To think the MN attitude to step-parents is very strange?

[YoohooPoo]

I have seen many posters on MN say that step parents should not be responsible for their stepchildren, financially or childcare wise. I find this very odd and not like anything I have experienced IRL. I have a 5 year old DD with ex - we split up a month after her birth so she has never known us as a unit, I don’t know if this makes a difference. I started a relationship with DP 4 years ago (knew him previously for years from school and dated briefly so not a stranger to me by any means) and after a year of dating and seeing each other separately we moved in together and now have a 5 month old DS. Not married yet but engaged.

DP has always looked after DD as if she were his own which I am very grateful for, and I never expected him or asked him to in the early days - her dad is very involved and has her 3 days a week. DP had no children of his own. Now that we are living together and have DS, he takes care of both of them financially and caring wise, e.g he will take them to see his family (who also see her as their own), will do bedtime routines, take her to appointments and pick up prescriptions if I am unable to, come to parents’ evenings if ex is working, pay for uniform etc as I am currently a SAHM but things like that usually come out of child maintenance anyway and he will pay any overage. Anything she needs on our time he will get for her. He is an excellent step dad and ex has no qualms as he also lives with his girlfriend (I’m not sure how much she does though).

But the attitude is very strange on here with people saying step parents should not discipline, not pay for things, only let primary carers make decisions. I find this utterly bizarre and not a good way to live. If you start a relationship with somebody with children and decide to go on to propose, marry them and live with them, IMO you are accepting responsibility for your stepchildren and accepting them being a part of your everyday life and family. Some posts on here I have seen talk as if each other’s children are separate responsibilities and their shared child is both. We are not a blended family as such so maybe I am not seeing the perspective but it just comes across as very odd to me.

AIBU?

Isn’t it often the stepmother is landed with all the household and child care then the other family do not discipline or care well for the child. Then the SM is advised to step back a bit.

But it is in the SM (or SF) control not to allow that to happen and disucssions should happen and expectations set before before moving in with someone with children

I came on to the scene when my step kids were teenagers, my kids were at uni or moved out.

I don’t parent his kids when they’re here. He doesn’t parent mine (although it’s different with adults). I will cook for everyone if I’m cooking, as does he, we do whatever laundry is required. I don’t do drop offs or pick ups that’s on him. There his kids, he has to parent them.

extended family treat the respective steps in a similar way - small gift at Christmas but no expectation of inheritance or wedding invites. I do the same with my bothers step kids. I think he does similar with his sister’s step kids but I honestly don’t know.

I also don’t do presents for his side, nor birthday cards. That’s his department. He doesn’t do mine either.

I don't see people being told they shouldn't take their stepchildren out or treat them as well as their own children.
I do see threads like the dreadful one that has stuck in my memory - the OP had a newborn and both the dad and mum to her school-age stepchild were expecting her to do something like an hour round trip with her newborn every single day for 2 school runs. Or threads where the man has quickly found a new girlfriend so he can still piss off out to play 5-a-side or golf all day on his contact weekends and "work late" on his contact weekdays.

People have different levels of comfort. I wouldn’t like a man to step into the role as I’d never trust him enough, no matter how well I knew him as he isn’t her father.
Echoing others, it’s always easier as the resident parent.
I have a few friends who live with partners who are step parents, they’re great step dads, but in all cases they’re not great to their bio children, the visiting children.
The visiting children always have it harder.

I agree OP. The most galling threads are the ones where an OP clearly has no regard for her husband's existing children and would prefer them out of sight, out of mind so she can concentrate on her own little family, and she's told this is all fine and natural. (Conversely many stepdads are praised on here for raising a woman's children as if they were his own - which is as it should be - but the same never seems to apply to stepmums.)

A sense of fairness is so, so important to children, both young ones and teenagers. It's actually heartbreaking to read about kids who are so palpably unwanted in not just one but two households.

And of course it's actually understandable not to want to raise someone else's kids. I get that completely. Step-parenting is really hard and complicated. But there's a really, really easy solution if you don't want the trials and tribulations of doing it - DON'T DATE PEOPLE WITH KIDS. I don't know why people find that so hard. I'm child-free, and I didn't want either parenting or step-parenting in my life, so that's exactly what I did. Men with kids were simply not viable dating options for me.

I understand that the dynamic is very different when you come into the children’s lives as teenagers - indisputably they already have a long established setup and expectations of biological parents. However my post was more towards step parents of younger children. I see a lot of posts where stepchildren are pushed out (see the recent thread about the woman with multiple children and no bed for her stepchild) and obviously this is more of a biological parent problem for allowing it to happen. But I can’t imagine being so cruel in this way and yes, it is cruel to give more love and attention to your own children than the SC when they are all together.

This is all very nice and cosy now but if you and your DP split will you make sure he has regular contact with your DD until she's a adult? It's a different dynamic by definition.

You sound like you're in a little bubble of what's working for you - and that's great. But other people bring different stories. Your co-parenting relationship for example might be an eyebrow raise for many people.

Is it cruel? In my case I don’t think so - my step kids go to their dad if they need something and if we are all together with my lot, my grandchildren get the most attention from everyone, because my partner doesn’t have any grand children yet.

You are in a very different situation than the stepmothers these comments are made to. Can't you see that? In effect your DD has been brought up with two dads and your DH accepted that he was taking on your baby as well as you.

@YoohooPoo you are being somewhat naïve.

If push came to shove and an issue ever arose which forced your partner to make a choice between your DD and his DS, whom do you think he'd favour?

