Aibu that being the Mum who drives means full onus of transport?

[Cocktailglass]

Bit of background...DC is is a wonderful specialist school and has a group of lovely friends. There are 3 of them together; I or DH take him to school and they get taxis, y6, but has been the same for years.

NC...Jake is one of 3 children, all 3 are in specialist education, parents are nice, can't have friends in their home because of the risks in the area (arson, anti social behaviour, Jake sleeps at his GP's house in next street) House also smells of weed which hits you at front door, parents are basically what you would call a bit scruffy, not bothered what anyone thinks, but love their kids completely. Jake is street wise, hangs around in the hood, has no limits to where he can wander or bedtime.

Ben is also a child of 3, single Mum, eldest has moved out, mid child in mainstream school, he's in the house practically all the time. Very sweet, clearly autistic on first meeting, doesn't like many things and will become upset about whatever he finds uncomfortable

DS has SEN and is very young for his age, has his own issues and has bonded with Ben and Jake. As parents we're delighted and it's been fantastic to get them together outside of school.

So, back to the heading, first initiative was to invite them both to (NC) Alfie's birthday party. This naturally led to whattsapp chats, individually, to their Mums. As the families lived miles away and Mums didn't drive they were trying to make arrangements for lifts and when it became evident this was going to be a problem, my main concern was of course his BFs could attend so I offered to pick up and drop off. Not a problem, though with being busy with preparations and other guests it was a bit of a pita!

Anyway, so now I had made the initial effort for them to get together socially and they didn't even know me, entrusted me with taking their DC to our home. Lots of mesaages after saying thay had a great time and should meet up again. No forthcoming ideas and knew it wouldn't be a case of taking the lead for them but knowing Alfie wanted to see his friends, I said I'm taking him to the cinema/trampolining/park etc would Jake/Ben like to come?

This has naturally become the norm for me to arrange, pick up and drop off because it's the only way they can get together and they always have a brilliant time. It's not his friends' fault their parents have their own issues and can't/don't do what we do so it's up to us, well more me, to take responsibility and take them to places they wouldn't otherwise go.

The heading wasn't just about being the only driver, more the only parent who drives in a friendship group who is able to take them all away from their lives, which the Mums have been so happy to accept without even knowing me or DH properly!

Yes they maybe know I'm in a career with involves caring and DBS but that's only what their kids have been told by mine. Personally, I would be very hesitant about a parent taking my DC off in a car after a few chats and knowing they're at the same school.

Anyway, have accepted this is the case, it will be me responsible for Alfie to see his BFs. When it comes to the time for sleepovers, well that will also be difficult for the weed house parents who greet us in the front garden and Ben's Mum whose nerves are evident and scurries back behind her front door. They will be at ours, which is fine, again enabling the friendship to go forward. Xxx

You’re doing a great job but I can see it would be extremely irritating after a while. I hope they at least pay for the places you are taking them.

I don't think you're unreasonable to find this annoying, but it sounds like you've persisted with it so your son can see his friends. Not sure why all the info on the families' living circumstances is relevant to how much of a nuisance it is being a taxi service. If you disapprove of them, for the weed or the lack of manners or whatever, don't facilitate the friendship.

You’ve put a lot of detail into your op, but some of the details that might be useful are not there.
my understanding is that all 3 dc are year 6?
do they remain at the same school year 7 onwards?
at least one of the dc is fairly independent able to go out and about in the local area?
what about your dc and the other boy?
Are there any mobility issues or learning disabilities etc you need to consider?

potentially you can build up to them travelling independently to the nearest town/leisure centre or whatever? Perhaps over the next year or so - you could remain near by if your dc needs/wants you to.

given your long post it sounds that you are already being taken a bit for granted.
and a lot of judgment of the other parents but carefully worded.

Why not let your dc enjoy time at school with friends and see if more equal friendships develop naturally, as I think you’re going to feel more taken for granted as time goes on.

Yes they do offer money, which I felt a bit mean taking at first, because it was my invite, but after a while thought well they don't invite..xx

Yes they do offer money, which I felt a bit mean taking at first, because it was my invite, but after a while thought well they don't invite..xx

Yes i know I sound judgemental and don't like this, but yes also it upsets me when so many parents are simply 'hopeless' . I understand it's due to so many things but fundamentally it takes a bit of oomph to be a more pro active parent, not doing the bare minimum and expecting school to do the rest. Just what I've experienced over many years, an apathy of responsibility. Xx

This goes on in non-specialist schools too. My DC has a long term close friend of 5+ years who has been at our place many, many times over the years and my DC has never once had a reciprocating invite. Never been to theirs. Never been taken out by their mum. It baffles me completely how people can accept hospitality and not return it - I mean the parents, of course.
I carry on with it because the child is nice. What else can you do.

What's nc. Maybe im being silly

It’s the parents unfortunately. My mum didn’t like people over either so I would go to my friends. I was also embarrassed as we didn’t have snacks a drinks. I think it’s great what you are doing.

My eldest is friends with a child who was similar. In the 10 years they have been friends I have never seen inside their house. I feel like there might be an alcohol issue and perhaps some kind of hoarding problem. But anyway; it has irritated me at times when they were younger but ultimately it suits me to keep the friendship going.

