AIBU to cut contact with my mam after she recorded our private phone conversation? ***TW: contains details of abuse***

[sewingqueen]

So I'll try to keep this short as it's a veeeerrrryyyy long story with a lot more shit I could probably write a book 🤦🏼‍♀️
So my dd9 told me her cousin (sisters ds13) had touched her inappropriately and she felt really uncomfortable
My instant reaction was to phone my mam
She was very cold and said I had to tell my sister
Well that was obvious but I needed my mam my whole world has just fell apart!
I phoned my sister and my mam had got to her first and told her what is said

Fast forward 4yrs and a very long appalling police investigation
3 other children that had been interviewed had made the same allegations but it was no further actioned as the other parents didn't want it to go to court

I have just found out my mam had recorded my phone conversation with her and played it to my sister and various other family members
I also found out that although my daughter had no knowledge of sexual behaviour or sex itself my step dad was saying this wasn't true because he's seen her doing tik tok dancing videos
There are a lot of other incidents where she has massively let me down but I don't have the head space to write them all
I'm shocked and my head is a mess
I know they say you only get one mam and you should never fall out with your mam etc etc
I'm totally lost at what to do and need some impartial advice
Help 😔

Does she believe your daughter and cut ties with the boy? If not you need her and everyone else out your life to protect your child.

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. Your daughter only has one Mam as well, please be the kind that protects her from this kind of awful family dynamic.

So they've tried to blame your daughter? I wouldn't want to speak to her after that. Get some counselling though to talk about it as family rifts are really hard to come to terms with.

People who say "you only get one mam" are always the ones with lovely mothers.

@sewingqueen has your mum accepted this has happened to your DD? Either at the time or since others have come forward?

Which conversation in particular did she record - the initial one (which seems odd for her to think of recording it when she’s hearing devastating news for the first time) or a conversation since (which is completely abhorrent)?

Were you happy that she spoke to your DSis before you? It wasn’t your mum’s place to do this btw. You really needed to speak to her directly to put across the facts as they were put to you.

In the past 4 years, have you been part of the family?

As you called your mum, mam, can I assume you’re Irish? My family is Irish, and lately I’ve discovered they take the easy route to avoid conflict (or to not be judged by others) and always manage to justify their sh*t decisions and for them not having a back-bone by saying ‘I’m doing it for xyz’s sake’ rather than doing what’s actually the right and correct thing to do. It’s infuriating (and devastating) because this way of behaving always seems to leave the perpetrators unpunished and the victims punished forever.

Yes you only have one mum, but it should be her that you can count on never to hurt you. Hurt caused by a parent, is a deep pain. Only you can decide if she’s worthy of forgiveness. You don’t have to forgive such pain caused just because she’s your mum. But if you can forgive and move past it, then do so.

I'm not sure I could get past this tbh op. Moreso on your dds behalf. It feels like she knew on some level it was true but chose not to believe it and did head in the sand.

I personally wouldn't be expecting her to cut off a 13 yo over this - rehabilitation at that age is so dependent on a solid network- but she absolutely should have had your dds back and been there for you.

I have been through a bit completely dissimilar situation and my mums reaction and comments about it have destroyed our relationship and I felt extremely let down at a vulnerable time. I think you need to prioritise yourself and your dd and decide how much contact is right for you op. Yes family is really important, but not all family is good family and people can't just say what they want and treat people badly and expect it just to be swept away because they're related.

Do you live near your family? Would this be a conversation you could have with your mam and explain how it's come across and made you feel? I think unfortunately there's still a culture of rug sweeping in Ireland and things of this nature are still not handled well.

I hope the boy in question has been referred to social services and is getting proper special intervention and I hope your dd knows she did the right thing speaking up and that she has good support around her. If you can't find your support in your family then counselling might be a good option. I definitely found it really helpful. I'd also invest more in really good loyal friends... they're the family you choose.

