to wonder why some women can be funny around other women who’ve just split up, especially when it comes to their husbands?

[HazelMember]

I’ve noticed this a few times now. A woman becomes newly separated or single and there’s a bit of a shift. Some women go a bit cooler or more guarded, like she’s now someone to be wary of around their DH. It’s not always obvious but it’s there in the background.

But you don’t really see the same thing with men who’ve just split up. No one seems to be keeping an eye on them in the same way or acting like they’re a risk. If anything they just carry on as normal or get a bit of sympathy.

It feels like a double standard. Why is the single woman seen as the potential problem rather than the married man being expected to behave himself? Why does her relationship status suddenly change how some women treat her?

I am not saying this happens to every newly single woman.

It's not just women who have split up with their partner who experience this. I experienced it with people when I was unexpectedly widowed

And it was not just women who reacted to me differently:it was men as well as women who seemed to have the expectation I would be automatically on the look out for a new partner. I found it really upsetting. I was reeling from.the loss of my DH and the last thing on my mind was a new relationship.
And I expect a lot of women coming out of unhappy or abusive relationships feel the same.

I have never experienced that. Maybe think what company you keep. All my female friends were extremely supportive and none were locking their husbands in a closet.

You must have quite a wide social bitchy social circle to have experienced this multiple times.

No. Many women experience this. Look at the first response to this thread.

I’ve only ever seen it “happen” when people talk about it on MN, but yes, it is bonkers. When my friend split up with her bf and I was away with work for a few weeks I encouraged her and my partner to hang out and keep each other company!

Insecurity.

That's what it comes down to unfortunately

Yes, I very much experienced it when I was widowed. A mixture, I think, of not fitting into a comfortable box any more, to being some sort of perceived threat, and also a rude awakening about how life can turn, people not wanting to be reminded that it could happen to them.

TBH some of the women were right to be wary. It's amazing how many "happily" married men were inappropriate with me at my most vulnerable. Obviously that wasn't my fault, and I rebuffed them all but they weren't wrong to think their husbands would if they could. (And I'm nothing special).

The opposite seems to happen for men. Everyone wants to look after them.

I definitely echo this. Not in terms of my close friends but got the distinct impression with two of my mum friends that this was a factor when I got divorced. Not all of them and I'm not flattering myself that I'm some massive catch but it was a definite gut feeling as they started edging me out of social gatherings. I've heard others say similar too.

As to your question why OP, it could be many reasons... insecurity in relationships, perception that the separated person will be on the prowl... I'm sure it happens with some men too.

Yes, I only ever see this referenced on here. I invite my newly single male and female friends to things just as I did when they weren’t single, and so does everyone I know.

So sorry other posters have had this experience. I was lucky enough that I didnt have a lot of it, but I was chatting about it with another friend and she theorised that one of the reasons is probably because when you are in a relationship, especially an unhappy one, the idea of breaking up and splitting your lives seems so HUGE that its almost a comfort to use it as a justification for staying, and seeing people actually doing it and are alive and generally go on to be happier, shakes that reality. And a lot of women have a 'glow up' which unfortunately if you already have a partner with a wandering eye... basically, people who arent in good situations themselves dont like being faced with it.

Snap.

That is lovely for you but many women are having a different experience as many have mentioned.

I had this when newly divorced. In fact a guy who was kind and helped me when I moved in - I was unloading boxes and he stopped and helped me lift something heavy and then explained he lived a few doors down and about two hours later his knocked the door and said ‘ I’m Louise. I live at 38’ lovely I said nice to meet you and then she said ‘I’m Adam’s wife. I hope you aren going to be asking him to do stuff’ I was like Woah there Louise I didn’t ask for him and she was off with me for the entire time I lived there. I think Adam and her had problems as they did get divorced.

It’s interesting to wonder whether newly split up men find they get treated as a threat by their married male friends, in the same way. I guess as women we’d be less likely to have a sense of this. Any male mumsnetters want to weigh in?

I don’t know the statistics - are married men more likely than women to be the origins of the split, and are they more likely to have a new partner lined up? It feels like that’s the stereotype, even if it’s not the truth - middle aged man gets bored and moves on with younger woman. So maybe men are benefitting from this stereotype in terms of their relationship with their married friends? They’re not seen as a threat because it’s assumed they’ll want someone single and younger, not one of their married female friends? Whereas women are assumed to crave stability, marriage and a man their own age (even if in reality this is far from the truth) so of course if they’re newly single they MUST be after their friends’ husbands, because OBVIOUSLY a woman couldn’t bear to be single for a single minute.

You'll find there's no man as single as a 'happily' married one, so it's not quite a you problem at all.

Now you're single you will come to see that so many husbands are either sexually incontinent or feel compelled to rescue anyone they deem a damsel in distress. Many of their wives know their husbands lack boundaries, so they have to protect them from women. There are also those that are just insecure, so again, must guard their husbands from temptation.

Hopefully you have a few sane/secure friends who will remain close and support you through your breakup 💐.

Yes, they said it was also men who reacted that way.

Yes and there are more who have said women react that way.

As a long term single woman I’ve experienced it a few times - not from close friends but acquaintances, friends of friends etc.

I think it splits into two - the first from women who are either incredibly insecure or whose husbands have been unfaithful in the past and they haven’t kicked them out, and the second from women who only do things with other couples and who see you as an untidy loose end that they don’t know what to do with. One former friend felt I was a good enough friend to be her bridesmaid but never once asked me to dinner with her other couple friends, which was pretty hurtful.

And also plenty who have said it hasn’t. I still think it’s weird you’ve personally witnessed this several times with women, and also several times with men where it’s not happened. Says more about the company you keep.

Poll currently says 81% YANBU.

Why do you think it so weird when there is so much agreement?

81% of voters need to keep better company, ok then 🙄

Why so defensive about one persons opinion? You asked for opinions, I’ve provided mine. If you don’t like it that’s your problem.

I am not defensive 😂

Just backing up what I say with the figures rather than coming out with nonsense.

sorry has this happened to you or something op - or is happening to you?

I've heard of it through friends of friends, but never experienced or witnessed it directly

Probably insecurity, and not all that unfounded it seems.

When my sister lost her DH, she said it was horrifying how many married men she knew suddenly wanted to 'support' her by offering to come late at night. Like she would for some bizarre reason be gagging for balding Terry just because she lost the love of her life.