Feeling dismissed and deflated over an ex abuser

[Emowoman90]

AIBU to feel deflated over a case of someone else?

For context it's an ex abuser whom I have two teen boys with, I escaped the relationship by the skin of my teeth I had police involved with what he put me through for 2 And a half years and they put it down to "a tiff" nothing was done about it despite me having pictures of bruising, having hundreds of messages, hundreds of letters sent to me and many fake accounts harassing me with threats of hurting me and potentially taking my oldest son and not returning him, which yes he's his son I was so scared because he hurt him at one point. I got help from a solicitor about my case and how I felt dismissed, she told me to cut all contact and if he wants to go down the court route like he was threatening me with she's going to help me. I never heard from him after that he totally disowned his two sons despite me trying to compromise with his parents, they couldn't care either so it's been nearly 13 years.

The other night I found out he's been put behind bars for 2 years for sexual harassment and putting images of said woman's child on a website for pedophiles to look at, this shocked me but the harassment didn't, I feel very dismissed that this could have been done many years ago with myself, I'm very happy for this woman to have spoken out bravely and have gotten justice served I can imagine what he put her through and to use her child like that is very hard fathom it's vile, it changed me for a long while before I found myself again and I really hope she recovers well after this, it caught him in the end but I still feel disappointed that I never got justice for the pain and suffering I endured throughout the awful DV i was in with him.

Needed this off my chest.

Jesus @Emowoman90 you are some amazing woman that sounds absolutely horrendous. You did a fantastic thing for yourself and your children and that was all you could do given how fucked up your ex was as a person.

Times are definitely moving forward in terms of understanding all forms of abuse and the mechanisms by which people rationalise and deny abuse in the wider social context than just the abuser. That doesn’t help you with what you’ve experienced but you will get through this dark period too.

Im sorry the police were so awful towards you.

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel angry and disappointed that you didn't get the justice you deserved after what you went through. You're a bloody warrior to have had the strength to get away from him and bring up your boys!

I'm glad he's behind bars now and this will be on his record forever.

The fact that he is no longer in your children's lives is a massive win. You must feel a great deal of relief that you don't have to deal with him co-parenting.

I hope you can focus on the positive going forward - you should be so proud of yourself for getting away and making a life without him and for keeping yourself and your children safe. You're an amazing woman 💐

@DuskOPorter I'll never forgive the police for dismissing my abuse I have very little faith in them but I'm so glad the woman was listened too, reading the article made me feel deathly sick!.

I guess I'm only thinking of the negatives right now and not the positives, I needed someone to tell me this from the outside, my family had to watch me go through this abuse so they can't help but think negatively about him.

@Endofyear thank you so much 🩷, I needed to see this, I could only think of the negative side of things since finding out but yes this is a moving forward situation I just need this heavy dismissal feeling to go, I just hope the other woman finds peace, going off the article he put her though hell for 18 months!

The sad thing about this is, it took the child’s images being shared before it was deemed enough of a case to bring. I daresay if he hadn’t done that, the woman’s other accusations would have been dismissed just as yours were. Onwards and upwards though, OP. He’s been held to account for at least some of his behaviour and any other woman who is involved with him can at least find out about his past.

@BoredZelda yes my exact thinking! It was said in the article that they had a restraining order on him to stay away and to stop harassing her but he continued, the system for woman who are abused is so broken and it breaks us that has gone through it also, I'm hoping I can just get passed it and be a little more happier that he's in prison alls the whilst other woman he's been with feel the same way.

Can you offer your information to the team that worked on her case? They may be interested.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn I could yes, but I'm not entirely sure it's what I want, I've still got evidence of the threatening letters as a "just in case" scenario. Her case is closed as he's been put behind bars but I'm not sure what my ordeal with him would contribute?, it was 13 years ago

I’m no expert, but I’d expect them to look at your case again and consider whether he could be prosecuted which might increase his jail time.
It could contribute to a Claire’s Law dossier.