To realise that DH just wants me to be his mother?

[confusedlots]

Is anyone else’s DH like this? Gets in a strop when I don’t praise him for something minor he has done at home. Doesn’t take the initiative to load the dishwasher or turn it on it is full, or empty it when it’s finished? Yes he will do it if asked but I think he just thinks I’m like his mother (who was a stay at home mum and did absolutely everything around the house, and still does at 80 years old) who will do everything for him and tell him what a good boy he is. He was particularly annoying me this evening about something and I said to him that when I got married I thought I was gaining a husband and not a son, and he had no idea where I was coming from. I don’t think he’s going to change now and I will do what I can to make sure my son doesn’t follow in his footsteps but not sure how effective I can be at stopping that if he sees this behaviour from his dad at home (and he is a real
daddy’s boy).

You need to make it clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and he needs to grow up and share the load. It might be possible if he believes you are serious about it and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Always room for improve with clear, calm communication and a willingness to improve. There will be things he wishes you did and you'll need to ve open to him sharing those too.

You have to push back.
He’s able to do this because you facilitate it. You can’t change his behaviour but you can change your own.

Let him face the consequences of his own ineptitude.
Are you doing his washing? Stop.
When he looks to you as the default for something, just reflect the question back on to him. ‘What’s for tea? I don’t know. What have you planned?’
Why hasn’t the dishwasher gone on? I don’t know, didn’t you realise it was full?

It takes a while, and a few evenings washing up before you can eat, but he’ll eventually cotton on. I imagine your son will get there first.

If his mother is over 80 then presumably the Dh in this scenario is in his 50s. If he is incapable of seeing what needs to be done in the household at his age then the time for clear communication is long gone.

Get in a strop if he doesn't praise you for cleaning up your own mess, washing your own clothes, making your own dinner etc? Then point out that this is what he does.

Oh god, I had one of these, now despatched as I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought he'd fall apart after we split up but it turns out he can do things for himself after all, he just didn't bother if he thought he could get me to do it all for him. He even used to say to the kids things like, "Come on, guys, let's help mum clear up." And I used to be like, "Huh, is it my job to clear up then??" Because as well as being a lazy toad he also wanted everyone to think what a super guy he was. (In fact, our deal was that I mostly cooked and he mostly cleared up... eventually... when everything had sat on the kitchen surface for a day, or been left in a cold washing up bowl overnight.) Gets you down in the end. You basically have to choose between doing everything, nagging, or living in a permanent state of chaos. Or leave.