To hate my young child right now

[zingywingy]

I know people will say this is just a phase but I’m finding it really hard to see the funny side right now.

My youngest boy (3) has become incredibly difficult over the last few months. Nothing feels straightforward anymore.

Food is a nightmare. Refuses proper meals, acts like I’m trying to poison him if there’s anything vaguely healthy involved, but then the minute we’re out he’s trying to put whatever he can get his hands on into his mouth. I’m constantly on edge watching him.

Bath time is another battle entirely. Absolute meltdown every single time, thrashing about, howling like I’m doing something terrible to him. Yet give him five minutes outside and he’ll happily get himself filthy without a second thought.

Sleep is exhausting. Won’t settle at night, just keeps getting up and wandering around, and then is wide awake at 5am ready to start the day. I feel like I haven’t had a proper stretch of sleep in months.

He also just ignores me half the time. I’ll say no, and he’ll look straight at me and carry on anyway like I haven’t spoken. It’s that deliberate defiance that’s really getting to me.

OH says I’m overthinking it and that it’s normal, but I don’t remember it being like this before.

AIBU to think this is more than just a phase?

He’s learning he doesn’t have to do whatever you say and he’s practicing his autonomy. It is a phase that will last until he leaves home! He is probably testing his boundaries with you

seriously though have a chat with your health visitor if you can and come up with strategies both you and your husband can use. Also consider if anything has changed - routines, people etc that may be causing him to act up

We go for walks of a morning during/after school run to try and get his energy out which helps but doesn’t last long. He’s very high energy.

They’re so annoying aren’t they? And just when you’ve got the measure of one phase, they swap it for a new phase 😂

Hatred Isn’t proportionate to what he’s doing. I’m not preaching, I well know the suppressed white hot fury that can come with defiant kids. I also know it affects me much more when I’m more depleted. But…what support or breaks do you have for you? Because hatred is a really exhausting feeling, as well as one that is made worse by tiredness, guilt, frustration etc.

Agree with pp that hatred is very strong for what's going on. Which, I agree, says something about where you're at.

You say OH thinks it's normal, but how much is he actually doing? Does he do baths, dinner, bedtime, wake ups? Sounds like you need more support and to share the load o mtbe tough stuff.

All of these things are within normal range for the age. Make sure there's always something safe on the plate. Offer toast if he's hungry cos he won't eat the food. Pick your fights. I don't make them clear their plate and they're still allowed pudding as long as they've had a decent go at the food.

I do still cuddle mine to sleep, which I know, I know, but we're all happier when they sleep so....

I remember bath hatred. How often are you bathing him? Of course he happily gets dirty, he doesn't grasp cause and effect. Can you get away with a shower / baby wipe wipe down / really shallow bath?

It might be a phase or it might be more, There are a few things you’re highlighting that remind me of my son who has ASD but is high achieving and husband thought was just stubbornness.
The food - that’s still an issue with mine and he’s much older now, the meltdown over something that seems silly to us like the bath - ours went through this but some bath toys eventually coaxed him out of it. The trouble sleeping - is also common with ASD. Now none of that means your son has anything else going on, it could all just be a phase as you say. 3 year olds are rarely logical, and have big feelings over ridiculous things. What I do think though either way is you need some strategies to help you to help him cope. When I felt my son was at his worst I needed to remind myself that he wasn’t having a good time either, and he needed me to help him. So I’d stop fighting with him over bath time - would he cope with a shower or quick wash down instead? If not, can you have less frequent bath times? The lack of sleep must be horrendous, and I’d speak to a gp about all of your concerns. I know you’ve probably tried a lot of this stuff already, but you never know. Good luck OP, I hope things improve soon.

This will pass. It will.
3 is a terrible age for a lot of children (I had four and am now Granny care for a nearly 5 yr old and also the strongest willed 15m old ... !)
They are figuring our their own autonomy, how far they can push things. They need you but don't want to need you... it's utterly exhausting.
Get out every day; park after nursery, soft play, toddler groups... whatever you can find. It helps take the edge off !
They get a little more reasonable at 4, and soon after that it's school (which has its own set of battles😅)
But hang in there, it WILL pass! My DS1 was a monster at 3 and I barely survived him... but he was quite sweet after that (until his teens.... shudder....)

