How to cope with family member with PND/anxiety? Desperate for help

[Wonderbraj]

A family member (I don’t want to be specific as pretty sure she’s on here) has got a 1.5 year old boy and a four year old daughter.

Since the 1.5 year old came along her anxiety that she used to manage reasonably ok, has escalated.

She will not go near anyone for fear of her son getting unwell. This means that she does the school run for her daughter only when her partner is working an early shift and can’t do it.

It means we can’t ever go out for a meal as a wider family and she won’t go indoors near any member of the public. This includes approaching an ice cream van or standing in a queue.

It means when she visits or we visit her she insists on every window open, even when it’s cold or raining.

We recently met her and instead of joining us for a walk she left her older daughter with us and drove off!!! Circling the area with her son rather than joining us for a walk.

Her daughter is also finding it hard because she is constantly left with other people as she can’t seem to cope with having two of them. She has huge amounts of practical support from wider family and husband but nothing changes. How do you help someone like this? How does it stop? She won’t engage with therapy at all.

Anxiety is useful up until a certain point, and she has gone waaay past that point. Has anyone spoken to her about this properly? It needs to be made clear the impact that it is having on her DD. Leaving her with others all the time while she keeps her son with her is going to have such a negative impact. I would consider contacting either child's school/nursery or her HV to let them know your concerns. It sounds like shes really struggling mentally. Would she consider anti-anxiety medication?

@worldshottestmom we have all tried to raise it and she just gets angry and says she’s fine and then tries to rationalise it. Her daughter has regularly commented that ‘mummy isn’t here’ on lots of occasions as she’s always outside or in the car, she’ll rarely come in, even to relatives homes. It’s awful
to see. We just don’t know what to do anymore and it seems to be getting worse

I’d be tempted to report to her GP and social services. She urgently needs treatment and the children need to be prioritised - the authorities need to be informed.

I'm diagnosed with GAD and I agree with @worldshottestmom that once it gets to a certain point, the sufferer needs professional help - and your family member has reached that point. Her fear of her son becoming unwell is particularly illogical given that she also has a four-year-old who'll be exposed to all sorts of germs at school.

Someone close to her, preferably her DP, needs to speak to her. Her behavior is negatively impacting her children and she needs professional health. If she says that she can change with just her family's support, that's not enough, because untrained family members can't tackle serious mental health problems. I know this from my own experience. She needs to go to her doctor and ask for help.

It sounds to be really bad, she needs professional help. Ask her husband to talk to her about it, she needs a formal intervention. Her DCs safety is being compromised, and it looks like it's only going to get worse.

I agree @worldshottestmom He’s also the children’s parent and he needs to prioritize their wellbeing. If she really won’t listen, he can inform their doctor.

Getting angry is a form of defense because she doesn’t want to face what’s happening.

Has she had bloods done ? Anemia, low B12c vit D etc can all cause anxiety.

@Ritaskitchen she avoids the doctors because she doesn’t want to expose herself to anything that could be passed to her son

@BruFord @HeyThereDelila @worldshottestmom @Ritaskitchen do you really think it’s at the stage of doing that though?! Her DP is very very patient and has asked her to have therapy.

I don’t think the kids are affected in the sense they are fed and clean clothes and looked after and safe in that sense?

@Wonderbraj To me, it sounds as if it's escalating. Does she take her son out anywhere much, for example. or is she keeping him exclusively at home with her? Does she let her DP take the children out?

My point is really that that their father has PR as well and if he's concerned about what's happening, he needs to take action. She's unlikely to suddenly get better, IYSWIM, she's more likely to get worse.

Her kids 100% are going to be affected by this type of behaviour. They are watching and it will start to influence their behaviour, before you know it they’ll be as anxious as she is. Her DP really should be doing more I’m afraid.
ive suffered with anxiety for years so I know what it is like but thankfully never to this extreme.

She is in essence neglecting her daughter emotionally, and physically by leaving her with random adults to prioritise her son. She is not mentally well, and yes I do believe it is at that point. Early intervention always provides the greatest outcome, leaving it too late will cause unnecessary damage to be done to all parties involved. Her daughter is already commenting and noticing, its not going to get better. I empathise you SIL is struggling, but the children should always be put first. Nobody should be waiting for it to get so bad that irreversible emotional damage is done, she needs help now. Its not just about her its about her children. Even her sitting in the car refusing to go in people's houses will affect her kids.