Who are the clever kids in your class?

[tobejudged]

AIBU to find this an unhelpful thing to ask a reception age kid?

My mum is quite judgmental so perhaps I’m being over sensitive but to me it’s encouraging him to pass judgement on his classmates and also letting him know other people are probably judging him.

Children will work out very quickly who the clever children are in any class. Perhaps reception is rather young for it to start. Your mother doesn’t sound very pleasant if she’s judging children solely on their academic ability.

I wouldn’t say she’s judging children solely on that but she will be keen to understand who’s good at what, that’s how she works. I know the kids will work it out but I don’t want my son to think it’s important to us who is clever IYSWIM.

I knew who the clever kids were in Reception, when I started it was still 3 intakes so as a summer born I started after Easter. All the cleverest kids were on the blue table, all the new starters were put on the red table which was the least clever: and everyone knew it.

No it's really not helpful of your mum to be asking this!

Oh! Very encouraging for the kids at the red table then? 🙄

Hes at a lovely little school BTW, I’m sure they don’t make a big deal of different abilities. I have no idea how he is doing vs his peers. I just know that he’s happy and getting on well. He’s not 5 yet so that seems good enough for now bless him. He’s so young.

I don’t see why it matters to your mom however I am staggered that you claim to have no idea how your DS is doing vs his peers. How is that even possible?

Have you had no parents evenings? No reading groups where it’s clear which kids are more advanced at this stage? No comparison of handwriting when the see birthday cards? No indication at the nativity play of which children are more engaged?

There are loads of signs. It’s impossible not to have a fair idea where your DS stands in relation to others at this stage even if you’re not interested.

What does she plan to do with the information? Encourage play dates with the clever ones?

I think they go on different tables depending on the topic/subject.

Everyone knows, including the children. We just all have to pretend we don’t or that, even if we do know, it doesn’t matter, because there’s 83 different types of intelligence.

Political correctness obviously sailed straight over your mum’s head.

What does clever even mean at that age? I think its OK to ask who is good at reading or maths or sports or doing jobs for teacher etc. They are specific skills not generalised. I work with preschoolers so almost reception stage and I honestly couldn't say who is 'clever'. The kid who is a whizz at jigsaws or matching or logic games but can barely string a sentence together? The kid full of general knowledge and facts but can't get shoes on the right feet and struggles to open and close a lunch box. The kid who chats non stop about what's going in her life, with excellent vocabulary and grammar but has trouble matching numerals with quantity? Who is cleverer? All are genuine examples of kids starting next Sept.

Edited to add I agree with you OP that it's not ok to ask that question and to encourage the child to judge others

I know he got his first reading book earlier than lots of the kids (because you could see who had one and who didn’t when they left the classroom) but I don’t now know what book other children are on in the scheme - how would I know? We have had 2 parents evenings and we’re told how he is getting on, that he is engaged, listens well, that there are no concerns. We don’t know how he’s getting on vs other kids. I’ve not seen other children’s writing - he hadn’t had birthday cards (he’s not 5 yet). They didn’t do a nativity play, they sang some Christmas songs for the parents and all except 1 child behaved as you would expect. He’s very engaged in lessons FWIW (when they send pictures of the class he’s always say at the front, always paying attention), which is great but it doesn’t give me any indication of his attainment vs his peers.

i am absolutely interested in how my child is doing, I’ve not said anything to indicate that I’m not.

I don't know to be honest - I don't think it's a particularly thought out or calculated question, she's just interested. My concern is that although she doesn't have terrible intent. She IS very judgemental and I don't want my DS growing up being encouraged to judge other people or feeling judged himself.

I don’t know your mum, obviously, and if you say she’s judgy, I’m sure she probably is.
But asking who the clever kids are, in and of itself, isn’t being judgy. Any more than asking who the sporty kids are, or who the funny kids are. She could have just been making conversation and showing an interest.

You know better than me though! 😂

This is why I posted - maybe I am overreacting because I am hyper sensitive to her judgemental ways!

