To ask for your help with this wedding plan?

Sheldonslovechild · 2026-04-15T19:04:03+00:00

Sorry, posting here for traffic! So DP and myself are in our 40s. Both been married before but will be getting married next year. We want low key ceremony (just very close family) but then a party a week or so later in a local pub. We don't want people thinking it's a "proper" reception. We just want friends and family there for a party to celebrate with us. We want to keep it a secret until the party but our issue is, how do we get people to attend? I mean what do we put on the invite? Any ideas?

PoppinjayPolly · 15/04/2026 20:05

When next year? What event could you tie it to?

Original poster

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:07

PoppinjayPolly · 15/04/2026 20:05

When next year? What event could you tie it to?

It will be August some time, no birthdays or anything around then.

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HeddaGarbled · 15/04/2026 20:09

We want to keep it a secret until the party

I’d find that a bit irritating. Either fess up or just call it a party. Don’t lie.

Original poster

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:14

HeddaGarbled · 15/04/2026 20:09

We want to keep it a secret until the party

I’d find that a bit irritating. Either fess up or just call it a party. Don’t lie.

The only reason we want to keep it a secret is because we don't want people worrying about gifts or what they should wear or anything thing like that. We just want to celebrate with our family and friends with zero pressure on them.

I do get what you are saying though. It's a fair point.

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Moomum123 · 15/04/2026 20:29

Is it between both your birthdays (you could call it a joint celebration?) Alternatively you could just say you fancied a big party and your house isn't big enough? I think it sounds a lovely idea.

Original poster

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:33

Moomum123 · 15/04/2026 20:29

Is it between both your birthdays (you could call it a joint celebration?) Alternatively you could just say you fancied a big party and your house isn't big enough? I think it sounds a lovely idea.

The original plan was to just have a summer bbq at our house but then we realised that we can't rely on the weather playing ball and def can't fit 50 people inside our house!

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Waftaround · 15/04/2026 20:35

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:14

The only reason we want to keep it a secret is because we don't want people worrying about gifts or what they should wear or anything thing like that. We just want to celebrate with our family and friends with zero pressure on them.

I do get what you are saying though. It's a fair point.

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The issue with this is people won’t necessarily prioritize this party unless they know it’s for a special occasion.

NewNewForest · 15/04/2026 20:35

Call it a Just Because party on the invites.
Put on the invites no presents please, dress code whatever and then leave the rest to chance!

tnorfotkcab · 15/04/2026 20:35

Oh come on. You're both getting married a second time and you're older.

People won't fret about gifts or clothes. Plus you can say in the invitation to just dress for a party and no gifts or cash please.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2026 20:36

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:14

The only reason we want to keep it a secret is because we don't want people worrying about gifts or what they should wear or anything thing like that. We just want to celebrate with our family and friends with zero pressure on them.

I do get what you are saying though. It's a fair point.

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I get your intention here, but there are other ways you can communicate this.

Some people will feel quite stressed to discover that they've come to a wedding and haven't dressed how they'd like to for an occasion! Or be upset they haven't bought a gift.

I'd go with conveying by the venue, casual invites and plain old words that's this is a casual party to celebrate.

Do your guests the honour of assuming that they're grown ups who can read a clear invite and manage their own preparations for it.

Arlanymor · 15/04/2026 20:37

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2026 20:36

I get your intention here, but there are other ways you can communicate this.

Some people will feel quite stressed to discover that they've come to a wedding and haven't dressed how they'd like to for an occasion! Or be upset they haven't bought a gift.

I'd go with conveying by the venue, casual invites and plain old words that's this is a casual party to celebrate.

Do your guests the honour of assuming that they're grown ups who can read a clear invite and manage their own preparations for it.

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Totally agree with all of this.

Trotula · 15/04/2026 20:41

I think there are multiple potential problems with not saying it’s a wedding party.
I have daughters and would want to dress for the occasion. I wouldn’t want to be having a bad hair day or to be under dressed!
What if any of the significant guests have another invite? How can you say without saying but it’s my wedding!
You can say no presents if you don’t want them!
Its lovely for your close family and friends to come together to celebrate your marriage I think you will have to be open!

Original poster

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:47

Thanks for the replies. Really appreciated.

I think we will just have to be open on the invite. There have been good points raised.

