To think I’ll never fit in because I’m not fun/the life and some of the party

[Phiphi82]

Just that really. I like to think I’m a nice person eg I often put others first, I’m a fiercely loyal and supportive friend but i wouldn’t describe myself as fun. Just some examples. I hate dancing and throwing myself around the room like an idiot. I have anxiety and can’t cope with large (especially girly) get togethers which was brought into even sharper focus recently when I went on a hen night away and ended up levaing in a taxi early as I couldn’t cope. The problem is the now large group of friends I seemed to have amassed is through my husband as they’re all partners of his friends. Now that in itself is of course not a l problem but my husband is very much like this group of feigns eg very outgoing, fun, laid back, loved to dance all night etc and whilst I love him being so chill and happy in himself I always feel like the odd one out.

I have tried to throw myself into just relaxing and enjoying myself when out and about in this big group of people but I can’t. I’m more happy 1/1 or 2/1 with people but I obviously cannot dictate friendships like that. I get myself so het up and confused as on the one hand I want friends and then on my bad days I find myself thinking that I couldn’t give a toss and would be happier in my own company which then makes me feel like such a bad person!

What is wrong with me? I have a wedding to go to in July and I’m already stressing about it as where the wedding is isn’t the same place as where our accommodation is so it’s not as though I’ll be able to escape every couple of hours for 5 minutes to myself. It’ll be 14 hours straight hours of people’ing. My husband who is a groomsman can’t wait for said wedding. Why can’t I just be normal and enjoy others company and enjoy events without dreading them for months before.

Hi OP, reading this I could see a lot of myself in what you are saying. One thing that has helped me is to stop overthinking what I do and start looking at other people. There are far more introverted quieter people in social grouper than what you first think.
It’s not about how you fit in, it’s about trying to realise that everyone has the right to belong, you just may not feel like you deserve to be. When you switch the lens up a bit socially, you realise most people are just happy to associate and they’re not judging you as much as you are yourself. Start focussing ourwards, observe non judgementally and that way, you may start to truly connect.

You are doing yourself, and others like you- and there are countless people like you- by terming not enjoying social gatherings and big groups of people as being not normal!

There is nothing wrong with you OP .

Everybody is different.

Personally I am only comfortable one on one with people and can't handle the social interaction of bigger groups of people.

The best thing I did was stop trying to be something I'm not.

People who truly like you will be happy to have one on one meet ups with you.

Well, from what you say, all your friends are your husbands’ friends’ partners, and considerably more outgoing than you, so not the best match? Also, you didn’t choose these people, presumably. (And they didn’t choose one another either, if they pinky spend time together because their spouses are friends?)

Why not make friends of your own, who are a better fit, and whom you can see individually?

I mean, no wonder you sound quite joyless and strained if your only friendships aren’t ones you chose yourself and are with people who like to socialise in ways you don’t! It would be like hanging out with enthusiastic spelunkers /surfers/trainspotters and complaining that you don’t fit in because you’re not one, and their conversation leaves you cold.

Make your own friends. Choose people you like, who like doing things you like. It’s not this set of people or no one.

What gave you the idea there's something wrong with you? People are different and like different things. If you prefer 1 to 1 why not find some people who are on your wavelength and do individual meetups with them?

I'm not a huge fan of big gatherings - I like them now and again but they're not really my thing. I have friends that I go to dinner with, chat on the phone with etc.

I am just the same. Am now in my mid-50s and no longer feel anxious about it or like I need to apologise. I don't like big groups. I like small groups of friends, and I don't like noise / alcohol / clubbing. (This is not age related -- I never have.)

The difference is that I absolutely accept myself now. I have friends who I see on a regular enough basis; I even have small groups of friends where we have an easy "meet up once a month for coffee if you can" type arrangements, and sometimes there are just two of us, and sometimes there are six.

You are not abnormal you are just wired slightly differently, and the way you need to make and maintain friendships is not the same as your husbands. I really enjoyed reading "Quiet" a book about introverts; found it quite empowering.

