False allegations and gossiping

[yellowduckieswalking]

long time poster, have NC for this as outing

Posting in AIBU for traffic:

I have worked at a small private school (outside of the UK) for 7 years. This year, I decided to change positions and in November I asked my head and deputy head if they would be happy to be contacted for a reference. In February, I accepted a new position and I told them immediately. I also negotiated to start this new position in the autumn as I do not want to leave my students mid year.

Since then, our head has been very cold with me, to the point that I had to request a meeting with her and address the situation. I have always felt fully trusted but recently she has been picking at everything I do. She admitted that she was cross with me and apologized for her behaviour.

There was another position in the new school and so my colleague decided to apply in late February. He was offered the job and told our bosses three weeks after me. They took the news well but it came to light that they had decided they would not be paying us over the summer holidays. I sought legal advice, and they were told by their lawyer that they would have to pay us in full. They shared this with us on the last day of school, before the Easter holidays. I gave them both a hug and thanked them (I hate bad feelings!).

I also heard along the grapevine that whilst these discussions were ongoing, the head was telling people that the school may have to close as we were suing the school (we weren't!). I spoke to the deputy head about this, who told me that gossiping was human nature, and actually I should watch my own conduct as sometimes she hears stories about me.

That evening I received a phone call from a colleague saying that the head teacher had told him she was sure me and my colleague who is leaving with me, were having an affair, and we were having sexual relations on the school grounds. Initially I laughed, as it is so ridiculous. (For staters, my colleague is gay and I am old enough to be his mum...)

To prevent a drip feed, I am separated (which they know about) but am very happy in a new(ish) relationship (which they didn't know about). I am quite private about my personal life and don't bring it into work.

This was followed up by an email after Easter weekend, where my colleague requested that the head clarifies any concerns with the people involved before discussing the situation with others. This email also said that she had said that 'Duckie has been looking for it.' (I need further clarification as to what this means, as the full meaning could be lost in translation, but as I understand it, she believed that I have been looking for sex!).

My boss called me the day after this email was sent, and I asked her to tell me honestly who she had talked to. She has (by her own admission) told four different members of staff including the cleaner and a member of my team. The deputy head also told the person in charge of the afterschool clubs and the head of the parents committee. I told her that I did not wish to speak about such a serious and sensitive allegation over the phone, and that any discussion should take place in a formal meeting, with the full direction and administrative team present, as well as my colleague. As it is a small school, we have no HR.

A couple of hours later, she sent me two WhatsApp's apologizing , and saying that she recognizes her mistake.
I did not reply to these but I did send an email the next day to both the head and the deputy head, requesting a meeting. I also spoke to the cleaner and afterschool clubs person, to clarify and they confirmed. (They also both said that they defended us and told them that it wasn't true!)

They have both broken the law here, under duty of care. There is no question about that.

We are due to return to school tomorrow and we have a meeting for the end of the day. However, I am full of emotions. Stress. Anger. Fear. Humiliation.
I cannot believe how badly things have gone since I handed in my notice. I want it all to stop. I have no interest in suing them.
But I cannot get over the fact that they have
intentionally spread these false allegations among our colleagues and members of the school community and repeatedly brought our professional conduct and reputation into question.

I am terrified that I will fall to pieces during the meeting. I want to prepare myself by having notes. I feel like I should run the meeting, not them, but I am not sure if this is an emotional reaction.
I want a letter of apology for my colleague and I, stating that they started these rumours and it is untrue. I need to protect our professional reputations.
I want a statement putting out to all members of staff, apologizing for worrying people about their jobs (by saying the school would close) and tightening contracts so no one has to fight for their holiday pay. I also want them to be protected, I never want this to happen to another member of staff in the school again. I want to understand why they did this, what were they hoping to achieve, what did they want the other people to know when they were talking about their suspicions to them?
Mumsnet!
Please help me prepare! What questions should I ask them? What points should I absolutely make?

If I were you I would invest in some legal advice. This is libel, with the potential to affect your professional and personal reputation. Are you in a union?

