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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my sister is controlling?

40 replies

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 22:39

My sister's partner is divorced. He has a 13 year old son who lives one week with them, the next one with his mom and her second husband and half brother. My sister calls herself the boy's stepmom though they're not married, they bought the house in joint names about 4 years ago.

The partner's Mom gives her grandson £40 a month pocket money. My sister makes him hand it to her and makes him earn it by doing household tasks. I've told her she's controlling (she is in other ways too always has been) when she told me this at Easter. She said he needs to learn the value of money which I don't disagree with nor do I disagree with him doing things around the house especially with the useless men I read about on mumsnet.

I said that the money wasn't hers to dictate what happens to it though and she called me a bossy bitch which I thought pot kettle black. (She leaves her other half lists of jobs and there's an argument if he's not ticked them off). He is a doctor and works weird hours. He cooks, cleans, does DIY and isn't useless or lazy.

She's started argument after argument in front of me and other family members for "Bill not doing his jobs" and says I'm sticking my nose in because she didn't like my answer. Now she's sulking with me.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:41

You're telling her how to run her family unit and yet she is the controlling one?

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 22:43

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:41

You're telling her how to run her family unit and yet she is the controlling one?

No. She asked me what I thought about taking the kid's pocket money that his grandma had given him and making him work for it. (I think my face gave me away when she mentioned it in passing). I told her it wasn't hers to make a decision about.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:44

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 22:43

No. She asked me what I thought about taking the kid's pocket money that his grandma had given him and making him work for it. (I think my face gave me away when she mentioned it in passing). I told her it wasn't hers to make a decision about.

Edited

Oh, thought you might have mentioned that in your first post.

Figcherry · 14/04/2026 22:51

Your sister’s dp needs to step up and protect his ds.
Your sister sounds like a nasty person if your description is accurate.
I would ring the grandma and tell her what’s happening to the dc’s pocket money.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 14/04/2026 22:53

It seems like you guys have a problem with boundaries. It's like you're so used to other people being intrusive, that you invite it inappropriately when it isn't happening.

That's what your sister did. Nobody was saying anything about what was going on in her home (because they don't know) so she invited your input, knowing you will definitely appease her request. You'll not only offer a perspective, you'll critique her character.

She wanted it, you gave it.

Overall, I think it's up to dad to decide how he wants things to go with his son in his home.

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 22:54

Figcherry · 14/04/2026 22:51

Your sister’s dp needs to step up and protect his ds.
Your sister sounds like a nasty person if your description is accurate.
I would ring the grandma and tell her what’s happening to the dc’s pocket money.

I don't think it's my place to do that, it's her partner's. I've tried in the past to say things like "Jenny, have your disagreements in private" but she's flounced.

OP posts:
ExcitingRicotta · 14/04/2026 22:55

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:41

You're telling her how to run her family unit and yet she is the controlling one?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@WhenTheDustSettles your post seems mainly about complaining about your sister, rather than any concern for her stepson…

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 22:59

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:41

You're telling her how to run her family unit and yet she is the controlling one?

She's taking her partner's son's money and stcking conditions on it and you think she's out of order?

OP I suggest you post this in Stepparenting for a different response .

sesquipedalian · 14/04/2026 23:00

If I were the Grandma giving my DGC pocket money, and my son’s partner who is not even his mother took it away and made him “earn” it, I’d be incensed - I’d probably set up a bank account in his name to keep her out of it. If she wants her partner’s son to do chores to earn money, she should offer it and pay up herself. He doesn’t get to lose his grandmother’s money so that your DSis doesn’t have to put her hand in her pocket. Frankly, she sounds awful. The list of jobs for her partner reminds me of my own DSis and her ex-husband - note the ex.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 23:01

The Dad should not be allowing this. Does he even know?

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 23:02

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 22:59

She's taking her partner's son's money and stcking conditions on it and you think she's out of order?

OP I suggest you post this in Stepparenting for a different response .

Did I say that? Or did I ask a question to try and get to the bottom of it because of a lack of information? I don't take anything on here at face value as it's so one-sided - we only know what the poster is saying. And there's usually a drip feed. I'm a bit more careful before I commit my opinion - which I haven't done yet. Maybe she is terrible, or maybe we are hearing one side that requires far more questioning because she seems to actively hate her sister. You jump too fast - and at me as well.

DontReplyAll · 14/04/2026 23:04

If I was the Grandma, I’d be very upset about this.

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 23:09

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 23:01

The Dad should not be allowing this. Does he even know?

