AIBU to move home for support and question limited contact?

[PurpleDiamond34]

I don't really know where to start to be honest of put into words but I just need some advice and handhold maybe.

I've split up with my ex partner and sons dad since October last year, we've still been living together as I am not local to this area and literally had no where to go, financial means to leave. We have a son whos 3 and has severe autism and learning difficulties.

The relation has been a bit turbulent, due to indidelity on both sides, and just a different idea of what family life should be like, he thinks that I should stay home and look after the house and the baby, and be his maid, when things haven't gone his way he's been really horrible and controlling,but still we remain amicable, more for the fact that he thinks his behaviour is normal. There's lots of other things that have happened and it took me a long time to realise I was probably being abused in one way or another.

I've been offered a council house back in my home town, my friends and parents are there so I will have some kind of support. I don't work die toy sons condition and I have my own mental and physical health issues.

Two things-
Ex says, he will only have DS every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon, despite having his other son (not mine) every weekend, all weekend. He said DS is "too much hard work". That's only 4 days a month, which is nothing is it. Would I be unreasonable to say it's every weekend or not at all? It's hard enough for me now raising DS, never mind when it's just me. I don't want to be that mum whos bitter or makes problems.

Secondly, I'm terrified of living alone with DS. I have very and anxiety and OCD. It can be debilitating some days and that fact that I'll be totally alone is terrifying me. Ex partner can be a horrid person and despite everything, his physical presence is my safe little bubble. I know I have to do this but I'm filled with dread. Not to mention everything else. Sorting nursery/school, all DS appointments and assistance all need to be switched to a different local authority. I feel so overwhelmed.

Thanks if you've made it this far. I don't really know what I want. Words of encouragement or insight maybe.

He sounds very selfish. I think you could be cutting your nose off...might he say not at all then? I'd explain if he doesn't share custody he pays a greater maintenance payment. I bet that would make him reconsider.

You can’t dictate every weekend or not at all OP. Lots of dads do every other weekend and it tends to be the best way as then kids get some “free” time with both parents.

How far away are you moving?

If you insist on every weekend or not at all, you'd just be cutting of your nose to spite your face - then you'd get no respite at all. And if you refuse all contact, he could take you to court and you would not be viewed favourably for not allowing regular contact.

Take the council house near your family and friends and hopefully you'll have more support there. Look for a term-time or part time job while your child is at school - it will do you good and build your confidence to be out in the world and earning. Look for support groups of parents with children with disabilities, again it will benefit you to make connections with people who understand how hard it is caring for a child with additional needs.

Once you're registered with a GP there, seek help with your anxiety - your son needs you to be resilient and strong. Make a list of all the things you need to switch to get your son's support/education in place and work through it methodically - being organised will help you not become overwhelmed.

I know it's scary to think about living alone with your son and being in sole charge of everything. But every day that you do it, you will grow stronger and realise that you can and will cope, just as millions of other mothers do. You've survived everything that you've been through so far - and you will continue to. Tell yourself you can get through any crisis that comes your way, you will be ok. You will get there lovely 💐

Yes I know. But my issue is why can he have his other son every weekend but not ours? It doesn't seem fair, might I add, he always treats them differently too. Favours his eldest over youngest etc.

We have agreed that I will not go to the CSA as he already pays for his other children through them and he will be forced to make a greater payment than if he pays me a sum directly

Definitely don’t stop him from seeing his dad. It makes you appear spiteful rather than choosing what’s best for your child. His child support will be higher the less he actually cares for him. I’d let him keep the once a week.

I don't want to stop him, i guess I just find it upsetting that he won't see him every weekend when he sees his other son every weekend. I'm not trying to be spiteful, i guess I was just wanting him to treat the two the same

I have read this multiple times and it still reads like you are accepting less money. You should only go outside of cms if it gets you more money.