There isn’t a union here but I do have access to a lawyer…

By access do you mean to the extent that they could accompany you to the meeting? Because ideally that would be good. It would assist you if you feel emotional and also make it clear you mean business

make sure you keep all documents where they admit.

write down all your demands so you don’t get lost and have copies for them.

follow up with a detailed email

I would take a lawyer to the meeting with me. This situation could potentially harm your personal and professional reputation, and perhaps even your new employer could withdraw the offer if they hear of this. Don’t mess around anymore - get legal advice and don’t attend the meeting alone.

I think it’s too late to get a lawyer there by tomorrow. I didn’t think about it before. But, if I get everyone to agree to the meeting being recorded, that would help, surely?

good idea about demands being written down and a copy given to them too. Thank you.

Wtaf! I’m SLT in a school and I’m shocked to read this, is this a private school?! Where’s your union rep??

You’re doing too much. You’ve got a new position secured, you’ve got a new job to go to (it’s not like you need to find one to get out) and private schools have about what 8 weeks left before the big summer holidays. Well that’s in the UK, I think you said yours isn’t. Generally outside of the uk private schools have even longer.

I know it’s hurtful, I know it’s seems one lie after another. But (some) schools are like this. I’ve had a long career in both state and private schools and honestly my private school career was full of staff just gossiping and sniping at each other. Full of trying to get one over on each other and throw each under the bus at every opportunity. It’s because they’re small and generally the expectation is higher. I don’t know whether is the stress or the want of success .I found my state school experience, albeit still gossipy (that’s mostly women working together I think) it wasn’t a full out bitch fest. I also think state schools are much bigger, you interact on a less personal level with vastly more people.

private schools in my experience have very little HR, or independent HR. It’s hard to find “somewhere to go” in a private school because everything is so linked.

If you still want to go ahead with the practical solutions of meetings etc I’d get your union involved. But as for apologies (which I don’t think you’ll get), statements etc, I think it’s too much personally. Whenever I’ve left a school, I’ve always sent a whole school email to staff. I’ve thanked them for being my colleagues, jokingly thanked them for their help with the paper jam in the photocopier, wished them well in the new year etc. I wouldn’t do it myself but I suppose you could send out what you want/a statement at the end of the academic year. Again I wouldn’t do it, I’d just want to end it professionally with my head held high, taking the high road. I guess if you’re never going to see them again, it doesn’t matter. I’ve never personally burnt any bridge where I’ve worked because you never know when you might need the reference…and also I’m amazed how many colleagues I’ve crossed paths with in other schools over the years. Teachers tend to work locally or for trusts etc, it’s amazing how someone can just pop up. But again you’re not on the uk, so it might be different.

I guess if you’re set on doing it, nobody can talk you out of it. Just an outsider, it feels you’re hanging onto stories and rumours that really you’re going to leave behind very soon . It is worth hanging onto those from people you don’t really care about or will never see again? I worked for one headteacher who was an absolute dragon. No matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried, she just didn’t like me. She tried to recruit other colleagues and yes she had some success. I left after about 7 years. I can’t imagine what she said about me to them ( actually I can) and what’s she’s still saying now to most of my colleagues still there. I don’t really care, I got out, they didn’t. In fact after that I had male head teachers who were far more productive and professional.

if youre going ahead, make sure you keep it factual. You’ll need dates, times, emails, quotes. If you have a diary of events that you’ve been keeping, even better. As for securing tighter contracts, that’s on the school not you. You’ll be amazed how many people are happy with their pay, their contracts etc. if they aren’t, that’s up to them to fight for them.

wishing you luck OP

Yes, it’s a private school and there is no union. (Am not in the UK but am in Europe)

Thank you. I do want to remain professional and I would never send out an email like that. I muc prefer to leave quietly. The area in which I live is very small, and everyone knows everyone. I did think that the statement put out to staff wouldn't have to name me, just to reassure staff that their jobs are safe, the school isnt going to close and that their contracts are being looked at to protect everyone’s interests (they are very vague). Of course, it wouldnt be easy for them, given that it is the head and founder of the school who has said it in the first place…

but I hear your point. Thank you. I know that when I leave, they will just continue doing what they do… I am upset though, and need to digest this emotion before tomorrow.