I'm not sure tbh and I certainly don't want to ask. My sister is always right about everything. I've known that since I was 3 years old ...

OP posts:
fortysumfing · 14/04/2026 23:12

WhenTheDustSettles · 14/04/2026 22:43

No. She asked me what I thought about taking the kid's pocket money that his grandma had given him and making him work for it. (I think my face gave me away when she mentioned it in passing). I told her it wasn't hers to make a decision about.

Edited

I totally agree with you.

Also she is humiliating her DP in front of others about ‘jobs he hasn’t done’. He’s a doctor, so he’s not stupid and eventually won’t be put-up with her. If his son starts complaining to him about her too, it will speed up the process of him leaving her.

When she stops sulking, simply say to her ‘he’ll leave you if you carry on’. That may just be enough for her to reflect and change her ways.

BauhausOfEliott · 14/04/2026 23:25

Your sister sounds vile and it is absolutely not her place to take money that was given to her partner’s child and make him ‘earn’ it. It’s not her money and it’s not her child. If I were either the grandparent or the child’s real mother, I would be absolutely furious about this.

WhenTheDustSettles · 15/04/2026 11:47

ExcitingRicotta · 14/04/2026 22:55

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@WhenTheDustSettles your post seems mainly about complaining about your sister, rather than any concern for her stepson…

You think so?

OP posts:
Silverofthemoon · 15/04/2026 11:57

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 22:44

Oh, thought you might have mentioned that in your first post.

She did?

cocog · 15/04/2026 11:57

If she gave the money from her or dad it would be ok, it’s not her child and it’s not her money. Money given to any child is not for someone else to take and make them earn it.
His dad should be stepping in and making sure that the money is given to the child without any other conditions. Sounds abusively controlling.

Silverofthemoon · 15/04/2026 11:58

DontReplyAll · 14/04/2026 23:04

If I was the Grandma, I’d be very upset about this.

I would too.

KarmenPQZ · 15/04/2026 12:00

What happens to the money if he doesn’t earn it. Does your sister pockey it? If so she’s essentially his pimp

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/04/2026 12:05

YANBU. I’m shocked to hear about how she makes her DSS earn his grandma’s money. She really has no right IMHO to be intervening in that way.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/04/2026 12:21

I think parents have the final say about everything to do with their children. If MIL disagrees with the child having to earn the money she gives him, she could keep it for him to spend or save when he is with her. Although even that would be a grey area.

In response to the posts you’ve had saying you are being controlling to comment on how your sister manages her family: I think it’s difficult sometimes to transition from being close children who were happily very much all into each other’s business to caring but detached adults and respect boundaries that we need as adults. For some siblings that comes naturally. Others have to keep reminding themselves. When they forget it can be controlling and bad , but it doesn’t come from a bad place so is excusable.

WhenTheDustSettles · 15/04/2026 12:58

Lurkingandlearning · 15/04/2026 12:21

I think parents have the final say about everything to do with their children. If MIL disagrees with the child having to earn the money she gives him, she could keep it for him to spend or save when he is with her. Although even that would be a grey area.

In response to the posts you’ve had saying you are being controlling to comment on how your sister manages her family: I think it’s difficult sometimes to transition from being close children who were happily very much all into each other’s business to caring but detached adults and respect boundaries that we need as adults. For some siblings that comes naturally. Others have to keep reminding themselves. When they forget it can be controlling and bad , but it doesn’t come from a bad place so is excusable.

I only commented on this because she mentioned it, and I pulled a face without realising it and it made her ask me what I thought so I told her I thought it was not her money to take from him. I've also commented when she's had a go at her partner which happens often at family get togethers and in front of the child, which isn't on in my book.

OP posts:
GlovedhandsCecilia · 15/04/2026 12:59

WhenTheDustSettles · 15/04/2026 12:58

I only commented on this because she mentioned it, and I pulled a face without realising it and it made her ask me what I thought so I told her I thought it was not her money to take from him. I've also commented when she's had a go at her partner which happens often at family get togethers and in front of the child, which isn't on in my book.

What do you think she would have said if you said it isnt anyone else's business and if dad is okay with it, it's fine?

WhenTheDustSettles · 15/04/2026 13:00

GlovedhandsCecilia · 15/04/2026 12:59

What do you think she would have said if you said it isnt anyone else's business and if dad is okay with it, it's fine?

She'd have probably patted herself on the back (metaphorically speaking).

OP posts:
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