Why so many posts accusing adult DC of being transactional?

[Focacciaisyum]

Recently there have been a lot of posts from grandparents complaining that their adult kids are unreasonable for asking for help with childcare and saying they don't want to provide any. I actually think this is a bit sad but fair enough, its their lives, they can spend them how they like. But they often get a response from someone saying along the lines of 'thats fine but dont expect elderly care from.your kids then' to which they seem outraged and accuse the poster of being 'transactional' I don't get it. Where's the logic? Why is it ok for one generation to say they dont want to help out and just want to get on with their lives, but not another?

If grandparents are going to set an example to their adult children that they should be self sufficient and not rely on family for help then a lot will live by this rule when their parents are the ones wanting help.

Well yes exactly. And surely all relationships are transactional to a degree anyway? We rely on give and take. 2 way relationships.

No clue.

You can look at the threads about postpartum mums wanting space for some days or a week after birth and posters trotting out not to expect anyone to want to do childcare when they need it as if a grandparents’ want to hold a brand new baby should trump the mum who just birth said baby.

I think some believe that because the parents birthed and raised their children although that is what a parent is supposed to do, adult children are obligated to take care of their parents as payment for being born as if children who didn’t ask to be here owe them for the choices their parents made.

I agree with you that all relationships are a certain level of transactional. How many people would be in relationships if they were getting absolutely nothing out of them?

Does seem a hot topic. Always the women arguing about it seemingly, while fathers and grandfathers are peacefully absolved of any responsibility for any of it, the childcare, the transaction, or the arguments.

I don't have grandkids yet and I would like to think that I will help out if and when it happens. I helped to look after my mum when she got elderly and felt it was a privilege to do so. I don't expect my dc to care for me when I need it, but yes I do expect them to be there for me up to a point, visits, appointments etc where it is practical. We have a good relationship, and imo in a relationship people should be there for each other when they can.

Yes on a recent thread about parents moving away to retire I was shocked at the “well don’t expect care in your old age” attitudes.

firstly does anyone “expect” care? I certainly don’t expect my kids to be giving up work or taking a lot of time out from their lives to provide care.

i also think many people underestimate what elderly “care” looks like. It’s a full time job. Unless you’re retired and/or have no other commitments it’s pretty much impossible to care for an elderly person. They generally would need to live with you as well.

again too many people see childcare as helping the parent. My mil, for example, did a lot for her dd providing childcare, but nothing for her son. Because that’s my job. Sons don’t need help with childcare. Yet it was us that moved her to live with us and dh that did all her end of life care. The dd just wanted to make sure she got her inheritance and the house wasn’t sold for care.

providing childcare is a choice. Personally if you like your grandkids then I can’t see why you would refuse to spend time with them. It’s not helping or doing something for someone, it’s spending time with those you love.

many relationships are transactional though. I’ve also seen many cases where elderly care is done to preserve inheritance.

Sure - you expect your kids to be there for you when you need it but presumably you'd be happy to be there for them if they need you too? Thats the difference that I keep reading. People saying they dont want to get involved to with childcare at all but then not seeing that as being the same as their kids saying they dont want to help.out THEM when they need it.

Help can take many forms as well.

elderly “care” again seems to be thought of as the kids doing everything for their parents.

but you can also help out by sorting paid care, finding good retirement options, or a care home if it gets to that point.

you don’t have to be driving every day to help them out of bed and make them breakfast.

same with children, if your family can’t help you choose paid-for options.

it’s not like anyone is obliged to do these things or you can’t get childcare/elderly care at all.

You reap what you sow. It's not purely transactional. It is relational. If you can't step up to help someone else, why would they step up to help you?

When I was a child there was a village of adults around me. We had our parents friends who also had kids, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

It was reciprocal. We would visit grandparents multiple times a week and check on them, help with grocery shopping. We would visit family & friends. They would visit us. Anyone in need got help.

Now things seem a lot more lonely for everyone. Partly capitalism forcing everyone to work harder and longer for a slice of bread.

We have photos from the 1980s of 11 of us 3-4 year olds running around the back garden while 2-3 mums watch us. The other mums got a break for the morning. It was a regular Thursday morning plan which rotated to each home.

Does seem like the case.

I do wonder why some expect their parents to help or want to help if their parents have never shown interest, never mentioned actually ever giving any help of some kind to begin with, or even said no.

My own parents were itching for me to have children and were already asking when I was going to at 22 because they had me at 23 and I wasn’t even dating anyone. Brought it up again when I was 25 and was with DH but we weren’t engaged or married yet and they talked about said grandchild having their own room, me actually living with them with this baby, etc so knew from the jump they would be definitely hands on grandparents and they are when we visit them and them us (live in separate countries). My parents had family help from both sides but it wasn’t always grandparents, it was other aunts, uncles and older cousins and that was the norm due to it being our specific family culture.

I can understand hoping for the possibility that they may change their mind or they made promises and didn’t keep them ( it is still their choice and right), but I wouldn’t fully bank on it and then complain afterwards and definitely would not have chosen to have children with the main reason being I would have childcare.

Although, in emergency circumstances, I do think it’s crazy not to help if you actually can unless there is form where the parent will give an inch and the adult child will take a mile, I can understand some hesitancy.

But why would the transaction go 'no help from grandparents = grandparents needn't expect any help as they age'?

The grandparents brought YOU up. Why do they have to do yet another generation to be worthy of help? What if they are also caring for their own parents?

I have grandchildren who live too far away for me to be of any help, one expected much more geographically close in a few weeks. I've said I will babysit, do the odd day here and there, but I'm not taking on a regular committment, a) because it's not fair on the grandchildren I CAN'T help, and b) because I've got a job and a life.

I don't expect my children to care for me in old age. I've taken steps to try to avoid that being the case, but I would hope that they'd offer now and again, just as I have offered to help with their child. I don't want full time care from my kids.

See i dont think having brought up your kids - whixh is the bare minimum you have to legally and morally do as a parent is enough. Thats not a kindness its qhat you are REQUIRED to do when you decided to become a parent. Kids dont ask to be born.
I do agree grandparents have no obligation to their grandkids but kids have no obligation to their parents either. Why would they want to put themselves put to someone who hadnt shown the same love and care for them BEYOND WHAT THEY ARE EXPECTED TO DO DUE TONTHE FACT THEY DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN.

I do agree with what you are saying here though: 'but I would hope that they'd offer now and again, just as I have offered to help with their child. I don't want full time care from my kids'

We help each other put both ways elbecausr thats what loving relationships do, no?