It's not deliberate defiance in a calculated, personal "f-you" kind of way. It's a developmental phase and normal.
I've had a similarly rough year with mine.
I hear you re bath time. It suddenly was like bathing a cat, ffs. Screaming and water everywhere. Suddenly it's much better, but I handled it poorly as I began dreading it and it gave me a lot of anxiety. Now that it has passed for the most part, I can see it's not better due to anything I did or didn't do. It just is. Try to make things easier on yourself. 💐

Hate is a strong word. If you really feel this way OP then get some help yourself, because this is very normal toddler behaviour and honestly not that bad. You need more paitience and you need to let go of the idea you can control this whole other person's actions.

Mine was similar, the food refusal literally started overnight.

Bathtime we had issues for a short period of time, no idea what caused it but we changed the bath mat from a clear to a colourful one and he was happy again (?!)

In terms of the "defiance", tactic that really helped my husband was - don't tell him what he can't do, tell him what he can do. Redirect the unwanted behaviour to something acceptable - "we can't rip the books, but we can rip some old paper"

As for sleep, we just abandoned any ideas we may have had and we did (and still do!) whatever gets everyone a reasonable night's sleep. Even now at 7 he goes through periods of sleeping in his own bed by himself, and periods of co-sleeping. We are fortunate to have a spare room and space for every room to have at least a double bed, so we can play musical beds/share etc. As required.

You need to make sure you're getting reasonable breaks/time to yourself too.

Just here to say that I'm not so sure it's common for 3 year olds to still be putting things in their mouths? It sounds to me like he's got something sensory going on. It does sound really hard and I think your DH is wrong to just say it's normal and do nothing to help improve it?

Look up the division of responsibility for food.

I sat with my DC until they're asleep. Annoying but less annoying than them running around.

Mine got washed properly twice a week. Kids don't need daily baths IMO.

I always recommend ‘The book you wish your parents had read…’ by Philippa Perry for parents of ‘spirited’ toddlers. The best advice is to lean in and affirm their feelings, but do it anyway:

’Bath time is horrible isn’t it, you don’t like it, I can tell you feel really sad. Help me put some bubble bath in and give [toy] a bath first’.

You're describing a toddler who is really struggling with transitions between activities/states. It might be indicative of some additional needs, or it could just be spirited toddler territory. My eldest was like this (AuDHD) but is fairly chill now (young teenager).

Yes that’s the bit that stood out to me too. Is he putting non-food items in his mouth?

It can be sticks, random plants on the ground, other children’s toys, just about anything really. We have tried to reason with him repeatedly about how it will make him sick but he just runs away from us with them.

have you had this checked? It could be pica. Sorry op, but I think you need to go get a referral. This isn’t really typical of 3 year olds.

Sounds very similar to my DD when she was that age (she’s now 5), and has been referred for ASD and ADHD diagnosis, although it could also be just a phase for you. At age 3, she was difficult and high energy but not too dissimilar to NT 3 year olds, but it really started to stand out as she got older and other kids settled down and the phase passed, but for her it didn’t. She is high functioning and is doing ok in mainstream primary, but still has a lot of the same issues as when she was 3.

I would contact your HV, as I don’t think this is typical of three-year-olds. Both of mine have been well past the putting everything in mouth stage by then, and from the rest of your post there are some other bits that could be part of a bigger picture.

How is his speech and language and understanding of you generally? Is he meeting the milestones on the Ages and Stages questionnaires?

He sounds exactly like a young boy I used to support in school. He was autistic and had ADHD.

He is also the child I’ve missed the most from my entire career at school (25 years). He was quite volatile when I first met him, but soon settled- he just needed someone to help him find his groove.

It’s hard when it seems to suddenly happen though. I suggest you speak to your health visitor.

3 year olds are harder than 2 year olds because they’re still too young to be rational but getting too big to simply pick up and remove from the situation!
Keep consistent with him, this is normal and you will get through it. On the other hand pick your battles, if he eats plain pasta or toast for one meal it’s not the end of the world.
My youngest was terrible for sleep for a long time, wanting us to stay with her, wanting to sleep in our bed every night etc, but she is 11 now and would never want to sleep in bed with us!

Well have you tried disciplining him

There could be neurodivergence here @zingywingy. Have you spoken to a health professional recently?

Food - can be a sensory issue
Putting others things in his mouth like twigs - pica?
Bath time - sensory issue (noise echoey? Too hot? Clothing coming off? Transition?)
Sleep issues - some neurodivergent people have issues around sleep
Communication- understanding of language, processing

When I’ve felt like this it’s always been a sign of being ground down and overwhelmed and needing a proper break.

😂 love these types of comments 🙄

We have tried training but to no avail.

3 year olds are a handful, and can be quite horrible. It will pass.