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Candleabra · 15/04/2026 20:49

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 15/04/2026 20:36

I get your intention here, but there are other ways you can communicate this.

Some people will feel quite stressed to discover that they've come to a wedding and haven't dressed how they'd like to for an occasion! Or be upset they haven't bought a gift.

I'd go with conveying by the venue, casual invites and plain old words that's this is a casual party to celebrate.

Do your guests the honour of assuming that they're grown ups who can read a clear invite and manage their own preparations for it.

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Completely agree with all of this. Tell everyone it’s a low key wedding, no gifts but please come and celebrate.

mindutopia · 15/04/2026 20:50

Don’t keep it a secret. The whole joy of celebrating with someone is anticipating a special day with them. You also don’t want people to just think it’s a night at the pub. I wouldn’t go to a night at the pub probably. I would go to someone’s 50th or a wedding celebration. It’s just not nice to be surprised with something like this. Let people know so they can celebrate with you properly or if they can’t make it, they can send you something to mark the day. People like to do that, especially if they’re already missing the wedding itself.

BingoWings88 · 15/04/2026 22:18

@Sheldonslovechild I would have the invites saying something along the lines of

Join us for an evening of celebration with our closest family and friends.

We’ve got something special to share and would love for you to be part of it.

[Date / Time / Location]

Come ready to celebrate!

Besidemyselfwithworry · 15/04/2026 22:21

Sheldonslovechild · 15/04/2026 20:47

Thanks for the replies. Really appreciated.

I think we will just have to be open on the invite. There have been good points raised.

Even if you don’t want people to splash out on gifts you could ask them to make a donation to a charity of your choice or say “no presents just your presence”
it would be a shame also to not have any wedding cards perhaps as I’m guessing nice to look back on with messages from people?

a more relaxed party sounds great tho we’ve been together 22 years if we got married we’d absolutely do that!

UserN0tFound · 15/04/2026 22:24

We did this for our wedding - just said we wanted people to celebrate our marriage, didn't want anything but if they did want to gift a bottle of wine was enough...amd that's what they did!!

Senmater · 15/04/2026 22:38

I think just be upfront, but say 'please no gifts' if you want.

The way you worded it, are you planning on hosting your guests? Ie having food and drink available for them.

It's fine to be casual, but not nice to not provide for your guests.

Original poster

Sheldonslovechild · 16/04/2026 04:21

Senmater · 15/04/2026 22:38

I think just be upfront, but say 'please no gifts' if you want.

The way you worded it, are you planning on hosting your guests? Ie having food and drink available for them.

It's fine to be casual, but not nice to not provide for your guests.

Of course. The plan is to have cash behind the bar (think enough on average for 4 drinks per person) then paid bar after that. Lots of big drinkers so couldnt afford a free bar all night.

Will definitely have hot food provided too. Just won't be an official sit down meal.

OP posts:

PollyBell · 16/04/2026 05:02

If you want it low key then no idea why you need to add drama by keeping it a secret

Bikergran · 16/04/2026 10:17

Say it's an engagement party. That will get them there. Say no gifts or cards, please. Then tell them you're already married. Sorted.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2026 10:32

tnorfotkcab · 15/04/2026 20:35

Oh come on. You're both getting married a second time and you're older.

People won't fret about gifts or clothes. Plus you can say in the invitation to just dress for a party and no gifts or cash please.

Edited

Indeed. Really close friends who got married (they were mid 50s and early 60s respectively, rich and spent a shedload on the wedding) said "No gifts please, we have everything we want! But if you're absolutely desperate to spend something, donate something to this charity".

Doseofreality · 16/04/2026 10:35

I’d send an invite with “For a very, very special get together” on it and then put at the bottom “All to be revealed”.

GreenGodiva · 16/04/2026 10:40

My mum and step dad did this. Invited friends and family from all over the country for a belated birthday party. On the day they were a bit upset as 30/40% of people didn’t turn up as it’s just a belated birthday party and those that did were gutted they weren’t privy to the information as they felt they were relegated to the very bottom of the friends and family hierarchy . It would have been much better to have told people before hand they were getting married in a small intimate ceremony and then celebrating later with relaxed informal party in a pub. Casual clothing, dj, gifts not needed. And people will still bring gifts. It’s a social expectation. If they ask, then just do the right thing and either tell them you would appreciate a gift voucher towards X or donations towards X charity. Often people want to buy or donate