AIBU to have not made a single friend in 20 years?

[FinalR3l3ase]

I told my boyfriend I kinda want to make more friends and he was like… really shocked?? Like he said he’s never met anyone who actually wants more friends as an adult which made me feel a bit weird tbh.
I tried to explain I am happy with the friends I’ve got, it’s just they all live all over the place (some even abroad), and I can’t just move because of my parents and my kids’ dad and everything.
But now I’m kind of overthinking it 🙃 like… is that weird?? Wanting more friends??
Out of curiosity (and maybe being a bit nosy lol), how many friends do you actually have?
Most of mine are from school, a couple from uni, but loads have moved away because it’s so expensive round here (just outside London 🙄). I would say I have about 5 or 6 friends.
And then I also realised… I haven’t actually made a proper new friend in like 20 years which is honestly a bit depressing. I had some mum friends when the kids were little but we all just drifted as they got older. And now I see my friends have all these other friends from work and stuff, and I just… don’t. I’ve always kind of kept myself to myself at work. Like I’ll go for drinks but I wouldn’t really call any of them actual friends.
I don’t think my boyfriend meant anything by it, but now I’m low-key spiralling about it a bit 😩

I haven't made a friend in over 20 years. Like you, I had friends but they all moved away. My husband and sister are the only friends I have now (that I see regularly). It worries me a lot as I think life is better with friends. I don't know why it got so hard.

Its not weird to want local friends. I'm in a similar situation to you - I've lived in this village for 18 years and last year someone adopted me as a friend which is nice. I think the first goal is more acquaintances rather than friends.

Is your do otherwise loving and supportive? Because it sounds a little bit as if he is trying to undermine you, and leave you more dependant on him.

Not sure which way you intended the voting, but of course you're not the least unreasonable to want to make new friends, regardless of how many you already have. Your boyfriend is being a bit weird. It's hardly wildly unusual to want and make new friends in adulthood! I've moved around a lot, most recently in 2020, so making new friends is a muscle that's had a lot of exercise, whereas it sounds as if yours hasn't? For me, it's as natural a next step to moving as unpacking, looking around to see where I'm likely to find people I like.

What do you like doing? What opportunities are there for doing it that involve other people in your area? Even though you haven't befriended colleagues to date, are there people you'd like to hang out with more outside of work?

I have five or six close friends and plenty of acquaintances. I don't actually feel like I need more friends than my core group but I do try to meet people every time I move to a new area. Occasionally they become friends, but often having more casual relationships with people works better.

It is more difficult to make friends in certain areas, especially in the last 10 years. I'm not sure of the reason why, but I notice people don't ask you to come by for a cup of tea anymore. Maybe it's the easiness of texting and people making online so called friends and women working more hours, driving so they don't meet people walking, shopping in large stores.

I've made lots of new friends since I retired mainly through a sewing group and a book club. Also, not 'friends' as such but I've met nice people through volunteering.

I have friends from many stages of life and always happy to meet new people.

Most of my close friends I made as a mid-teenager, with a couple I still see from school. That’s about 7. I’m not really in touch w uni friends apart from FB so we’ll disregard them.

I met some friends when DC were babies/young but many have fallen by the wayside now school days are over, but I still see about 3 or 4 fairly regularly.

Also made some friends through work so another 3 and also a couple more from most recent job - we meet up every couple of months.

Also met a couple through seeing them at a mutual friends house a few times. They are our ‘newest’ friends and were going out with them soon.

im always up for making new friends- even in my mid50s. My late mum made a very good friend at 58 so there’s no deadline.

The only thing I’ve never had is a real cohesive friend ‘group’ - not since my teens really - although I have ‘pockets’ of friends so will go out w 2 or 4 at a time.

I don’t have much family so friends are important to me.

It’s totally normal to make or want new friends as an adult. I’ve made lots of friends over the past 20 years – through work, kids, neighbours, retraining etc. It’s a necessity because people are always moving away, and friendships ebb and flow throughout life. Not all friendships last for ever, but they’re still important.

Is your boyfriend quite anti-social?

Close friends: 3 or 4 - these are people I could go to with serious issues or problems and they would help me, they know a lot of people in my life and we have good trust.
Friends: Probably about 10, these are people I'd go out 1 on 1 with, but wouldn't stay at their house, know people in their lives but no well
Acquaintances: 20 ish, I'd text them, see them in group setting, maybe do hobby stuff 1 on 1 together, but not close..

It is not weird to want to make and build friendships. Friendships are important.

Here are some ways you could do it:

• local book clubs - generally cheap to attend, will happen every month
• Bumble BFF - an app for making friends
• Hobby groups
• Networking events in your career field

Remember too that not all friendships will be in your life for ever. A situational friendship of a few months that helps you build your confidence/learn new things/ meet new people can be just as valuable as a life long one. Ignore your boyfriend.

