To be upset for failing at motherhood

[Hivemindz4]

DC are 4 and 8. I totally failed their baby years. After DC1 was born I developed what I imagine to be post natal anxiety though I was never diagnosed or treated.

I spent months in a state of total overwhelm and fear. When I see new mums I get so triggered as it reminds me of how much I wasted this time. DCs are older now and even though I am finally the mother I always wanted to be, I will never get this time back. I would give anything to go back, knowing everything will be OK, so I could soak it all up.

My sister is pregnant and seeing them so excited (and so they should be!) Is reminding me daily of my failings.

It sounds silly but I have also been watching Calling the midwife, and no matter the circumstances there is always so much magic around the birth of a baby. I never got that, I was shell shocked from the first minute. It is the most amazing thing you can do in life, becoming a mother, and I let it pass me by and I can never have it again.

Can anyone relate, or have words of wisdom? How can I go past these feelings and just enjoy what I have now?

I have 3 dc who are 14, 11 and 8 now and I think I know what you mean. I didn't really enjoy the baby years, I found it hard and stressful and I was tired and emotional most of the time.

But mine are older now and I have such a great relationship with them, I love them all so much and genuinely enjoy their company. I think I'm doing a good job of navigating motherhood now.

I do sometimes find myself wishing I'd been "better" at being a mum when they were tiny. But they are children for a hell of a lot longer than they are babies so on the balance of everything I can live with being a poor mother to babies and a good mother to children.

Hopefully that makes some sense.

Oh I can relate to this so much. My dc are teenagers and I remember writing a thread very similar to this years ago. No advice just a virtual hug.

Thank you so much, yes that makes sense, I do try to remind myself that in the grand duration of their lives, those days will be a drop in the ocean.

I do sometimes get worried it will negatively affect them though, my eldest especially as I was more of a mess then. He must have absorbed so much nervous energy in his early days 😥but we do have an amazing bond now.

Thank you so much for your message, it is comforting to know I am not the only one, though I am sorry you have to feel that way too!

It is NOT your fault x

OP you didn't fail - you got through every day and they were fed, warm, cared for, safe. Even with all the anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, you did that.

I had terrible post natal anxiety after my 2nd baby and it took me well over a year to feel like myself again. I had panic attacks and would shake, feel very dizzy and often physically sick. Yet still I looked after a 3 year old and a baby every single day. I look back and instead of thinking I failed, I'm amazed that I actually got through it. That's not failure, that's being a mother, even when it's bloody hard.

You are a great mum and you have a lovely relationship with your kids - that's not failure. You can't go back and redo those years but what you can do is not let those memories ruin your enjoyment of your children now. They don't remember that time but they will remember how you are now. Resolve to make those memories great and enjoy being with them.

Honestly, the baby years really aren't great for everyone - I think more mothers struggle with it than don't. It's scary being totally responsible for a tiny human, it's exhausting and it's relentless. You're learning on the job while recovering from the birth and trying to feed and not getting enough sleep! And all the while, everyone expects you to be the happiest you've ever been 😏 it's no wonder we struggle!

If the memories of that time make you feel really sad, maybe some counselling would help? Just being able to talk it through with someone objective could help you put it behind you.

Oh you absolutely haven't failed them in the least! My circumstances are a little different but when my second son was born we had some really difficult things going on and I have no clear memories of his baby days at all. It's a blur.

But I have to reassure you, he's a young adult now and we have a wonderful relationship! He has no memories of his baby days either, like all kids! Just like yours.

I know what it feels like to think you have wasted those years but honestly, it's what happens now that matters. You're clearly a great mum or you wouldn't be questioning yourself. You will be their mum for the rest of their lives, you will get some things wrong. You will get lots of things right.

Are they loved unconditionally? Cared for? Cherished? They will feel this. Everything will be ok.

The baby days are hugely overrated in my opinion. The teen/young adult years have been my favourite. Watching who they become!

Trust me, the best is yet to be.

I had postpartum depression and anxiety and was briefly hospitalized in 2018. After I left the hospital, I was in an intensive outpatient program, and one of the things the therapists and nurses always stressed was that it’s okay to not like every stage of parenthood. Some people love taking care of tiny babies and older kids, but find the toddler years frustrating and difficult. Some people find it stressful to be the parent of a child who’s going through puberty and having all those hormonal mood swings, but find parenthood enjoyable again once the child is an older teenager. Personally, I didn’t start consistently enjoying time with my kids until they were about nine months old.

You didn’t “fail” anything because you had an untreated mental illness. I’d recommend reframing it in your mind - “I wish I had been able to enjoy my children’s baby years more, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. I’m glad those difficulties are in the past and that I enjoy motherhood so much more now.”

Honestly, when life is tough, it's not about what you want to be, it just is. I had 3 under 3½ and I know now that they all had SN but didn't know that at the time. I barely remember some parts of the earlier years! I look at photos that come up on the Echo and think 'Oh! I did do painting with them/take them to the park/have fun with them!' It's all a blur because I was literally trying to keep them all safe because DD1 was an escape artist.

Forgive yourself for being human 💐

Thank you, every single one of these messages has healed my soul a little!

I definitely relate to things being a complete blur and looking through pictures is helpful. I can see us out and about, doing fun things, maybe it wasn't as total a disaster as I remember it! I will try to focus on those moments.

@YankSplaining thank you, this will be my new mantra! I definitely did my best in the circumstances. We had no family help, and I felt my mum's absence (she had passed away) more than ever in those early days. Just surviving and not going totally loopy from insomnia seemed like a win in those early days.

I am so grateful for my lovely children, and have their lifetime to make up for those days.

I am so glad everything turned out well for you all who had a similar experience 💝