To judge parents who allow their kids unlimited and unchecked internet access

[Chocaholick]

So many threads where parents allow their teen (usually boy) to shut himself away on screens looking at God knows what for years, before realising they’ve now been radicalised by misogynistic/racist/far right/violent content and now want CAMHS to pick up the pieces. And many more cases where they’ve dimply become ‘too anxious to work/leave the house/go to school’ as by this point their social skills and routine have completely broken down.

I just feel so exasperated by the whole topic and this failure of parents to connect the fact they’ve allowed this to happen with the end result. I’m also talking about people I know in real life (many of them sadly), and cases like Axel Rudakibana.

Would like to know why IABU!

I think that blaming the parents (and, being realistic, I suspect you mainly mean the mother) is too simplistic an explanation. I think most parents are doing the best they can with the resources they have, so even if the issue is poor parenting choices, we need to look at why they are happening. Do parents work long hours with poor housing or finances that impact the opportunities they can offer their dc? I simply don't believe many parents simply choose to be neglectful.

For full disclosure, I don't limit my dc's screen time and I never have. They had phones while they were still in primary school, which I know a lot of people disagree with. But, they also have busy social lives, are engaged in hobbies they are passionate about, and still choose to spend time with me and their df and tell us about their lives. I don't feel their phone use is problematic in the way you're describing.

So, to me, there has to be an explanation that goes beyond "too much screen time causes radicalisation and poor mental health". I feel like dc who are already struggling with their identity and self-worth are the ones likely to be vulnerable to those things, and that is probably an issue that starts younger.

My brother is mid twenties and still like this. Despite being very socialable and friendly as a younger child up to about 12. Adolescence hits hard. And then he went away to uni and apparently fell into a bit of a black hole that he's struggling to get out off. Unfortunately once they're in that place piling on more pressure only leads to anger, despair, suicide attempts (or potentially worse in cases where young men lash out at others and become violent towards classmates, parents or young girls like Axel) and them feeling worse about themselves so it's really difficult for anyone to do anything much. They have to want to try for themselves.

Some people are also just hugely introverted (and /or autistic) and find being around other people really difficult in general. It's very difficult to understand if you've not been around someone who struggles with their mental health.

I think encouraging young people to have hobbies, volunteer roles, or anything that takes them outside of themselves a little bit, and shows they are valied and accepted as they are and don't have to become extroverts to be successful really helps to develop that confidence but it's hard if they refuse to join any groups. Don't judge what you don't understand.

I agree with you, having been this type parent.

2DDs (11 and 13), very active in their sports training upwards of 20 hours a week, doing well at school, lovely happy girls.
My girls never had phones until the year of high school, no social media apart from tiktok, so yeah i thought i was very on top of it and very in control.

It hit us like a tidal wave, self harming, watching negative posts, suicidal posts, self hate posts all within a very quick span of around 6 months.

One minute they were watching tiktok dancing videos and the next their feed was shocking content that quietly but skillfully lulled them into a darkness.

We had to act very very quickly and after alot of restrictions and keyword bans and screen time limits we realised it wasnt cutting it and had to delete tiktok all together, allow 1 hour screen time a day and the rest just for calls and messages.

I cant really begin to explain the impact it had on us and i think this must happen to many parents, I dont judge, but i feel dismayed and sad when there is a lack of action from the parents when they are made aware.

I think its so hard to 'manage' because teens by nature are quite reluctant to share information and will find a way to do things secretly if you're putting in really tough restrictions (even if they're good for them)

My DD has a mobile phone and is allowed WhatsApp as social media only for now because I don't feel as though she would manage the other sites and it would impact her mental health. We have had in depth talks as to the reasons why and for now, she is saying 'fine' but she is only year 7... I know I have a very uphill battle ahead of me.

I do think social media ruins children and causes crazy mental health issues which parents are not equipped to deal with properly.

Agreewith this👆