Hi everyone.
Just wanted to share somethings my DM has done down the years for some perspective. I think I'm done but just want to find out if this is normal behaviour for some.
As a child we weren't allowed to have friends around, we also weren't allowed to go to friends or play outside. She was 'too tired' to take us to the park. There was always a feeling of threat or disapproval that stopped us pushing for more freedom. I just wouldn't have dared.
As teenagers if we were allowed on sleepovers or to see a friend my father would be sent to drive past and we would have to come to the window and wave to prove we were there. I remember being terrified that my friends suggested going half a mile down the road to blockbusters to get a film incase he appeared while we were out. I was 16/17 at that point.
I bought my own phone from money I'd earned but I wasn't allowed to speak for long on the phone, I had to hang up if I laughed too much. Wasn't allowed on the sofa sometimes.
When I went to university locally, I moved out in secret because she chased me up the stairs and pulled my hair out for putting credit on my phone - but eventually reconciled a few months later. I was accused of being on drugs because my flat window was open in November - never touched drugs in my life.
I met someone at this point who seemed like a springboard into a life without them, he has turned out to be a fantasist and ending up being incredibly emotionally and psychologically abusive. Our 17 year marriage ended with his affair.
While separating from him and dealing with his two subsequent suicide attempts and a sectioning, she told me that what I was going through was my fault.
That I should have nipped his behaviour in the bud years ago instead of letting him walk all over me.
She's made comments about my appearance, said I was a state. Yes, my self care has decreased because everything else has been overwhelming over the last year.
She becomes obsessive with seeing my DC. For instance last year she insisted on being in the car when my father offered a lift to the airport (roughly 10 miles) but on motorways. To fit in she wanted me to take the kids' car seats out so she could fit. I said no about a week before we were due to depart, she called and messaged everyday asking me to reconsider, my father offered to drop her at the airport before getting us, none of it was acceptable. In the end he took us but just as we were getting out the car he told me they'd be unable to help with childcare going forward. I ended up in tears as this was the last week of the summer holiday.
She is paranoid and invents things that I've supposedly done, for example my brother has cut her off. She is obsessed with the notion that we speak everyday and coordinate ways to be horrible to her. The reality is I've spoke to my brother once since christmas. She wants to see messages which I've refused because then that just hands her power, but to her my refusal is evidence.
She blanked me for weeks on end, until we're in front of other family members who she doesn't want to look bad in in front of so will suddenly speak as if nothing is wrong.
This is just off the top of my head but she's just turned up at my door again, after not speaking to me for two weeks, full of cheer and then confusion when I declined them to come in. This led to more accusations at my door about my behaviour and attitude. Another thing she likes to do is shout things in the street about how awful I am, she has slammed the front door so many times.
I'm just exhausted. There's nothing comforting or nice about having them around even going through the worst part of my life so far. When I tried to explain how distraught I felt at the time when everything was falling apart she said well how do you think I feel?
She accuses me of trying to be middle class all the time, I've never understood this one. I have a job and always have, I rent, I'll probably never be on the property ladder, I don't have expensive clothes or shoes. I do prioritise experiences for my DC over these things. I am well educated but that's through my own hard work and dedication.
It's not just me, one of the worst things I've heard from her was directed to my brother's wife whose mum had early onset dementia. When she had to be put into a nursing home, the next argument they had with my brother, she started asking DB's wife where her mummy has gone? kept saying it over and over.
To me she will say, what's wrong? what's so hard about your life? Are you going to cry? Typing this out I think the answer is clear. I just don't know why she is like this. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a warm parent relationship.
Even with my father, as a teen we used to talk about her and he'd express how unhappy he was. Obviously that's wrong of him looking back but he did acknowledge her behaviour. Now it's like he's brainwashed, he just blindly believes these things she comes up with. I haven't had a private conversation with him in nearly twenty years because everything gets reported back. If he ever gives me a lift to a garage or something similar then she has to be on the phone in the car.
I guess my AIBU is
IABU - no one is perfect
YANBU - go no contact