Afterschool plans.

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I am at my wits end.. I posted before about my disability and being increasingly fatigued pretty much every single day now.

Every day I have a midday nap, around 1pm just for an hour in hope that it will give me some energy, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.

My 15 year old, despite numerous reminders of the importance of pre-making plans, always messages around 250pm asking to go to a friend’s house after school. This would usually be fine however, due to severe bullying at her previous school which then dribbled into her next school due to being in the same area, she now goes to school completely out of the area. It’s a 30 minute drive. There is no direct buses from that area to our area and would take 2 hours in bus journeys to get home, there’s no direct trains either, and the train would take an hour and a half to get home.

Out of the first 3 school days back from Easter, twice she’s messaged with last minute plans in which I’ve put my foot down and said no. She finishes school at 3pm, so I’m already on my way or there by the time she messages. This obviously causes teenage tantrums but that’s neither here nor there, I can tune it out.

What is the best way to manage this though? Is there a magic way to stop the after school last minute socialising plans? If it was pre-planned I honestly wouldn’t mind and would just have a nap later for the energy boost, you know?

Just tell her firmly that unless you’ve let me know by lunchtime that you’ve made plans I will have already prepared my afternoon around picking you up or have already left.

Say no to last minutes plans and she will get the message.

Well, honestly, I would want to facilitate these important social opportunities especially if she has struggled with friendships in the past.

Why not expect her to want collecting later and she can just go to the library or similar if she doesn't get invited out?

You are presumably saying no because you are picking her up.

can you practice the journey with her either by train or by bus? At 15 she ought to be capable of it and it will also mean you don’t have to pick her up.

A 2 hour bus journey home?

if the train is an hour and a half that’s more reasonable

op may be able to pick up at the change point - that’s what I used to do with my teens as we moved towns when they were in secondary and they went to school by car then train.

This is a good idea. She can either then see friends if there are last minute plans or get on with some homework/studying if not.

But if she doesn’t want to do that then no, she needs to let you know by x time or she doesn’t go. It’s hard because it’s important for her to form and maintain friendships, especially if she’s had issues already, but I wouldn’t be happy about getting most of the way there for nothing.

Keep repeating that if she lets you know by x times then likely yes, otherwise no.

At 15 I’d been doing a similar journey home from school every day for a few years. My school was a walk and a bus journey into the nearest town, followed by a walk across town for my bus home. Probably 90 minutes door to door.

I know times are different now, but perhaps she is ready to be a bit more independent around travelling home, which would mean you don’t have to do an hours trip and she gets to socialise?

I agree with the latest meeting at a different point.
A change point in buses, or at the train station etc. So if plans are made to go with friends, you won't have left yet anyway. Or have set days where this happens.

I appreciate this is hard for you, but she deserves to be able to have a normal teenagerhood. It is highly likely that all these conversations about after school don't happen until the end of the day, it would be hard on her to force them earlier in the day.

“If you want picking up, I need to know by lunchtime or it will be a no.”

If the request comes after lunch, I’d say yes but get the bus home. It’s just a long bus - all it is is boring.

15, time for her to start making her own way home. Even if she does most of it on the train, and you pick her up maybe 5 or 10 minutes away.

YANBU for saying no if you’re on your way to get her already. YABU for not allowing her to make her own way home. 1.5 hours on trains is perfectly acceptable for a 15 year old, especially at this time of year when it’s light.

I do usually, as the school has an arrangement with the sports centre opposite that children from the school have adult free gym/swim sessions between 3-6. So she has a membership there and on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays we already have an agreement that she’s picked up from there (or a friends) at 6pm after either going to the gym, swimming or even just having a smoothie with her friends.

Oh, I’ve encouraged her to get the bus/train.. even suggested practicing last summer. She refuses and says I’m her mum so she expects me to pick her up.

Just say no! You’re in charge, not her!

Well then I’d keep saying no to her last minute plans then.

Are you not able to nap an hour earlier? 12-1 I stead of 1-2?

If shes been terribly bullied in her previous school l would be really keen to try and allow it. As a mum, id hate to stunt her social life so that I can have a nap.

You can't be at her beck and call, what if you were at work?
My 16yo DD is having to get an Uber to and from rehearsals in the next town tonight because I'm working late, it's just how it is.

This sounds like a good arrangement. Can she go to the gym every day after school for a bit and you only set off from home at 3pm, or whenever she contacts you to give you a specific pick up time, so if she's not going to a friend's you're there by around 3.30?
I have had severe ME for many years and have a daughter who's just finished secondary school so have huge sympathy with how difficult it is trying to balance them having a normal life with you being very unwell and trying not to make yourself more unwell.

She refuses and says I’m her mum so she expects me to pick her up.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

At her age, beyond letting you know where she's going and when she expects to be home, she should be making her own arrangements. Just make sure she has the money she needs for bus/train fares and leave her to it.

I'd say that even if you didn't have health issues.

Thank you so much for your input. We have had a conversation this evening and agreed that she will go to the gym every day after school. I’ve said I won’t leave home until 330 to allow her to decide with her friends whether she wants picking up at 6 or sooner. Either way she will go there and grab a smoothie after school.

I think this will just take the pressure off of both of us. My son goes to school much closer to home and finishes at 320 so instead of aiming to pick her up at 3pm and speeding to get him at 320 I’ll just do it the other way round. When she didn’t have many friends, she wanted me to pick her up before him, and I think maybe an honest conversation just needed to happen about switching things round and making it work now she has made friends and wants to socialise more.

Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with ME.. I can only imagine how tough that is. Do you have a good support system around you? I have heart valve disease, and it’s very severe, so each day I’m finding myself struggling more or in new ways.

Sounds like a good plan. I found things got easier the older DD got (not just in terms of her understanding I couldn't do everything due to my illness, but in terms of her own independence and everything else really!) So sorry to hear you have heart valve disease. That's very hard. My mum had heart failure but had surgery which was difficult but helped her hugely. Presume that's not an option for you? Hope you can keep the lines of communication open with your DD and things improve if possible.

I am having surgery to repair the valve in November.. so I just need to potter on til then. I’m only 36, so hoping it will be a very successful and beneficial surgery. Glad to hear it helped your mum too xx

Best of luck with the op. Really hope it goes well and makes a difference x