He treats the children equally, to his credit ofc, because there has never been an occasion that has detrimentally impacted your lives.

So, other people with life experiences and set-ups different from yours have different opinions. And you find that strange.

How nice to know you're right.

I’m a stepmum, dsd is now 17 but I’ve known her since she was 3. We are really close but it hasn’t always been that way because her mum made everyone’s lives a bloody misery. Stepparents do get a bad rep on here op, I agree with you.

Im married so not in this situation, my DC are getting older. I’ve no issue with a Stepmother, If DH and I broke up, I wouldn’t bring a stepfather into the home. I wouldn’t be comfortable giving him that role. I trust women. 🫣

I think the attitudes here are no different to real life. Some people believe step-parents have a parental role and some don’t.

It’s why I tend to avoid dating men with kids as I don’t want financial or childcare duties for children that are not mine. Luckily the one time I dated a man with kids he did not expect that.

Given the rates of abuse in households with step
parents I did not allow men around my son when he was young.

Especially since I come from an abusive marriage and childhood, I needed to work on my patterns before trusting myself to choose a good man.

I’ve now been in a beautiful healthy relationship for three years. He just started sleeping over on Saturday nights when my 15 yo is here.

He’s an extra adult my son can talk to and turn to for advice. He’s not his parent though.

You say that you realise there are a different set ups but I don’t think you do. There are so many different setups that you failed to appreciate.

For example, set ups where the stepchildren are with you for two days out of 14. And the house doesn’t have enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own room

So it would make sense to prioritise children who are living full-time at the house, even if it means the stepchildren have to share

Especially if the stepchildren have their own space at their own house because otherwise the children living full-time don’t have their own space anywhere whilst The stepchildren have their own space 12 out of 14 days.

Or situations where the ex is paying for private education Obviously, the ex isn’t going to pay for someone else’s children, but what if you couldn’t afford to pay it yourself for your joint children? There are so many inequalities that are just a realty of blended families

Or where a child has two involved parents but one of their new partners has incredibly different parenting views that completely contradict the way you and your ex typically parent. Should they be free to parent in ways you don’t feel comfortable with? Like for example, smacking if you live somewhere where smacking is allowed legally.

Or when the parent works shifts of some manner which means the step parent is effectively doing all the parenting for their step child

There are lots of situations though that you’re not taking into account what if grandparents left a trust for education for their grandchildren and you couldn’t afford to educate your stepchildren privately you can’t treat them equally

Just because doing step parenting one way works for you doesn't mean it works that way for everyone, there are just way too many factors and differences involved. So yes, you're unreasonable to think you've found the One True Way.

Also, there are some situations where a stepparent cannot assume parental responsibility, such as signing medical or surgical consent forms. They're not considered a parent under the law unless they take legal steps such as guardianship or adoption.

And sometimes families don't blend. There's personal incompatibilities and conflict.

Discipline can turn into abuse.

I've only seen one truly successful blended family in my life. The rest were shit of varying degrees and it's usually the kids that end up behind the 8 ball.

It's obviously really personal to the individual situation. You'll see more pushback on here because women are expected to upend their lives for their stepchildren more often.

I've seen plenty of step-parenting situations work well. My own stepdad has been in my life since I was 6, get on well, part of the family, is grandad to all the grandchildren. I'm still close to my dad too. No drama really.

Friends at school absolutely loved their dad's new long-term girlfriends when they were teenagers because they were fun and would do things like buy them clothes and makeup and let them drink wine. I don't think they were expected to take on any kind of parenting role being introduced at age 15 or whatever, though.

I think very often the suggestion of a ‘hands off’ approach comes up on Mumsnet when a woman is expected to effectively be a stepchild’s parent while the dad himself does fuck all. You see this all the time where it’s almost as if the man is relieved to have a surrogate mum on hand to do all the boring grunt work for HIS child that he can’t be arsed to do. Half the time he’s also indulging in some hobby or other at the weekend when he should be spending time with his child. And guess who’s picking up the slack? That’s when you see posters telling the OP that she needs to step back and let her husband/partner parent his own child. And it’s pretty much ALWAYS a man taking the piss.

So your first child has three sets of grandparents and your second child has two? Sounds "fair" to me! 🙄

Nothing is fair about blended families and parents having children with multiple partners. It's always the children who miss out and always the children who are most affected and this is often brushed aside by the parent who wants another child with their latest boyfriend/girlfriend.

But that can’t be helped. Are you suggesting I should have stayed single forever after leaving an abusive man so as not to be “unfair” to my first child?

I fully agree. My husband came into our lives when my children were 9 and 10. We got married quite quickly and he took to my children as if they were his own. He cared for them through my initial illness and subsequent disability, at times he was definitely the primary parent.

He even went to court and gained parental responsibility over them. (Their biological father didn’t want/couldn’t be bothered to go to court to get it himself, it wasn’t automatic back in those days).

He’s been through hell with the kids, they haven’t been easy (especially the eldest) but he’s always been there and still is, even though they are adults.

They don’t call him Dad but they treat him as if he is, they respect him and love him. If talking about him with others they call him ‘my dad’.

He’s now the BEST granddad you could ask for, DNA makes no difference, she’s his little buddy and they are two peas in a pod (my stepdad is also a brilliant grandad and great grandad.)

Not everyone is set up to be a good step parent, but I do think that if you are married to someone with children you automatically take on a certain responsibility for those children.

Late DH took on DS1 as his own, he said he wouldn't feel the same about him as he did about DS2, but as the years went by he did, because he'd seen him grow up from 2.5 to 15.