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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel excluded by friends whispering and talking in code?

40 replies

WalkinginNemphis2 · 19/04/2026 22:14

How would you have handled this?

I'm in a group of 6 friends, we used to be very close but there has been some distance I thought through busyness etc.

Kids all go to same school but different classes and years and clubs so some of us some some more than others if that makes sense.

It has been continually alluded to by Pam we'll call her that she is having a tough time with something, perhaps work replated but I don't know. It seems to be a bit of a secret but is like I said constantly eluded to in the group chat - everyone seems to know but me.

Fine.

However today a meet up was planned with the kids and again in real life this was constantly eluded to and talked about in code and side eyes to me to the point where I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave early - which they clearly wanted me to do. I don't think it has anything to do with anything I've done I think it's Pam's job and maybe something to do with her marriage (I know here husband clearly but my DH and him are not friends).

Now we can tell who we want but it just felt like really shitty behavior and my DCs were having a nice time, I had to promise them McDonalds to get them away.

It had already been an nearly two hrs of whispering and 3 of them wondering off away from me leaving me stood like a lemon.

OP posts:
bunnyvsmonkey · 19/04/2026 22:16

I couldn't be doing with this. I would decline the next few invites and just drift away. Find some normal people.

CousinBette · 19/04/2026 22:18

Ask them outright, ask them what they’re alluding to and say ‘why do you keep talking about this in front of me when you know I don’t know anything about it?’

It’s just rude and hurtful to you.

Housedramallama · 19/04/2026 22:20

Are they 10? Fuck that.

TheDelcosArabiaNSoul · 19/04/2026 22:21

That's akin to sneaky teen mean girls behaviour .
Not a good trait to have when you're an adult

TheChosenTwo · 19/04/2026 22:21

Are your friends actually 10 year old girls?
id have no problem separating myself from this group and putting some distance between us. Whatever’s going on they don’t want to let you in on and you’re not considered the inner circle which to an extent is fine, not everyone has to know everything but if you’re the only one excluded then that’s quite nasty. And at my grand old age of 41 I don’t have any tolerance for nastiness. Privacy and respecting boundaries, totally. But deliberate exclusion of one person from a group, whispering and side glances etc, no thanks, it’s not for me.
I’m not suggesting never speaking to them again by the way, I don’t know your life and set up, but not accepting all invites and not instigating things is how I’d be for now.

Arlanymor · 19/04/2026 22:23

I wouldn't address it at the time but I would ask the mean girls later on in the group chat if something was going on. Sounds totally idiotic.

Dazedandconfused28 · 19/04/2026 22:25

Eurgh I can't stand this kind of behaviour- if there's something to be kept confidential, don't refer to it at all.

What they are doing is a weird power play & a means to them feeling superior by retaining the knowledge/ secret. It's pathetic.

CoastalCalm · 19/04/2026 22:26

I’d have told them they were being really fucking rude and walked out

PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 22:31

CousinBette · 19/04/2026 22:18

Ask them outright, ask them what they’re alluding to and say ‘why do you keep talking about this in front of me when you know I don’t know anything about it?’

It’s just rude and hurtful to you.

Couldn’t be arsed giving them more fuel for their drama and to whisper about…
you know as soon as you left they’d be whispering “ooo did you hear what @WalkinginNemphis2 said/reacted!!!”
it is one instance where I would half “ghost” if that’s the right term? Just drop the rope and no longer engage. If they are doing the annoying 10 yo girl thing they’ll be desperate for you to ask, so they can say that they can’t tell..

YeahNoCoolCrap · 19/04/2026 22:34

Ugh, that's really annoying. I'd be tempted to say "If you want to have a private conversation, have the courtesy to have it in private."

PollyBell · 19/04/2026 22:35

I would move o to other people why on earth do you want to be friends with people you think they are doing this

Whether they are doing it or you just think they are, it still makes no sense unless you are all still very young teenagers

wp65 · 19/04/2026 22:36

bunnyvsmonkey · 19/04/2026 22:16

I couldn't be doing with this. I would decline the next few invites and just drift away. Find some normal people.

Nailed it.

Thefingerofblame · 19/04/2026 22:38

wp65 · 19/04/2026 22:36

Nailed it.