So I just do all the organising and doing. This girl is absolutely lovely, i am very attached to her now. So I also hope we are a positive influence in her life, i look out for her like my own.

Not sure if that helps. But I think it’s about deciding whether you are happy to do this: you won’t change their behaviour.

@spstchmu in this context, it’s names changed.
(often it’s “no contact”)

Yes, of course this goes across the whole spectrum, it's just because in specialist schools many parents have their own issues so you tend to see a more concentrated version. Xx

The way I see is that I have the headspace and the means to take an active role in my kids social lives.

Not every parent has this.

They might be in survival mode and do very little recreationally with their kids, they might be embarrassed about their homes or their cars. Whatever the block is, it’s outside of your control. You just need to ask yourself if you are happy to do this and if it works out well for your child. And let any resentment go.

I was the child / teen who couldn't always get lifts and have people back at my house, not because my single parent was useless but because they were a full time carer and I was a young carer (although that term didn't exist at the time) it was just not ideal for friends to come to my house. I am forever grateful and appreciative of friends families who gave me lifts, let me stay over and helped me feel more like a normal teenager. I try to be the driving / hosting parent for my own children and their friends.

TLDR, summarise?

Hi and yes this is what I've accepted to help his friends experience more outside of their homes. The thing is, I'm not without my own health issues and am a much older Mum, 20 years older than them.

A long story, but basically I've pushed through own problems, worked hard, have my own home and car and always done the best for our DC with difficulties. Being pro active and ensuring I took him to therapy sessions, changing my job to accommodate, it was bloody hard!

So yes I do suppose I feel a bit resentful that I'm also picking up their slack for being ineffective parents of several DC. Ideally they should have put more effort into their first children (who DS is the friend with) rather than continuing to have more when they couldn't cope with/provide for these boys.

Sorry to say, but it really has a been a case of parents having difficulties looking after themselves to then have DC who they struggle to look after. Fortunately the specialist school goes above and beyond, not only fantastic education amd keeping them in the school, but filling in forms for assistance/UC/gift bags of food, toiletries and presents at the end of each term. To add, DS didn't receive these because we work and was upset 😢

It's sad and I feel sorry for them, not the kids' fault

Sorry i think you are being unreasonable. These parents sound like they have no expectations of you but you offer to do these things for the sake of your son. If you are resentful then stop, im sure the parents wont mind but it sounds like your son would be the one to suffer.

@Cocktailglass I’m not saying that life is easy for you and hard for them. I’m just saying that there are various different reasons they could be like this - they may not even recognise that this is a valuable thing to do. We all have different priorities and much of this is set by our own childhoods. it doesn’t make them terrible parents who shouldn’t have had other children. That’s a really strong thing to say and I am struggling to understand your depth of emotion about this.

None of them are asking you to do this. You are doing it for the well being of your own DC.

Sorry, while I know I'm feeling a bit resentful, only because I have my had my own issues but have fought hard against them to achieve what I have now.

Indeed the parents have no expectations other than being within their own bubble, so to be able take their DC out of this to experience something different and talk about with to DS is something I love to do.

Couldn't add any more so to post so to continue...

I completely understand people who have difficulties and all help and support should be available but when it is many don't go.

In real life, they get together, have a baby, which of course is the ultimate goal for success, being fawned upon, attention. Once this passes the reality kicks in, can't cope, so let's go through the process again of temporary adulataion of having a baby. The cycle goes on...

Speaking from long term experience as a teacher of 20 years and social worker of 9 years. X

The parents have no expectations of themselves so it's difficult to see their gorgeous DC to follow suit.

All I can do is hopefully show a world outside their homes to aspire to.

You’re sounding increasingly resentful about these other families. The comments about choosing to go through the temporary adulation of having a baby. wanting to be ‘fawned upon’ - it’s not very pleasant.

You have no idea what these other families are going through. They may not even be going through anything just their priorities and lifestyles are very different to the one you have chosen. Good for you that you made changes in your own life for your own dc.

I’be done the same following an abusive childhood. Yes it was hard work but I did it for me and my family and it’s irrelevant what others think of it. It doesn’t make our choices better than theirs, or give us the right to judge others or negatively comment on their situations.

Why is it so important that you seemingly want others to recognise you at somehow ‘better’ parents than they are?
the dc (yours and theirs) may pick up on this. You’re not their ‘saviour’ and I suspect they don’t want your pity or want to be ‘saved’

i think the situation is leading you into unhelpful thought processes. I suggested a possible change of dynamic such as everyone travelling to a more central location?

Perhaps it would be more healthy for you and your son to find friends that align more with your priorities and values. Perhaps via a social group or sport or similar?

I think what you're doing is lovely. Many years ago, I was a 'Jake' and I wish one of my friends' parents had taken the initiative like you have and helped me to see my friends. I had to get two buses to see my friends (it was an unreliable service past a certain time and the bus station attracted some unsavoury people. As a young teen I felt unsafe in that environment). I know it's not really your responsibility and it seems like a lot to take on, but from a young person's point of view, you're giving them a lifeline.

I’ve had this to a lesser extent, being the parent that hosted 90% of play dates at my house. I just focused on doing what was best for my dc, rather than thinking about the other dps.

I wouldn’t be getting into sleepovers though, in those circumstances. I’ve had a blanket ban on sleepovers and several occasions over the years to be grateful I did.