Exactly! And tbh, it’s hard for us to say without knowing her. But your son WILL work out who the clever, sporty, funny kids are, and it won’t translate to him as being judgy, it’ll just educate him that everyone is different and have different attributes that can all be positive!
You making an issue of the question will make him wonder though, so tread carefully 🩵

Yes good point - I certainly haven't said anything to him.

I think that you need to realise that maybe your son is not the brightest, most sporty boy, but your mum is wanting that for that for him, do you you not just want him to be a kind happy lad , finding fun in life , I think he’ll sense all this .. I just don’t understand why you care about where he is , just who he is

I'm slightly struggling to follow your post but I think you might have the wrong end of the stick. I am not anxious about my kids relative ability in class or sports. I am very happy with how he seems to be navigating life, at 4 years old.

Yes I’m sure he’s amazing and smashing it , but you don’t want him to be friends with children who are not ? If he came home and said his best friend was not so bright and sporty and sat at the red table , or whatever, you wouldn’t want that, I’m sorry , I just don’t understand why you are worried about who your children are friends with, and your mother, no concern of hers

Clever is too vague for a 4 year old, You need to ask something more specific like who is the best at reading or numbers? Who is the tallest? Who is good at writing? Who is the fastest at running? and so on.

It’s human nature to compare to others. It’s why many kids enjoy games like Top Trumps and books like The Guiness Book of Records and seeing the tallest man in the world or knowing what animal can run the fastest etc

If your mum is judgy the possible red flag is the reaction to your son’s answer. For example if Tom is on books without pictures (and your son isn’t) and she asks ds about reading more to beat Tom then that’s not going to help his self esteem.

Whoa some people are not able to understand what you are saying at all! Reception may be a bit young, I don’t think my kids were attuned to that sort of thing then. But they sure knew a few years later, and of course they’ll put them in sets in secondary- I’ve only just discovered now how this affected my son (who only has himself to blame as he seemed allergic to studying) who told a relative that he was put in the ‘dummy set’. It is natural to compare children, of course we take pride in our kids achievements and one can only tell how good they are at anything in relation to others. And for sure the kids do that too.
Some kids compare and decide it’s not worth it, others take it as a challenge to do better. My DS the former, my DD the latter. It comes from within though.

I’m not worried 🤷‍♀️

The cleverest kids were on the green table when I was at school, then blue, red and yellow. I was conflicted because my favourite colour was yellow but it was seen as shameful to be on the yellow table.

When I was on work experience the top table was stars, then diamonds, triangles and squares which I thought was a bit harsh.

Sorry, but this made me lol! Who on earth came up with that idea?!?

How did your son answer? My boys certainly knew who else was clever in their (tiny) reception classes, who was best at reading, music, sport, solving problems etc. TBH we found it tended to be the same handful of children for most things and a lot depended on their age. My eldest was the youngest in his class and whilst pretty clever, he wasn’t the fastest runner or the best at sports then as he was small and almost a year younger than his friends. My youngest on the other hand was just as clever but also had the advantage of being the second oldest in his class and so was taller, stronger and faster than everyone else.

The kids all know, but I don’t think any of them judge, I think it’s just like us when if we have a friend who is better at a sport or a hobby than us, we are pleased for them. Reception children also know who is the kindest, who shares the best, who is really helpful etc.

I don't think it's inherently a bad or judgemental question, depending on the tone or how she responds to the answer. I like to ask my kids questions like this as I get better responses than the general "so what did you do at school today"-"I don't know/can't remember". I tend to ask things like that and what was the worst thing that happened today, what amazing thing happened, what did you eat for pudding, which teacher is the loudest, which kid is the naughtiest, who is best at skipping etc., it lets you hear the more colourful side of school. My youngest has SEN so I have also sounded out which kids she does 'special extra jobs' with and how they group them up so I can figure out who is likely to be a good playdate for her as the teachers obviously don't share this info. Asking who is clever is a nicer way round than who isn't and my DD at least enjoys telling me about who writes the fastest, who can count backwards from a hundred, who can run the fastest etc, kids don't see it as a negative at that age.

Schools place kids on different tables according to ability. The kids soon learn who is on the higher tables. Do you think your mum was asking as she wanted him to say he was the clever kid?