AIBU to end things after repeated burnout and refusing to seek help?

[Vauxhall21]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. She has been burnt out the last few weeks which has made her irritable, snappy and emotional over pretty much everything. I have been walking on eggshells pretty much constantly.

We haven’t been getting on very well recently because of it. We had a long talk yesterday during the day and sorted everything out, had a really nice day and then come the evening, she was back to being irritable/snappy/emotional again. I just lost it, gave up and essentially kicked her out. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

Now here is the backstory;

She has a history of consistently not taking accountability for her issues, especially ones that affect other people around her. For example, she had sleeping issues that went on for months and months, which then impacted my sleep massively and my quality of life. I asked her to get help for it again and again, and it wasn’t until I issued an ultimatum (get help or stop staying over) that she finally did. Again, she had a period of time where she had really low moods, and it affected every aspect of her life and our relationship, it took an ultimatum (get help or we can’t be together because it’s not working) for her to start taking medication. She mentioned she was running out of medication a few weeks ago, she hasn’t booked a doctors appointment to get anymore and yet somehow is still taking them - I think she is lying to me, has come off her medication and that’s why her mood has changed so drastically - it lines up timing wise.

I have just come to the conclusion that I can’t help someone who never wants to help themselves.

WIBU to kick her out and tell her I was done or AIBU unsympathetic and hasty?

Edited to add - I know that everyone gets burnt out at times, I know I do for sure. The difference is that I know what helps me, and I sort it out pronto and don’t leave it festering for weeks on end whilst making everyone else’s life shit because of it.

I would feel your frustration that she refuses to get help for her issues. However I’m a fixer, DH will always joke when I say get a cold “that’ll be a 20quid Amazon spend”! I hate to feel helpless and naturally feel better by researching and trying solutions.

I am exactly the same, I have tried doing it for her too but she takes no notice!

She has been burned out "for a few weeks", yet you have kicked her out already. Do you even know why she is burned out? Or couldn't sleep previously? It seems to be all about how she is inconveniencing you, but what care or insight do you have into her problems?

No YANBU. If she had a home of her own to go she can spend her time there.

Yes I do. She is burnt out because of work. I have told her to talk to them MULTIPLE times, because they are very understanding and will very likely give her some time off to recharge. She hasn’t spoken to them, buries her head in the sand and then takes it out on me. I have been in a DV relationship previously and I’m finding the constant walking on egg shells (because she doesn’t want to ever help herself) very triggering. This isn’t a one off event, this is a pattern with her.

If you read the whole post it sounds like OP’s partner has been like this for most of their relationship and this is the final straw.

As much as you love someone and care for them it can be super frustrating to be with someone with mental health issues especially when they take no accountability or want to help themselves.

Partner had severe sleeping issues that affected OP and she didn’t get any help at all to fix it - despite OP trying to ask her to get help.

I don’t think OP has done anything wrong here and I would consider leaving otherwise OP May end up stuck for years with someone who repeatedly is mentally unwell and will not help themselves.

If you really want to be with your partner then I would consider a proper chat with her again, tell her you’re considering ending the relationship because of these issues and that you love her but can’t go through this. You can suggest couples counselling, attending appointments with her or supporting her in any ways she needs so she doesn’t feel alone but insist the relationship can only survive if she takes accountability.

mental health is hard, I have awful OCD but I’ve always got therapy or reached out for help with it’s got bad. I wouldn’t and couldn’t put all of my issues onto DH and would feel guilty knowing how much it would stress him. Of course it affects him at times and he is very supportive but the difference is I get help, your partner doesn’t

Its ok to look after yourself as well. You dont always have to put someone else first. Have you heard the "drop the rope" ?

Basically youre not responsible for fixing their problems, you dont have to save them, you also dont have to bear the brunt of their anger, aggression, nastiness etc.

But you need to accept that you cannot control or change other, you can only control your reaction to them.

Stop with the ultimatums (take meds or you dont stay here) they are coercive and controlling; instead you put in place a boundary for what you will tolerate and you stick to it;
Boundary - I won't have you staying here if you're not taking your meds. The ultimatum is coercive and controlling; the boundary isn't - they know the ramifications of NOT taking their meds and its their decision.

I see your position and it’s not unreasonable. Some people need a bit of help to look after themselves. Maybe they were brought up to believe that nothing was enough, or that self care is weak, that powering through is the virtuous thing to do.

No one ever looked after me. Other people were always more important. I find it hard to look after myself now, but respond really well to a bit of TLC. Someone saying, ‘I’ll get you a coffee, you book that GP appointment.’, really helps me. I can look after other people- and am very nurturing. I need a bit of support to look after me. I need someone to remind me I’m worth looking after.
If you just remind her/tell her what to do/get cross that she hasn’t already done it, then it feels like she’s a burden so she’s even less likely to look after herself.

Of course that may not be the situation at all. But it is for many people. We need someone to show us we are worth caring for.