Am I a bad mum?

[sunflower5743]

I feel like a terrible mother, I have an 8yo daughter and am 15 weeks pregnant. Cutting a long story short, me and my partner of 14 years separated around 3 weeks ago, our relationship has been seriously up and down he didn’t treat me very kindly at times and I started to become a different person and I’d finally had enough. It became quite abusive on both sides as well.

I got pregnant after having sex once this year and was always under the impression I’d never have anymore children due to health reasons.

He has been staying with a friend for the past few weeks but has decided on moving in with his mum who lives in London, we live about 200 miles away. He told our 8yo today that he will be staying with her for a while and she burst into tears and was asking when he will be coming back.

I feel like an awful mother for 1 keeping the baby and also not trying to push my feelings to the side for the sake of our daughter, she is extremely upset and although me and him aren’t the same anymore he’s a great dad to her. We had a talk tonight and he apologised for everything but I don’t know if I can forgive him for certain things, but now that makes me feel like I’m the one breaking the family apart and I really don’t know how to feel about myself at the moment.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by not being together anymore.
Kids adapt. What are his plans for contact if he is moving 200 miles away?

If there is abuse, it is better for your daughter that you have separated. Of course it will take some getting used to, but don’t be beating yourself up thinking she’d be better if you stayed together.

You haven’t actually said if you WANT this baby. If you do, that’s great - why would you be an awful mum for keeping the baby? If you don’t, that’s ok too - but you need to actually quickly if you’d like to exercise your legal right to choose. Don’t make a rash decision, but do have a good think about what you want, and how you will cope. Think about which decision you would regret more.

Good luck whichever option you choose. You have been incredibly brave to leave an abusive relationship, be proud of the example you are setting.

He hasn’t made any plans yet, he says this is his only option as he has nowhere else to go but I’ve told him he can stay with us until he finds something, probably not ideal but I thought it would be better for our daughter that he doesn’t move to London but he said he will find it too hard

Thank you, yes I want to keep the baby but don’t know if that makes me a bad mum because I’ve chosen to leave him, what if they both end up resenting me for not trying to work through things

I absolutely despise when people stay together for ‘the kids sake’, when it never actually is, they just use it as an excuse.

There is nothing worse for kids than having their parents living together when they don’t get on.

Even if there is no abuse, it still messes up their lives.

You have absolutely done the right thing OP!!

For now, DD can have holidays to go and see him and I’m sure he’ll eventually move closer so that he can see her more often.

Do you have a support system in place?

That’s ridiculous, of course many people stay together for the kids’ sake to their own detriment.

There are also plenty of things worse than having their parents stay together for their sake even though they don’t get on - there are levels of “not getting on” and some low levels still probably mean children are better off staying in one house than splitting. This is why so many people agonise over it so much, it is not just cut and dry in so many cases.

In this case, however, OP has said there is abuse on either side so that’s way beyond not getting on. That’s time to separate.

He is the one choosing to move to London not you. He can always choose not to.

Stick to your guns. Your daughter will get used to it

How on earth is staying togethet healthy for your current child? and you decide to decide what kind of life the next child will have with this as a father and the effect all this will have on your current child

Sure parents can say kids will cope with anything but what is right?

it is all well people going down the route of ''any child is a blessing'' or ignore anything practical or important but this is real life so do what you think it actually best

Eh?!

I think that it’s going to be tough with an 8 year old and a baby. Having a new born is really challenging even when you share the role. I assume that you have to have family close by or really close friends to continue with the pregnancy. Also, financially it will be really challenging unless your partner is happy to contribute well. It would have been preferable to have been single with just your daughter.

I am confused why you allowed yourself to become pregnant again as any risk is a risk ie you were capable of getting pregnant as you already had one child and were still of fertile years. Yet you had unprotected sex when your relationship was unsettled. So at that point, when you had an unsettled relationship that was when the damage was done. For me, if there was any chance my relationship could not last, I would want to protect my 8 year old financially and emotionally. I would not want to divide resources ( time and money).

However, what is done is done.

Your 8 year old might draw comfort from the baby and helping you a little with him/ her. This might lift her emotions whilst you get through the split.

Be careful that she does not resent the baby and become detached. She might feel that as you devote so much time and attention to the baby, she has lost both her dad and you.

It’s a bit of a mess that you are going to have to navigate carefully thinking really very much not just on the baby but on your daughter. Don’t make her a major carer for the baby as she will resent you but worse still, might really resent the baby. I have lived that as the ‘baby’ and it never goes away.

Big hugs I’m so sorry that sounds hard. I’m praying you find the right path for your family

That’s so unnecessary.

Yes she's really irresponsible for not terminating a 15 week foetus isn't she. This site is so nasty sometimes.

I did have unprotected sex knowing the risks yes, but like I said our relationship was up and down and abusive and I was very confused at times, the time that we had sex we were getting along and I already feel stupid for this.

Also my daughter certainly won’t be the ‘carer’ for the baby as she’s 8 years old and aside from feeling like I’m not a great mum I would never allow a child to be put in that position.

Well best foot forward. It will be tiring but you will muddle through. Join mum and baby groups if you can. Maybe share baby sitting if you can with other families. Grab whatever is on offer in terms of support for your little ones.

Identifying yourself as a bad mother is pointless . We are all bad mothers just muddling through and making it up as we go on. So don’t be down on yourself. It really achieves little.

I forgot to add - hopefully you will get support on your local community eg neighbours / groups etc

Of course keeping your baby wouldn't make you a bad mum.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter- you will be better off without your partner who sounds horrible, and you will be setting an example for your daughter not to let people treat her badly.