Yes it will be less money. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. Lay loads of money out of attachment earnings to CSA for his other children plus CCJs. Plus having to lay all bills by himself when km gone so I agreed I would take a direct payment instead of in living CSA so it would save him money, I agreed this on the premise he would have DS every weekend and in the week if needed and his work commitments allowed. I'll be moving 50 miles away and he don't drive so I would also be doing all the twoing and throwing. I have tried to get reasonable and he moving the goal posts with the every other weekend thing now.

You’ve both been unfaithful, the relationship is over, so I would just work out what will work best for your child. 🤷‍♀️

Just take contact every other weekend, abusive men use contact with children carry on the abuse dynamic. He treats his kids differently its sad but you wont change this.

Have you ever lived on your own, possibly this man has knocked your confidence, speaking from experience i felt amazing after leaving my abusive ex. What is it about living on your own with your son concerns you? Maybe chat about this to your support network.

Regarding payments please consider CSA if he defaults.

Also if possible ensure you have somewone there when you handover your child. My ex would enjoy making this as difficult as possible. In hindsight I should have considered stopping contact due to his behaviour.

This is an amazing thing your doing for you and your child. Take all the support you need. From your support network, womans aid or here.

Please don't agree not to go via CSA entirely. If he has CCJs, they can apply to have monies deducted from his wages - his CSA payments will come first and the money he pays to you from his post-tax earnings/own bank account is potentially discounted from the calculation so he may not have anything left to pay you.

Also if you're doing all the travel you'll probably find alternate weekends is better or you'd constantly be a taxi service.

@PurpleDiamond34 you both sound difficult tbh.
You are beyond lucky to be offered a Council house at all. You don't want to be with your partner but you don't want to be on your own. Every woman who has a child takes that risk.
He will offer what he offers for contact, you can't dictate and he probably doesn't have the capability to meet your child 's SEND for longer spells anyway. It's a very different prospect to his other child staying with him.
Kindly, you have some serious growing up go do. Take the house, sort out what's needed to move and take it step by step from there.
I wouldn't trust a voluntary maintenance payment either. If you go via CMS everyone will get a smaller share of his overall maintenance commitment. Better to have less allocated officially and get it than chase for what's promised otherwise.

Because it’s up to him unfortunately, it’s as simple as that. If his eldest is “easier” then that will be why.

Yes it every much is because the eldest is easier to look after.

Then that’s your reason and there isn’t anything you can do about that. He can choose to have one child every weekend, he can choose to have the other every other, if he wanted to he could choose to never have your child or to have him one night a month.

All of that is out of your control though, you can’t force him to do more and neither can any court or judge so just let that go.

Yes I suppose you are right. Doesn't make it ok though. I feel so sorry for my son, his own parent treating him me differently because he is different. I don't have that opportunity and if I had, I still wouldn't.

He needs to pay the full CS you are entitled to. Either direct or via CSA. That's his choice. Do not except less. His debts/bills are not your issue.

Would you qualify for nursery hours once you move? Having some day time child care might help you cope so you don't feel so alone.

As you are the one moving away I think it's reasonable you help with facilitating DC seeing their father.

Yes we will qualify fo funded hours at nursery. He is due to start school in September and we already have a school place here but obviously that's pointless now because he wont be here and we will be in a different local authority.

He has said that if I contact CSA that he will make life difficult for me financially with my other benefits that I receive. Saying he report me and tell them I'm playing the system (I'm not) it's just his way of trying to control me because he knows I will worry and pander to him if I feel threatened.

Yes, it's me who's moving away, but, I came here for my ex partner when I was pregnant (we were long distance at the time) I left ally friends and family because he said if I didn't then he would not be in DS life. Then, after maternity. He would not let me go back to work because he didn't want to share childcare, I'm not taking DS.away out of spite. I don't have any thing here for me and DS except his dad.

If he doesn’t want to have your son more than twice a month, you can’t force him (and I presume you wouldn’t want to).

It’s awful but I would take the house near your family so that you will have support as you clearly want and need it. It doesn’t sound like he will put up any resistance anyway because he clearly can’t cope.