So we have had no contact for 3yrs
I arranged mediation for my mam, 2 dds and me as my dds were really close to their grandma and wanted a relationship
Social services suggested this
They were encouraged by the mediator to write any questions they had etc
My eldest dd14 at the time asked what would happen at Xmas
My mam answered "I don't know, how can I choose? I couldn't possibly choose they're both my daughter's"
She was asked if she believed my DD and she said "I don't know what to believe"

Fast forward a few months and I've moved into a new house alone with 4 children youngest 18mts
No cooker or carpets and 4 weeks before Xmas
My ex and I take turns for Xmas and it was my turn we could parent ok and he even offered to cook our Xmas dinner
Xmas day my mam video called to wish us all merry Xmas
We went to hers after new year and asked what she'd done Xmas day
Yep you guessed it she had my sister, brother and families over all day
I said I was hurt to say the least and she had clearly chosen and I wanted no contact

My dd has just started counselling and said to me she really misses grandma and she wants to just forget everything and see her
So for her I asked for contact
They've had a couple of visits and it was like it all didn't happen
I can't deal with that and need everything out in the open so I visited my mam without DD and said as much
That's when all of this came out
One of the other children is his step sister who was 5yrs at the time
My stepdad thinks her Mam (nephew's step mam) coached her and made her make the allegations following my dds disclosure
I also found out my mam had went to police station for his interview and told me his solicitor came out and said "this is going nowhere"
He answered no comment to every question!

I don't understand how 4 children can make similar allegations and they not think there's truth in it???

My mam recommended all her phone calls as she was paranoid and enjoyed calling people out on things they said
She is a narcissist and hasn't really been a mother to me I've always been very independent and she hates that!

I'm from the North East but what you described is her to a t
Everything gets swept under the carpet

Your step-dad sounds dodgy. He's abnormally keen on sexualising little girls and accusing them of lying about being molested 😢

I'm really sorry that all this crap is going on around you. It's so hard to navigate, and I agree that a counsellor might be the best person to help you sort out your thoughts & feelings.

Also agree with this above: I hope your dd knows she did the right thing speaking up and that she has good support around her. I'm unconvinced that being around your parents is good for your children, or even safe. It may be hard to explain, of course, and counselling could be helpful with this too.

Never speak to any of them again. They’re all toxic people, the step man sounds like an absolute creep.
They don’t deserve you in their life.

Right at the start I told my dad I was so proud of her for telling me and it was absolutely the right thing to do etc
Then when everything went south my DD told me she wished she hadn't told me
I sat her down and was very clear that she absolutely did the right thing and I will always have her back!
He did wrong and it would have carried on and possibly led to worse
I also told her that by speaking up she saved the other 3 children and she should be proud of herself!

I'm definitely going to look into counselling as she waited 2 years to be seen by cahms and has been seeing them fortnightly for 2 years and they are worse than useless
She's just had a psychiatric assessment and has been prescribed anti depressants
I have taken her out of school and home educate her as she wasn't coping
She absolutely comes first and I only want to do right by her

I even complained as the police investigation was flawed on so many levels
I had the chief of Durham police in my living room who promised me all sorts
An order to keep an eye on him and something else around sexualised behaviour to then get a phone call 6 weeks later from the di on the case who said none of that was possible as he was under 18
I complained to social services as he was removed from the family home and placed with my mam (she said he's her grandson and would always help her grandchildren)
He was then sent home on weekends so he could play out with his friends 🤦🏼‍♀️
Social services did nothing
They had a little chat about sexualised behaviour and that's it

I've always been the black sheep as there was always a drama so kept my distance but wanted a relationship with my mam

My sister's partner (not nephew's dad) was laughing telling my partner nephew would watch them have sex over his door (he was on top bunk) and say "get of my mam I know what you're doing"
He thought it was hilarious and said they had to go finish off in the bathroom 😳
There was an incident at my house when nephew was 3 and he was telling my eldest dd4 about sex and how you lie down on the floor and he's given her a massage and then they'd "do sex"
I told my sister and she said I was being dramatic
I always watched my dds from then on but at the time of the incident all of the cousins were upstairs together (it was my ds 1st birthday)
So I thought it was ok
But nephew has took DD into her room and no one has noticed 😞

And this “protection” of this boy and their family’s reputation is exactly how predators are made. I think you need to stop contact with your mum and explain to DD that your mum has been protecting the boy at her expense.

Heartbreaking. So sorry @sewingqueen that your DD suffered like this.

Your mum isn’t correct in saying ‘she’ll always look after her grandchildren’. She hasn’t looked after your DD. She’ll regret her choice one-day, when he continues doing the unthinkable and ends up in prison.

You’re right to go NC with your mum. Although I understand why you’re questioning it as the grief of not having your mum in your life is somewhat unbearable sometimes. But, in your situation, you’ve really have been left with no choice.

@sewingqueen your DM has punished the victims (you and DD excluded from her love) whilst the perpetrator goes unpunished.

There really is no justice in the world!