AIBU to worry my 21-year-old son is too dependent?

[RubyRoo11]

Ds is 21. He has dyspraxia and i suspect autism although he denies this. His dyspraxia effects him in lots of ways but mainly socially. He is socially awkward, doesn't have any friends.
He was bullied at school and had a really tough time, he finds education and learning difficult. He left school at 18. Didn't want to go to uni so did a 2 year course which he completed but didn't enjoy or want to do as a career.
He has a part time seasonal job, joined a club he goes to once a week and seems happy enough but spends alot of time alone in his room. I don't know how to help him.
Where we live there are no apprenticeships, very few job opportunities and he has no drive or ambition. Im finding the balance of supporting him but not mollycoddling him difficult. I feel like im not pushing him enough but he seems happy.
I want him to be independent but he doesn't do anything for himself.

Could you slowly introduce things he can do in the house he's seen you do?
Start easy. Do you ever ring for a takeaway? Ask him to do it next time?
Or order repeat prescriptions from the chemist maybe.

And what does he like to do in his room? Does he like music or gaming or any particular tv shows or books?

Encourage your son to complete other short certificates in various skilled areas. He might find something that he enjoys.

Responsible Serving of Alcohol, Forklift Driver, horticulture/food growing/dairy hand, computer skills, library filing, truck licence, swim instructor, working with children etc.

Buy him a lawn mower and teach him to mow and trim gardens,
Could he run errands for others and deliver things on an electric bike?
Working as a volunteer with the Postal service or in kitchens or on house building sites could open his eyes to some work.

Working with a charity with land management, tree planting, second hand clothing etc.

Help him keep healthy, eating and cooking his own food, and active, with daily walks etc.

I hadn't considered short courses. That might be a good way to see if he is interested in something.

It's difficult to say what we'd in your shoes as all families are unique but might it be worth setting a deadline, eg you expect him to move out within three years? This gives him plenty of time to work on his life skills (again there are college courses for that) and to find employment.

The reality is he might have to be one of the millions and millions of people who just take whatever work they can get, but three years on top of the attempts you've already made should give him ample opportunity to find something he does like.

What would his life look like for you to be happy?

Do you want him working full time?
Do you want him to move out?
Are you happy for him to be at home but out of his room?

Think about what you want for him and work on that.

Does he join you for dinner every night? Can he take a turn preparing the meal? Do you have conversation about your days?

My DS is almost 20. He's at uni but hardly has to go in. He works part time too and volunteers at a sport club he used to be involved in. He rarely goes out though, McDonald's to meet a friend occasionally but we'll watch TV together a couple of times a week and he eats dinner with us every night. I don't feel the need for DS to move out anytime soon and am happy he's exploring what he wants in his own time.

Can your son drive? I have a son who struggles similarly to your son, he’s very difficult to communicate with, nothing comes naturally. He does delivery driving. It allows him to be employable and demonstrate that he can be employed (he had a couple of other jobs that he really struggled with, one he was fired from after making mistakes).

I’m not sure how best to help my son as he doesn’t tick the boxes for conditions that I have researched. But he is able to save whilst at home, and will help round the house, I’m hoping with support and time he will find his way

What does he do around the house? Get him to cook once a week, do his washing etc.

My son did online excel courses. Best thing they ever did and a skill not taught in schools. Or you can go to centres to learn ((can ‘t remember the name) and it may be funded if you’ve not done uni.

Are there any volunteering opportunities nearby? Helping at a Parkrun? Charity shop? Etc. or encourage him to join a club. Sign him up for golf lessons, for example.

Does he make dinner? You should be encouraging him to do everything you can do, meal planning, shopping for food, comparing products, making meals. Laundry, everything that involves. Cleaning? Housework?

You need to talk to him about his future, that he cannot live at home forever if that is what you want but if you died tomorrow how would he cope? You need to equip him for the world. I know several parents who said my child is off to uni and can't even cook as they never showed any interest. It is a life skill that should be taught, they don't get a choice.

I would also try to watch some films or tv series with him, mine are 23 and 20 (grad and working, one at uni) we have just watched The Detectorists together which they loved. We watch stuff together every day, when they were much younger teens it gave us something to talk about. There are millions of YouTube videos you can watch together too.

I dont want him to move out but I want him to be able to if he wanted to.
He can cook but doesn't, we do watch a few tv shows together and he does get on well with his younger sister.
I think I need to make him do his own laundry, cook for himself etc. He has just passed his driving test. He's doing ok but im just worried about his future prospects with no career and his lack of motivation.

Have a look at King's Trust. They run courses for 16-25 year olds to build life and employability skills. Its free..they even pay travel costs. They run in con junction with FE colleges.