When you have no closure after a parent dies

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

I can't afford therapy so hoping some MN wisdom might help me...

How do you process a difficult and hurtful relationship with a parent that was never resolved before they died? How can one move past that hurt and anger?

AIBU to think there must be a way to process it other than stay angry and hurt forever more?

I am sorry for the pain this causes you.

Grieve the relationship you never had. Let go of the expectations that you have grown up with of what certain relationships should be. Sometimes there are no answers.

Spend time caring for yourself. If it helps to talk, maybe a local hospice may have grief programs.

Show yourself the caring and love you expected. Also find outlets to distract you and let you rest from this, slowly build the relationships and life you want and need.

💐

I might try to understand why they were the way they were, where they were coming from and what happened to them to make them that way. I'm not sure if that's recommended, but it might help you find a little closure when you learn more about what caused their behaviour because you it might (might being the operative word)! help you understand better.

Also I would seek out some reading and books on the topic.

I’m sorry for the hurt and pain this parent caused you (and is still causing you). I do not claim to have the answers you need (and I’m definitely not an expert). But I do think that trying to understand them whilst also acknowledging that reasons are not the same as justifications is a good first step...

My mother was in a similar situation and her experience with the local church social worker / pastor was apparently really good (the German word for the woman she saw is “Seelsorger”, which google translates as pastor. But that’s fairly inaccurate imo).
My mother is very critical when it comes to religion btw and this was definitely not faith based counselling… (and she didn’t need to pay for it/it was accessible to everyone in the community.)

is there something similar where you’re at? Simply having someone to talk to can be helpful ime.