To ease off our friendship because of hervpartner

[AnnaQuayRules]

I have a long standing close friend who a couple of years ago started seeing a man. He was married with 3 children. She was single and child free.

He decided to leave his wife and move in together. They are both quite materialistic and decided to rent a "luxury" flat in a swanky new apartment block, and then buy once the divorce and financial settlement was sorted.

The block only has one and two bedroom apartments. He has 3 children, two boys and a girl aed between 9 and 15. They can't come and stay because there aren't enough bedrooms.

For the same rental amount, friend and partner could rent a 4 bed house elsewhere in the city, but they won't do so as it's a "grottier area" (their words, not mine). I used to live in that area and it's not grotty!

He also told me that one of his sons plays lots of football, but his (now ex) wife always goes to the matches as he finds them really boring.

I've pulled away from the friendship a bit because their attitude towards his DC is, imo. awful. I feel quite sad as we've been friends a long time but I really don't agree with their decisions.

So AIBU to continue to pull away from her, or should I try to overlook this and concentrate on what I do like about her and our friendship?

Well he sounds like a selfish twat. I’m with you, I think I’d struggle to be around that and find it hard not to say something. I think I’d probably distance myself.

I'd steer clear for a while

I couldn't stay with friends with someone like this she may be a parrot of him and if so doesn't seem to have much self respect but she is her own person who can think for herself

But no I would stop contact

You are so disgusted with her behaviour you probably won't want to be friends at the moment . But it's early days and she is in love so her attitude to the DC and to their dad's poor parenting might change in time. Hope she doesn't have a child with him too.

She may be in love but she has a brain, Why do women fall for gulliblelenss

I am not defending her for going along with this man's wish to avoid being there for his kids, but thinking that one day she might see his behaviour more clearly. Especially if she's young now.

She's not young, she's in her 40s. And they've now been seeing each other for 2 years, living together for nearly a year.

She does seem to be parroting him. She's always been very left wing, but he's a right wing snob and she's now coming out with some of his views. His older two are at boarding school and she's noe saying stuff about how great boarding schools are for building character whereas she used to take the view that boarding schools churned out Hooray Henry types.

I am not picking on you personally but we have age and being in love as excuses for a woman not to use her own brain and not be a copycat

Are woman not as capable of thinking just as much as men?

I think that men in love, are at least as likely to overlook unpleasant facts about their beloveds. It's not foolishness, more a total lack of objectivity.
In OP's friend's case, it may also be that she doesn't realise how shocking it is to avoid having his kids to stay over when he could easily afford the space.

I’d be questioning my friend about why she’s dating someone who’s willing to have a home where his kids can’t stay? And what that means if they ever decide have children?

you don’t have to be aggro about it. Just consistently make a confused face and say that’s weird?

you know your friend is she having a bit of a stupid moment or are these her values. People do stupid things and date questionable people. Its up to you how much you can handle morally.

I had a similar situation with a friend - she started seeing a married man who left his wife for her and was also a controlling arse- and we are no longer friends. I just couldn't bear to be around them. He was awful (treated his wife like shit) and she was the idiot lapping it up who thought he was the bees knees. It was a gradual thing but the friendship became untenable. She also became distant from other friends. I was her friend from school but she also had friends from university that she cut off. Anyway, they're now married and I haven't spoken to her in 11 years ! Just to let you know it might not be a temporary thing.

I let a very long standing friendship go, friends since childhood, because of her partner. He was jealous, controlling, didn't bother with his children from a previous relationship and made me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable when I visited her. Eventually, it just became too difficult to maintain the friendship. We would make arrangements to meet and she would always have to cancel because of some crisis of his or he would constantly be phoning and texting if she visited me. I just couldn't understand why she would put up with it but she thought it was just that he 'loved her so much' 🙄 I haven't seen her for many years now but I know they're still together. I bear her no ill will and hope that she's happy.

I suspect that this might be the case here. She is now like a different person. Plus he comes out with some absolute shit and she doesn't challenge him. We were there for dinner a while ago and he made some comments about "comprehensive school oiks" . She know full well that our DC went to a comprehensive but didn't challenge him on it.

We've been friends for over 20 years but maybe it's run its course.

It does sound similar. I remember sitting with them and he was saying horrible untrue things about people - long term friends of hers, her brother even ! She was just sitting smiling and nodding. My DH said to me afterwards if he's saying things like that about everyone else he'll be saying it about us too. I think he was right.

She also used to cancel plans or worse - turn up with him unannounced. We'd arrange to go out for lunch or shopping and I'd go to meet her and he was there. A sign of him being controlling I think as he knew I didn't like him so didn't want to give ne a chance to speak to her in private.

Your experience sounds very like mine. It's sad and actually took me a while to get over emotionally.

Your friend sounds like an awful person too.

Her and her partner deserve each other and I would pull away from both.

He sounds odious. If spending time with her has become a chore and leaves you with unpleasant thoughts running round your head, it seems wise to put some distance between you, or insist you only meet up without her DP somehow.