My best friend Pat and I have worked at the same company for almost twenty years. Peter has also worked there a long time, but I’ve only gotten to know him the last couple of years when he moved to my immediate team and is my line manager. Peter went through a divorce last year from Molly, who also works for the same employer, but at another branch. We all have teenage children and live in the same small town. Pat is a single mum. Peter always seemed like a decent guy, and I enjoy working with him and have considered him a friend. He is not Pat’s line manager.
A few months ago I was looking for a work- related item on Pat’s desk while she was in a meeting and I saw a notification flash on one of her devices’ screens. It was a message from Peter saying he loved her and missed her and couldn’t wait to get together again. I did a double take, and Peter saw that I saw as we work in an open plan space.
He took me aside and said that he and Pat had been seeing each other, he is sorry I had to find out like that, but they weren’t ready to share. He said Pat had been feeling guilty at lying to me by omission. I told him I got it that a relationship with a colleague especially after divorce was tricky, and I could see why they kept it quiet, and not to worry and I’d keep it to myself.
Everyone then carried on as normal. I noticed that Pat was overcompensating a little eg making a note of telling me that she felt lonely when her kids went to their dad, when I’m fairly certain she and Peter were spending time together. Then last month I went on a business trip with Peter, and we were chatting about a mutual acquaintance who left his wife after an affair with a colleague. I mentioned that he and Molly were unusual in that their divorce did not involve other people and he started crying and came clean and said that actually he and Pat had started seeing each other while he was still with Molly. He said he knew straight away it was wrong, and that’s why he initiated the divorce. He said he regretted the overlap hugely, and that Molly never knew. He said he planned on coming clean to Molly at some point and I said he should think before doing that as he shouldn’t do it just to ease his own guilt.
I was pretty shocked and can’t remember exactly how the conversation ended. The reason I’m posting today is because I haven’t been back to work since then because of AL. I’ve thought back on conversations and messages over the last couple of years and I’ve realised they’ve both used me to spy on the other e.g. when I went on business trips with Peter (about 3-4 times a year), Pat always texted more frequently, wanting to know if we went out in the evenings after work, and if we stayed late etc. Peter also would ask at times if I heard from Pat when she was away, or if I had plans with Pat on the days when her kids were with their dad.
To be blunt, I’m pretty hurt that Pat, the person I considered my closest friend, seems to be using me as a pawn in whatever games she is playing. I get it that this isn’t about me, but thinking back on all the conversations we’ve had over the last couple of years about how she is lonely, and would love to meet someone… it stings to know that this whole time she’s been shagging the guy who sits across from us in meetings. And I have no idea how I have suddenly found myself as Peter’s involuntary secret keeper, but I don’t have the headspace to be agony aunt to a middle aged man who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Between my 3 kids (one with SEN), my own spouse (who has health issues), my elderly parent that I help look after, my job, and my own health issues, I barely have time to breathe.
So do I just go back to work as normal pretending nothing happened? Do I tell Pat I know? Do I not tell her I know but distance myself from her? That would be hard as our kids are friends and meet regularly. Do I tell Peter I don’t want to hear more about his personal drama? Please give me some outside perspective.
(NC, long time poster )