AIBU in how I handle conflict

[CerealNameSwapper]

I have realised that when I am not happy with a situation, rather than have a confrontation, I back off gradually to the point where there is hardly any relationship left. Reflecting on this, I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing? I seem to do it a lot.

For example, I’ve known my in-laws for 30 years and from the get go they’ve been horrible to me. My SIL has sh!t stirred quite a bit. About 5 years ago after an incident I decided I’d just drop the rope and I backed off and stopped inviting, buying presents etc. and as a result we hardly see them. I know this is also a DH problem I’ve got. Now my SIL and MIL are left wondering what they’ve done. FYI I have confronted them in the past and got nowhere so that didn’t work. So, I backed away and now there’s very little relationship.

Another example is I was in a hobby group for 2 years. I ended up being a 3rd wheel to some friends I made, and I experienced some serious rudeness from the organisers, so again I dropped the rope and backed off, just not bothering to go and not giving an explanation. The friends I was a 3rd wheel to seem to be upset with me and where offhand when I saw them recently.

I’m wondering if it’s my lack of explanation of what I’m doing, or why I’m exiting that causes the problem.

These are just a few examples. I’m just wondering if this is actually the best way to handle things.

AIBU perfectly normal behaviour
YABU there’s better ways to deal with it

If the reduced contact with your in laws was following an incident, there's a good chance they do know why contact has reduced. Have they asked your DH or you why you hardly see them?

Stopping going to the hobby group is different - lots of people probably come and go and there's no reason why anyone would be upset that you stopped going. You don't owe anyone an explanation there. Did either friend get in touch with you after you left? If no, they were probably just transient friends/acquaintances.

Hobby group, we hung out when I was there, but it was obvious the 2 of them saw each other more outside the group and spoke more. Definitely felt like a 3rd wheel there.

In-laws, they are horrible and rude and never think they are in the wrong so I doubt they see my behaviour as a consequence of their actions. It’s probably a case of “how dare she treat us like this”. In this situation I do think backing off and then just being polite but distant when I see them is better than a feud, which they seem to thrive on with their family members. They aren’t happy unless they are in some drama with family. I literally cut off the supply and have nothing to do with their dramas.

I think it’s more the other situations in my life. I’ve had a few friendships or jobs where it’s no longer working for me and I’ll just back out quietly and graciously with no drama. It seems to irk some people.

I’m perfectly able to stick up for myself and lose my temper when absolutely needed.

I think if that's how you choose to deal with it rather than a dramatic confrontation, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not a big fan of confrontation and drama myself, especially as I've got older, I just can't be arsed with it! You say it seems to irk some people, but so what? Let them be irked.

I've had a couple of friends do this to me and it can be very upsetting when you don't get the opportunity to apologise for what you did, and in some cases never find out what you did to upset them. One was a work colleague who started completely ignoring me, I assume because I made a somewhat insensitive offhand comment during a stressful period at work. I tried apologising for what I thought it was about but it didn't change her behaviour. If it's just casual acquaintances and extended family you're just choosing to distance yourself from it's not necessarily a problem, but if this would be your MO with a close friend or partner who hurt you I think you might want to try to learn how to communicate better.