I have 3 good friends, the sort I would ring for help and know I'd get it and I've known all 3 for 20+ years
Then I've got maybe 7 people I meet up with every few months for dinner and get on with well but I don't see regularly enough or don't have the history to put them in the first category. These are mainly people I've met at jobs over the years.
No one really knows each other though and only one friend lives close by, the others I travel an hour + to meet. I don't mind though as I know to keep friendships you need to put the effort in
I miss having group of friends that all know each other. The only time in my life I had that was at uni and it was a lovely safe feeling being part of a big friendship group, but all of those friendships but one drifted

I’m 44 and regularly make friends. People are both interesting and worth spending time with in general, you just need to let them feel comfortable. I make an effort with people as much as possible but find it hard to keep up with everyone all the time. I try to always accept invites. It’s all way better than doing housework, running the kids about and doomscrolling in spare minutes. I love people! They’re nearly all great in some way or many ways even!

I don't think it's weird at all and I can see how you can go a long time without making friends. I think you need a lot of luck and the right environment to make a friend and sometimes that won't be the case for a long period. It might be worth looking at the friends you do have really thinking about the environments that they emerged from.

When my children were little I had loads of friends but have drifted apart from most school mum friends, sadly fell out with one. I had other friends that lived miles away who I've lost contact with and in one case she's dropped me. I have two friends now that I don't see that often, once every few months. I would like to make more friends but it seems quite a task but would maybe happen if I joined more groups etc. I think your boyfriend has strange logic.

It's completely reasonable. Your dp is being insular to say the least.

Friendships come and go through stages of iife, school, uni, career, parenthood, more career, retirement. Interests change. It's healthy to end up with a mix of friends and makes for a happier life, a wider support network and a healthier old age.

I don't really have any friends at all.

Not sure why. I'm friendly and helpful and people seem happy to chat to me, just never goes any further.

My boyfriend is super social, but I guess his job kind of makes that easy? Like they’re all doing manual work together all day and then just go for drinks after, so it just… happens naturally.

Whereas I’ve never really had a job like that. Everyone just drives in and out, so there’s no random “let’s grab a drink after work” stuff. And it’s mostly mums with young kids anyway, so no one’s exactly up for spontaneous drinks 😅

I think me even mentioning Bumble BFF kinda weirded him out tbh. I got the vibe he thought it was a bit… desperate? Which made me feel a bit crap.

I’d actually love to do something like volunteering but I genuinely don’t have the time, so that’s kind of out too.

I just honestly can’t get my head around the fact I haven’t made a single proper new friend in like 20 years… like how has that even happened 😩

I mean my mum and sister are basically my friends, we talk all the time and hang out, but my sister doesn’t live nearby. I guess my dad counts too lol 😅

Sounds gaslighty sorry, like he doesnt want you to have friends

I feel your pain! It never gets to the next stage!
I will always go out for drinks when they are organised, but it just never goes anywhere 😭

He definitely does not want me using Bumble to make friends 😅 it really seemed to give him the ick tbh, which just made me feel even more awkward about it.
But at the same time he’s got his own whole setup going on… like he’s not even from the UK so he’s got that community, plus his job is super social, and he knows loads of people from all the house shares he’s lived in over the years. He’s moved around quite a bit so he’s just picked people up along the way I guess.
Whereas I’ve literally never done the house share thing like he has (or like some of my friends did), so I just… don’t have that kind of network at all.

Sorry no, im getting red flags! I would completely ignore him and go about it. Peanut is really good for making local friends xx

This stood out to me - that you’ll always join for drinks “when they are organised”. Why don’t you start suggesting and organising drinks or get togethers yourself?

Well, organise drinks yourself? Take some initiative if you genuinely like some of your workmates and think there’s potential for out of work friendships?

The other thing you should definitely do is start doing some activity you genuinely enjoy (t’ai chi, tapdancing, book group, a dram, bouldering, a choir, printmaking, language classes, life drawing, stand-up improv, whatever) — anything that’s going to put you in the same place as other people who enjoy the same thing.

I have never used Bumble or similar for making friends, but while it doesn't give me the "ick", I would be skeptical of it too. I just don't think meeting people with main purpose being "making friends" is going to work. Friendship is something that develops naturally over time due to shared interests and values. They are a side product of other activities, not the main purpose. That's why posters suggest doing things to enjoy just because you enjoy them and then chatting to people you meet there. Going there to make friends won't work.

Yeah that’s kind of why I’ve held off using an app for now, it just feels a bit forced and I’d worry I’d come across a bit desperate 😅
Do you know if Peanut is even for people with older kids or is it mainly for pregnant people / newborn stage?
I’ve tried a couple of times in the past to organise work drinks but no one was really that into it, and now with everyone driving and working from home a lot it’s not like you can just naturally end up in the pub after work anymore.
I did actually join a local am dram group which was really nice, but they only do one or two shows a year and there’s basically no social stuff in between sadly. Also everyone there is at least like 30 years older than me. I don’t mind that at all, but I think ideally I’d like friends who are maybe closer in age, like 10–15 years either way, just so we’ve got more in common day to day… like kids at school, mortgages, that kind of stuff.