Birthday Blues

[puddleduck33]

Just had a big birthday. I don't like a fuss but I feel completely overlooked. Went away with DP to visit close family member which one of the days was the birthday. I booked and paid for the transport and accommodation . The trip was all about the visit not my birthday. Now we are home and nothing more, even from extended family. Feeling very unappreciated. I have never liked birthdays but feel this is taking the p*ss especially as it ends with a 0.
AIBU to feel this way, as I didn't want a fuss in the first place??

So no gifts? No cards? No meal out? Nothing???

It depends, have you made a big deal of not wanting any fuss in the past so now people are just respecting your wishes?

It depends how much of thing you make of not wanting a fuss.

I know someone people who say they don't want a fuss, and then complain when they don't get a fuss.

Yes, there's quite a gulf between "fuss" and "acknowledgement". You didn't need the red carpet princess treatment, but that's not to say you deserve nothing at all.

It depends your expectations in past years, I don't think you can say you don't like a fuss then complain you didn't get a fuss your family are not mind readers, did you get cards and "happy birthdays " or did they ignore it completely?

I got a Fitbit from DH, not something I need or wanted. Had a meal out on the day but that would happen anyway as we were visiting. Got flowers and little presents from friends, which I thought was thoughtful.
It didn't help being away from my daughter who would have made it special.

Who was the family member? On your side of the family? How did they mark your birthday?

Otherwise happy and loving marriage and this was unusual behaviour from him on a birthday?

A FitBit is a classic well-meaning-but-not-very-thoughtful gift - it's expensive, so the giver feels they're being generous, but it doesn't take YOU into consideration at all.

I'd always rather have a cheap gift that was chosen with love and thought than an expensive one that's totally not me.

If you wanted to celebrate your O birthday you honestly should have said something.

Didn't your daughter give you a gift or send you a special something?

But why did you book a trip away to visit a family member for dates that included your birthday?

I think being away visiting didn't help. The focus was the visit and not the birthday. My DD went back to uni before we got home, but did get some flowers. I am fuming inside with my DP but feel I can't say anything as 'i didn't want a fuss ' and don't want to be ungrateful

I think he maybe really didn't know what to do so went safe, what would you have liked to have happened? .

It was the only time we could go because of work and other commitments

You organised the visit though, i know you would have liked something special from your husband but you booked to visit family over your birthday, he got you a gift that you don't really like and you had a meal out that you don't think was good enough, maybe organise something yourself, say you probably should have done something different for your birthday as it was a momentous one and do that,

I think you’ve muddied the waters a bit by explicitly saying you didn’t want a fuss and arranging this visit over your birthday. You can’t blame your DP for taking what you said at face value.

You said you didn't want a fuss. And you got no fuss. Imagine what you would've got if you'd said "it's my big birthday, and I really want to be made a fuss of"...

Don't ask, don't get.

YABU because you're not being honest. You did want a fuss and you expected everyone to know that. You are now disappointed because they didn't know.

I get it. They're not mind readers but you have probably told them you don't care about your birthday, in the past, so you've trained them to do whatever they did.

Getting a gift you didn't want, doesn't equate to not getting anything and having a meal out, that happened to land alongside a visit, isn't the same as not having one and all the other things you mentioned.

Since you're disappointed, why don't you treat yourself?

I'm sure everyone that you know would be sad that you felt this way but, with kindness, I think you did it to yourself!

Gifts from multiple people, and meal out and flowers is a fuss though?

I don't normally like a fuss and tell people that. So I don't get a fuss.

When I was 60 it felt like a really special thing to me so I said to all the people I love that I wanted to make a big thing of it. They went to town - cakes, parties, trips away, shows.....I0 loved it.

If I'd said nothing it would have been the usual low fuss affair.

I'm 62 this year and am happily back to no fuss.

Tell people!

What would not wanting a fuss look like to you?

If my partner said they didn’t want a fuss, I’d get a small gift and maybe go out for a meal, which is what happened. You got gifts from friends so they acknowledged it but didn’t make a fuss which is what you said you wanted.

You need to be clear and also mean what you say in future.

@PottingBench that sounds lovely, Dh really doesn't like his birthday it is a no fuss day but we were 50 in the same year and he wanted to do a joint thing which we did and it was great, he is also back to no fuss birthdays.