Show quote history

Agreed!

Namenamchange · 19/04/2026 22:40

Had a very similar thing happen to me, honestly, they aren’t real friends, don’t waste any
more time thinking about them.
It’s all a power trip, and jostling for queen bee position. Keep them as fair weather friends, on your terms when it suits you, they have shown you who they are. They have shown you that you aren’t in the ‘real’ group, so don’t waste your emotions on them.

Keep it light and breezy, as your children are likely to mix in the same circle
for a while.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/04/2026 22:40

Why don't you sit closer to them so that you can be included in the conversation?

ArachneArachne · 19/04/2026 22:42

Jesus, just ignore them and find less juvenile friends? Or say ‘What’s up, Pam? Is it your haemorrhoids at you again?’ very loudly? I mean, it’s not like you care that much whether Pam’s line manager looked funny at her or her husband sent a heart emoji to Sue from Accounts, anyway, I assume?

Happyjoe · 19/04/2026 22:42

Sorry, the grown ups are behaving worse than the children ever would in the playground. Even if there was something they didn't want you to know then they just shut up about it, stop whispering and carry on as normal in a friendship group. To treat you like this, well, I think it's time to make better friends that are, well, adult!

Dazzlemered · 19/04/2026 22:44

I’d send a message in the group chat telling them how uncomfortable you felt. I’d leave the group chat and then not bother with them again.

PinkyFlamingo · 19/04/2026 22:45

Ask them!

TheSocialHermit · 19/04/2026 22:45

WalkinginNemphis2 · 19/04/2026 22:14

How would you have handled this?

I'm in a group of 6 friends, we used to be very close but there has been some distance I thought through busyness etc.

Kids all go to same school but different classes and years and clubs so some of us some some more than others if that makes sense.

It has been continually alluded to by Pam we'll call her that she is having a tough time with something, perhaps work replated but I don't know. It seems to be a bit of a secret but is like I said constantly eluded to in the group chat - everyone seems to know but me.

Fine.

However today a meet up was planned with the kids and again in real life this was constantly eluded to and talked about in code and side eyes to me to the point where I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave early - which they clearly wanted me to do. I don't think it has anything to do with anything I've done I think it's Pam's job and maybe something to do with her marriage (I know here husband clearly but my DH and him are not friends).

Now we can tell who we want but it just felt like really shitty behavior and my DCs were having a nice time, I had to promise them McDonalds to get them away.

It had already been an nearly two hrs of whispering and 3 of them wondering off away from me leaving me stood like a lemon.

You should’ve told them you’re embarrassed by the lengths they’re going to just to avoid talking about it -especially when you don’t even care 🤣 Then I’d leave the group chat and not bother with them again lol

Franjipanl8r · 19/04/2026 22:45

I’d message on the WhatsApp group “I picked up some weird energy today in the park, is everything ok?”

If you don’t get a satisfactory response, block them all and find other grown up friends.

maudelovesharold · 19/04/2026 22:47

Under the layers built up over 30/40/50+ years of adulthood, there lurks in all of us the 10 yr old we once were. For some, their 10 year old self has remained much closer to the surface than for others! Rise above it.

Namechangerage · 19/04/2026 22:52

I’d reach out to the most normal person / closest person to you, who was there. Ask them for a 1-1 coffee. Say you don’t want to make them feel awkward but are you no longer welcome in the group? You’ve been getting weird energy and wondered why it might be. Ask if she could perhaps be there to chat to if you need next time?

Be prepared that she may not get it, or worse may feed it back to them. But at least you tried.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 19/04/2026 22:52

Would people really message in the group chat? And then they either deny it or ignore you. This is something to either address at the time (not possible now and maybe too awkward at the time anyway) or just drift away from the group. Drop the rope as someone upthread said. Honestly, it's better to have fewer friends then to have 'friends' who act like this.

Namechangerage · 19/04/2026 22:54

PollyBell · 19/04/2026 22:35

I would move o to other people why on earth do you want to be friends with people you think they are doing this

Whether they are doing it or you just think they are, it still makes no sense unless you are all still very young teenagers

Well I presume because her kid gets on with their kids and she wants to maintain that for them. It’s a shame the grown ups tend to forget that part and act like they are at school again!