And you’ve hit the nail on the head, you’ve got so much emotion. You do need to rein that in.

you don’t need to be the spokesperson for your school. You don’t need to make sure that colleagues are aware that the school isn’t closing, jobs are safe. You need to focus on yourself and you need to get out and you’re on course to do that.

personally I don’t think you need any of this stress. Any of these meetings. Any of these statements or apologies. You know your own worth, you know what’s the truth and what isn’t. Go with your head held high and show your professionalism.

the fact that you say your community is small is more reason to go with your esteem high. I don’t think meetings and statements will go well for you…you’ll be even more stressed and emotional…just trying to flog a point about school closures and colleague contracts ….for a school you’re leaving behind anyway….and SLT will say what they want about after those meetings and long after youre gone anyway. Really you want the opposite don’t you if you’re in a small community? You want it to all die down, you want rumours about you to go away really, you want that to be old news? Hammering home points that will just aggravate further won’t do that.

Stop caring about the school, they didn’t care about you. As harsh as that is. Move on, you need to be doing any of this.

Im not immune to the personal aspects of what they’ve said about you. But remember lots of people can/have/will make up stuff about you in every walk and area of your life. You’re friends might say how awful you are with money…you buy too much or the opposite that you never put your hand in your pocket. Your neighbours might tell each other that your decorator who comes to your house is your lover. Your local shopkeeper might say you’re a sister wife. I dunno, I’m making all of this up. But that’s the point. Not only is it made up….its things you don’t know about, so they’re not hurting you…but lots will be said about all of us that we don’t know. I know the argument is that you DO know…but honestly, it’s not true, it’s just not worth it. Imagine the stress and energy it would take to go round correcting everyone about everything they ever said about us. Let them say it, let them wrong about you. You’re leaving it all behind.

A statement about other jobs being secure is not your concern.
Asking for their contracts to be tightened is not your concern.

I would focus on stopping the gossip, threatened them personally with legal action for slander (if that's a thing where you are) and focus on finishing term and moving on. If you can speak to a lawyer before tomorrow then get their advice rather than randoms on MN.

What a palaver

Thank you @Rainbowdottieand @BlueMum16

I needed to hear this!

See a solicitor. They are creating an intolerable, toxic environment to work in and it sounds like it is coming from the head. She sounds absolutely pathetic.

How did it go today?

It went really well! I followed advice here and was not at all emotional, but very factual. I had prepared a whole dossier and prepared questions to ask them, so I led the meeting. The head came in and said straight away that the situation was her doing and her responsibility alone, so that helped. I could see that she felt really bad and was upset. I also didn’t offer her any platitudes.

I didn’t touch on other people’s jobs etc but I did highlight the lack of HR, the 5 laws that they have broken, we discussed the gossiping culture that they allow and have agreed to a letter stating that the claims are untrue and unfounded and that they are responsible. I asked them a lot of questions and listened to their answers (but they didn’t have much to say as they couldn’t think of reasonable responses). My colleague also made the point to them that everyone we have spoken to has advised us to sue but neither of us want to go down this route, despite having a strong case, because we want to end the year amicably.

I did tell them that I was so shocked about how quickly things had unraveled since I handed in my resignation 2 months ago and I had no idea how we got to this situation, but I hoped that the next two months can be drama free. They agreed and apologized.

So, I am happy with the outcome. Actually, we both are. He recorded the meeting and listened back to it this evening, and said he was really pleased with how we both spoke and guided them clearly towards a peaceful resolution, as they were a bit like deer in the headlights. My colleague also officially gave them his resignation letter, which they have accepted.

I can walk away with my head held high, and hopefully we can all finish the year on good terms. (Knowing that we have made the correct decision!)

Under local law, we have three months from the date of finding out to file a legal case, so we will keep everything as a back up, just incase. But hopefully, it will not come to that!