Failing at life

[etwalla]

Honestly feel so shit lately, like I’m failing in every area of my life.

Work part time. Job is fine. I mostly fly under the radar, nobody really cares about my role and I’m fairly new to the team so I’m not classed as important socially. Not arsed.

Kids. I have a teen and a 4 year old. The age gap is a nightmare. I have so many different needs that need to be met. I try. Dh and I took them away in the Easter holidays for a few days but it’s hard work as they’ve nothing in common. Youngest is very demanding, eldest I feel like I don’t know anymore now he’s a teen and growing away from me.

Dh and I rub along ok but we have no family support and have definitely fallen into a rut. No romance, no dates, not much intimacy. Can be quite nasty and snippy with each other at times.

House is a mess. Need to declutter every single room but never have the time. Try and keep on top of mess and cleaning but there are so many jobs that need doing.

Im overweight. I’m ageing. My face is sagging. My hair is shit. I catch sight of myself and wonder what happened. I have cut back on drinking but still average two bottles of wine over a week which isn’t helping but seems to be the one small thing that relaxes me in an evening. Trying to walk more, at least 10k steps a day, and eat a bit better. But I just feel so flat and ugly in myself, could be peri as I’ve just turned 40.

I feel like there are so many areas I’m failing in it’s hard to know where to make improvements.

Alcohol should be #1.
Bad for weight.
Bad for skin.
Toxic to your body.
Increases cancer risk.
Increases heart attack risk.
Increases depression.
Decreases restful sleep.
Increases dementia risk.

Start there.

I agree, I don't drink and sleep better, exercise more, spend less, have more patience with my kids.

HRT is life-changing, well worth investigating.

And Monjaro, I have lost 4 stone in a year.

Life is there to be lived.

Unless its red wine, as that can actually protect against dementia: https://www.qub.ac.uk/News/Allnews/2024/Consumingberriesteaandredwinemayreducetheriskofdementianewstudyshows.html

Apart from thst detour, OP I hear you. 40s are tough, as you are often your own last consideration after work, family, home. I think it's very common to have a mental and emotional slump at this stage. The good news is happiness begins to increase again after middle age, as long as we socialisr and keep our brains active. Not much help now, but lots of solidarity from someone in the same phase.

I can almost guarantee it isn't red wine.

Can you get some help to declutter? When we were drowning in toys and things I couldn't get rid of. My family came over and helped, I couldn't get involved so let them take the lead. Sometimes you need someone who is further away to take the lead.

You aren't being unreasonable, but your post does make me wonder how your mood is? You sound very flat. Are there any parts of your life that bring you joy?

You don't sound like you're failing to me, you just sound normal. Is there any chance you're a bit depressed?

I’d say alcohol too but also start with the little things that help you feel better, looking after hair, even cleanse and moisturise skin but enjoy even that sensation. Go out with your dh when your kids are at school one day- ask him can he take a day off. People say decluttering and it’s this huge monstrosity of a job- what part of the house irritates you so badly? Start there, and don’t get so into all of this that you forget good old water and sleep. And 10k steps is in my opinion a huge amount for people who are juggling so much, just concentrate on a walk/ a swim/ a game of football with the family- something new every day six days a week

Trying to think of a board game that will get the whole family in …

Try to focus on just one thing (as Michael Moseley would say) at a time and build it into your new routine before adding any other changes. Several have suggested cutting out alcohol. After that, maybe try yoga or something involving more strength and flexibility than walking.

It's not the flavenoids etc. It's the alcohol.
Drinking moderately contributes to a decrease in brain volume.
Get your health benefits from a healthy lifestyle and diet. Don't be fooled. Regular alcohol consumption is not healthy and may be harmful.

Cut yourself some slack until your child starts school. Then you'll have more time. It could be peri, a lot of women feel like life is imploding. Alcohol never helps. You aren't the only person in the house, so you shouldn't be responsible for everything. In a couple of years, your youngest can pitch in. Start to identify what changes are needed and over what timescales. Then start slowly.

You are at a very tough time in life. There are loads of demands on you and you're very time poor. Plus add in ageing, perimenopause (perhaps) and children at 2 very different but difficult stages in life no wonder you feel you can't meet expectations. But that's just it, they're expectations you have of yourself, it doesn't sound like work feels you're failing etc.

Show yourself some grace. Your experience is very typical and while I don't mean you should just accept the things that make you unhappy I do think you could reframe things. You have a job that isn't too demanding so that at least means you can put energy else where. Maybe you and your teen could have a walk once a week to bond and luckily your teen could be left to look after your 4 year old for 45 mins and you could do the same with DH.

This too shall pass but you're in the trenches right now.

Not sure why everyone is focusing on alcohol. She's drinking about the maximum suggested by the NHS so not considered to be excessive. There's far more to pick apart here. As someone else suggested, sit down and write a list of everything that is getting you down then tackle them one by one. Do it in bite size pieces - don't set yourself targets that are so big they're overwhelming but set yourself a half hour job every day (Exercise? Cleaning a corner out, weeding a bit of the garden). Keep it big enough to feel a sense of satisfaction after you've done your half hour but small enough that you don't feel so overwhelmed you can't do it.

Consider seeing a doctor if this doesn't work - you may need some help, could be menopause or depression?

@HoskinsChoice the OP is drinking almost 50% more than the NHS max, week in week out, and that's after she has cut down. The NHS recommends women drink no more than 14 units a week and there is typically 10 units in a bottle of red wine. The OP is drinking 2 bottles a week so approximately 20 units a week.

I'm not saying it's good thing but it's hardly alcoholism. For most people, drinking 2 bottles a week might affect long term health but is unlikely to have a direct impact on current day to day living. I'd be astounded if any of my friends drink less than two bottles a week and they are all fully functioning, full time working professionals. I appreciate everyone is different and some are more impacted by alcohol than others but on the basis of the OP, it seems she has bigger problems to tackle.

Units per week is 18 based on the wine I drink but I appreciate that’s still more than the NHS guidelines. I don’t think it’s the key reason for my mood but probably doesn’t help.

I think a lot of it is just overwhelm. Always so much to do. Living day to day but never the time or motivation to make meaningful improvements. The decluttering is an example - every single room has drawers and cupboards full of crap. I keep saying I’ll do it bit by bit room by room but it doesn’t happen.

So make it happen! Go and clear out one drawer right now. Just one. Once it's done, take the achievement as a win. Then do another drawer tomorrow. Bit by bit and you'll get there.

Have you tried Noom? It's a weight loss app, but it's very much about psychology and learning to feel better about yourself and be less hard on yourself and you can try it for free. You mentioned a lot of different niggling issues so perhaps this is one thing you could try.

I don't think it sounds like you're failing, just normal middle age life. But that doesn't mean you can't find ways to be happier.