To not have a romantic life while my children are teenagers

[sossies]

I’m 50. My two teenagers live with me full time. They have little or no relationship with their dad. He is disinterested in them but always has been so they’re used to being with me 100% of the time in the last seven years since we separated and then divorced.

One of my children has ASD and anxiety. The anxiety comes about every now and again at times of high stress but mostly said child is happy and secure and has lovely friends and attends mainstream school. He is very resilient.
The other struggles to make friends . He has been given every therapy and opportunity to support him with attachment issues to me and subsequent trauma from dad’s sudden departure and fall out.
I have devoted my entire life to my children since , bar a long distance romance a few years ago that fizzled out.

My youngest child has behaviour issues in that he can be aggressive, rude and in the past has tried to control my life. He has eerily similar attributes to his father despite all the work I’ve tried to do with him .It has been a horrendous few years trying to parent him as he has resisted therapy and support at every turn. He just wanted me with him at all times and would monitor all my movements and activities . It has been extremely hard and frankly, claustrophobic.

My youngest doesn’t go out much and depends on me to bring him everywhere and entertain him, he’s 16. I’ve been advised professionally by all agencies to start living my life with out guilt and CAMHs suggested I begin dating again when asked if I was interested in a relationship outside of family and friends.

My youngest will go to activities with certain people if invited with no worries or care about what I’m up to so I know it’s selective behaviour.

So back to my AIBU… I’ve met someone with whom I could see myself enjoying some free time without blending or involvement of children.

AIBU or selfish to pursue this. I’d like to meet him once per week( he’s an hour away) and spend an overnight with him . I have an older adult child who is there at weekends so the three would be alone one night at a weekend and possibly a weekend away every now and again.

My youngest has already started tutting that I’m on the phone to this new man which happens once or twice per week and stated that I’m ’never There ‘ anymore as I’ve met him for a walk once or twice per week for an hour At a time.
What your thoughts on this please?

You're allowed to put yourself first.

If your youngest is complaining that you're never there, correct him. He needs to know you're your own person and not just his mum

You're allowed a life

You're not being unreasonable. You're allowed to have relationships outside of your kids. You're not looking to move him in and you're following professional advice.

I wouldn't bring the new bf around your youngest though. That sounds like a confrontation waiting to happen, especially if he's controlling and aggressive.

Correct him when he gaslights you telling you you're never around.

Thank you. Both the man and I feel strongly about this thing being between us with no involvement with kids for a very very long time. I will never blend , ever .

You need to have a conversation with your kids. Will you explain that you are their mum. They are your priority but you’re also a person that needs time and space abd a private life outside of being a parent because that’s how humans build up their energy and keep their emotional and mental health preserved.

And that everybody deserves to have their own time and space respected

Fuck me it sounds like an awful half life you’ve lived for the last 7 years. In the long run you’d all benefit from this.

If this wasn’t a bf but a hobby, or maybe a pt job, how would you handle your dc’s complaints?

The fact that it is a relationship adds a layer of complexity to that. It’s something that needs to be addressed carefully. A normally developing, neurotypical teen would likely struggle with this. Your entitlement to live life and have relationships is a different issue to your dc’s need for support with this (presumably camhs weren’t offering extra help?).

I’m in Ireland and because we have a different education system, we don’t have the same reflexive expectations of maturity that I see over and over from UK posters, at the educational landmark ages of 11 and 16. I’d regard 16 as quite young, particularly for a boy, and even more so with SN in the mix.

The pattern of over reliance, then pushing you away, is normal adolescence, He might be slightly lagging. It’s very concerning though that you’re viewing him through the lens of your exdh. He’s a young lad, not a grown man. They’re different people. He’s likely getting a huge amount more support than your dh did.

I understand how hard it is not to project our dc’s problem behaviours into the future and predict terrible things. But that anxiety isn’t helpful. It also doesn’t allow for the vast amount of growth and development that still is unfolding. My autistic 17 and a half year old has matured so much in the last 18 months. He’s much more even tempered, resilient and developing more nuanced understanding. He’s immature in some ways for his age, but still maturing. Don’t lose hope.

I’d try and keep any relationship fairly discreet, and maybe develop some other interests too. If your dc haven’t a concept of you as anything other than their mum, it’s quite a leap and a shock to be envisioning you suddenly as a sexual person.

My child controls me , essentially. These are the words of the many professionals and personal friends and family that know us.
My life is a constant fight back to gain parental and personal control. I can’t describe it in any other way. It’s the toughest thing in the whole of my life despite all the tragedy I’ve experienced which is why I struggle so much with the guilt.

Absolutely take the advice of the professionals who have advised you to carve out time for yourself. It sounds like they think that your child would benefit from you exerting some boundaries when he wants to control you. I hear that it makes you feel guilty but I think you need to work through that and see it from a different perspective, namely it’s actually healthier for him if he learns to respect that you have some autonomy otherwise these attachment issues won’t have a chance to resolve themselves.

You are entitled to a life OP

It will be difficult but it is possible.

I have experience of this, and being calm, firm but insistent that you are a person too, you are allowed to have friends and a boyfriend, and that you are not leaving their life, all helps, but I have to be honest and say it is not easy with older teens who are clingy, anxious and used to controlling you as a way of managing their own anxiety.

It can end up being another source of stress for you, and not a source of pleasure, plus the more you show you want to get away from them, the more the teen will resist.

I suggest continuing support for your son separately (don't do family therapy, it just goes in circles with this type of child IMO), get therapy and support for yourself, and start having time for yourself in small ways which are not related to this man.

Your son might well prefer it if you are his source of sociality and entertainment, but what he's doing is depending on you for his reassurance (to control huge anxiety) and to avoid life (social needs meet by mum). What you can't do easily is just insist he detach a bit and hope for the best, he will cling on harder so you need to have a plan for that, get support and maintain your own equilibrium.

Be prepared for the emotional guilt remarks 'you don't care' 'you are running away' 'you don't love me' and treat him like a toddler lashing out, be calm but firm about what's going on.

In our case, this was exacerbated by years of illness for that child and so their fears were strong but holding them back. Eventually, over time, through maturing (16 is young for a boy) and through slow steady steps, their therapy and the opportunity to make friends/leave home, it has become much easier.

I agree with the professionals, co-dependence isn't helping your son cope with his problems, and the solution that you sacrifice your life for his isn't even working anyway. I hope this helps you, it's a very difficult problem, made worse by the fact you feel you could have done things differently- but some children just are wired like this, and absences which are not caused by you (dad leaving) leave them overly enmeshed with the nice caring parent who stayed!

I didn't mean don't see the man, he sounds lovely. I meant practice having time you are out and not available when it's not about this emotionally loaded thing, just go out for the afternoon, try to go away one evening when you are not with him and see how it goes. If it's all about this other man, it's harder to get an emotionally dependent child to detach- but you deserve a life in all aspects, to socialise, downtime, shop for clothes, be a person separate to your son, as well as have a romantic life. It also helps you sidestep the 'son vs new man' dynamic which is coming your way.

I cannot thank you enough x

‘Start having time for yourself that is not related to the possible new man’
This strikes me as a very sensible tentative step (for everyone!). GOod luck.

Your youngest is going to have to get used to you not being there all tghe time at some stage- presumably he with do something with his life, university, a job - most of his day i, if not all of it will be without you- better he gets used to it now, otherwise you are continuing to enable his controlling behaviour.