AIBU to refuse staying with MIL's partner after his behaviour?

[Dodorogers]

Did a post about this when it happened but it is still ongoing, really stuck with what to do. MiL lives 250 miles away, lives with her partner of 6 years, we go down probably every three months, before Christmas we stayed there for five days with them, we have a just turned two year old. My partner doesn’t know his mother’s partner very well. I suspect he is an alcoholic, he has estranged children and an ‘awful’ ex wife which also makes me think he is not what he presents. When we got there he made my son cry by shouting at him. The day after was a family get together, when he is drinking which starts after lunch, he continually makes comments about my parenting and my son, like constantly, I go to tidy up and he says let him explore, I say something to my son he comments on it, he also tries to control everything, after hours of this I said something along the lines of I’ll let him decide what to do next, he then stormed off and very loudly started telling the rest of my partners family how awful I am, I went upstairs and changed my son and when I came back he said oh I suddenly need a drink and stormed off again, found it all really upsetting and unnecessary, neither my partner or MiL said anything to him. I have always made so much effort with partners family and am always the one who plans when we go down and drive that and on at my partner to contact them and I am the one that send photos etc, Fast forward to last week and my sons birthday I had asked my partner to say i don’t want him there for my sons but I want his mum so either she comes alone or they come another weekend. He didn’t say anything to her until the day before and it has obviously all blown up. He has said what do I need from the partner to move forward, I was in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic and he is exactly the same I don’t want anything to do with him but I have said they can come but stay in their camper or a hotel and I will be totally neutral with him but we won’t be staying with them again. I just want to take my son and run, my partner hasnt had my back once. The night this all happened initially I stayed in bed with my son and I could hear him laughing with the partner and it was just so shit.

I think given how raw this all is as it was left to the last minute by your partner, I think the most sensible thing is none of them come to the birthday this time. You’ll be on edge and won’t enjoy the day. (Or has it already happened?)

Your partner needs to realise it isn’t about what you need from mil bloke who you see once in a blue mood - it’s about how he shows up for you.

And - it’s his family - his duty to stay in touch. No photos or instigation of meet ups / driving down etc.

Your partner stood by and said nothing when his mother's drunk partner shouted at your child? And said nothing when he was rude to you? Sorry OP but you have a DH problem. I would tell him that you are not having that man around you or your child again. MIL is welcome to visit on her own. Then leave it to him to sort out. Don't make any arrangements, send photos or engage with his family at all. He needs to know you mean business. You and your child do not have to put up with an aggressive drunk just because his mother chooses to.

Sadly already happened - they didn’t come but it was all so horrible, thank you for your response I have been going mad thinking maybe I am being awful cos my family have all said it’s unfair of me to say to partner about it.

Thank you! This is exactly how I have been feeling about it I need to stick to my guns

am always the one who plans when we go down and drive that and on at my partner to contact them and I am the one that send photos etc

Just stop doing that. If DP wants to make contact or send photos then he can but you do not need to facilitate something that harms you or your child. I mean it OP, just stop.