AIBU to struggle with resentment towards my child’s father?

[Prinnypeach]

Hello

does anyone else strongly dislike their child’s father and how do you get over this feeling?

we have been split since DC was very very young - under 6 months. Was together a very long time but he left me for someone else.

I can’t stand him - nothing to do with the fact he left me - I’ve tried hard to get along but he speaks to me like shite, makes my life hard, and argues about money all the time.

he threatens to cancel plans if we get into a disagreement and he books holidays over my birthday or any other big events I have planned meaning I miss out.

he acts bipolar - nice one minute and then the next is rude to me, talking down to me, and tries to make my life very hard and miserable so I can’t have anything or move on with anyone.

hes a terrible father - knows nothing about DC, doesnt check in if poorly, doesn’t know where school is or Drs, has never been to a single review or appointment. Does none of the life admin that comes with being a parent nor does he care. All he wants to do is pay the CMS and nothing more.

i know I will have responses saying I’m bitter and jealous and I can confirm I don’t care that he has moved on - what bothers me is that he bares zero responsibility apart from CMS, refuses to help, and refuses to be amicable despite me trying my hardest. He has an underlying issue with me where if I even look at him the wrong way he will kick off. I’m just sick and tired of constantly wondering what I’ve done to upset him and whether I’ll be allowed to go to my plans that weekend in case I’ve p’d him off and he cancels.

he was nothing like this when we were together. I can’t stand him and it sometimes feel that his hatred for me takes over the care, love, and support he should be showing DC who is far too young to understand any of this and thinks he is amazing which is very heartbreaking - not that I would ever be the one to tell her anything but still.

does this ever stop or go away? Or do you just get on with it until they’re 18.

But if he only wants to pay CMS and nothing else, and presumably doesn’t see your child regularly. If at all, why are you in so much contact with him?

He sees her every other weekend now - I am in contact with him as I have to be for things like CMS when it’s not paid, conversations re school, arrangements for DC when I’m not around and whether his parents can help etc.

And when I say sees every other week my understanding is drops DC to his parents and continues with his life.

Don't contact him at all. Just deal with CMS directly. Ask his parents if they want to have a relationship with their grandchild and if so, just communicate with them.
All you have to do is make your child available for contact at set times.If he doesn't turn up it doesn't happen.
Don't bother involving him with school etc. He isn't interested.
You are just going to have to accept that he is never going to help, he will just make your life harder.
I think the expression is " drop your end of the rope".

@endofthelinefinally Yes, probably very wise to just not communicate. I think it’s my own fault for thinking we can be amicable and for trying to make an effort. I only do it as I want to set a healthy example to DC but clearly it only backfires.

But it isn't setting a healthy example. It is showing her that you pander to a selfish, disinterested and disrespectful man.

@endofthelinefinally I know this is extremely true. It’s just hard isn’t it because I feel it’s only fair for him to pull his weight and do more.

You are right but you can't win. In the end it is his loss. It is better if you use your energy to look after yourself and your daughter.

I’d just go minimal contact, can you pre arrange a set time that’s the same every weekend?so everyone knows where they are at? I just wouldn’t involve him in things, if he wants to he will ask.

Follow this mum on Facebook. She posts great things about how to just communicate facts with an ex, how to avoid that conversation chit/chat that ends up in arguments etc. https://www.facebook.com/share/1CfPbWEhmy/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Contact other grandparents directly.
BIFF responses to him.
Grey rock.
Don't engage unless aboutbthe child.
CMS- tell them abd let them sort it.
You can't rely in him to coparent, you need to parallel parent and stop asking him for anything- this gives him power to control the situation.
Sorry you're going through it!

I have learned absolute contempy for my ex. Like yours, he doesn't know anything about ds, has never done a school run or a parents evening, regularly lets ds down, is completely and utterly pointless as a parent.

So I don't communicate with him at all. If he wants to tell me anything he sends me a text or a WhatsApp. If he wants to ask me anything, he can but he never does.

Just ignore him except for the absolute basics. And remember that No is a whole sentence. No qualification is necessary.