You sound great!

Trouble is, the people who like small groups are harder to find! Keep looking. From the sounds of his thread there are lots of us who don't relish big groups and dance floors.

Yes, but the OP says her friends are exclusively her husband's friends' partners, who are a sociable, outgoing bunch. She is going to have to strike out and find other, different friends if she wants them.

Why does your friendship group have to involve partying and dancing and large loud groups of people?

I don’t like any of that stuff. I don’t drink alcohol. I like being in bed by 9pm.

So I don’t have friends whose lives revolve around drinking and dancing and being in loud busy places. I have people over for lunch or BBQs, like one couple at a time from the friend group so it’s very one to one conversation. We meet for walks or coffee or I have friends I know through volunteering or hobbies.

I mean, a wedding is a wedding and you can’t really change that if you want to go (you don’t have to stay all night though). But my social life absolutely does not revolve around nights out. I’ve intentionally never been an a girls trip or a hen do (would literally rather saw my own leg off). Last time I was anywhere with dancing was 2 years ago for a friends birthday and I stayed until the shots started coming out and then was like, right then, time for me to head home to my herbal tea! 😂

I've had three ex boyfriends who were like this and while I loved their energy, I just couldn't keep up and felt drained by all the socialising and like inevitably they would find me too boring and break up with me. I'm now married to a fellow introvert and couldn't be happier. If anything I'm the more outgoing one, and most of our socialising is with one friend or couple at a time.

Because the OP says that all her friends are her husband's friends' partners -- I mean, no wonder she's a poor fit. These aren't people she's chosen because she likes them or shares interests. I mean, it might be that you get on like a house on fire with your spouse's friends' partners, but it's pretty much a lucky dip, like any chance met conglomerate of people, colleagues or NCT members.

All of This. You are perfectly normal. I too prefer to talk to one to one or to two or three people, rather than in big groups. If I am out in a big group, that is where I will be, on the edge talking to the people like me. Lots of people are like this.

One of the worst social experiences of my life was years ago attending an ann summers party. Just horrific. I dont like big events and find it trying small talking to people. I dont think i am 'not a fun person' I just find different things fun. Lean to accept yourself and find people will like the same things as you.

You are normal. Not everyone is a party animal. Weddings are often day long and are tiring. The last wedding I went to, I left at 10pm. The ceremony had been at 12. Then photos, drinks, lunch, more drinks. Dancing, singing, etc. It's great for the families and the happy couple but has it's limits for the rest of us. In your shoes, I would check the logistics of going back to your accommodation once you've had enough. It's torture waiting it out until your partner (party animal) is ready to leave. I wouldn't worry about offending anyone. They won't care. (assuming not family?) 💐

As everyone else has said, you're perfectly normal - especially on MN where everyone's a raging introvert 🤣. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I certainly found the 'out all night dancing' expectations massively tailed off once everyone was in their 30s and partnering off and having kids, to be replaced by daytime/ at home or outdoor events - although if you struggle with noise and chaos toddler-friendly socializing is also a challenge! Now we're out the other side of that mostly in our friend group and the kids are old enough to be left with babysitters I did wonder if the 2am club scene people would want to start up again but mainly not, casual dinners and BBQs in people's gardens or watching sports perhaps at the pub seem to be the favoured things (much to my relief, much more my sort of thing) which does lead me to wonder how much people really were enjoying all the partying they did as younger people, and how much of it was just with the intention of hooking up and/or getting drunk or high. Don't say this to people though or they'll get annoyed (coming from someone who can lack social graces and be tactless!)

You say you can't dictate friendships but what's stopping you organising and inviting one or two people along to the sort of social thing you do enjoy, whether that's coffee or lunch out, or a walk, trip to the cinema or theatre or to dinner at your house or whatever - the worst they can do is say no because they're only interested in 2am raves (or I suppose they might come and not have a very nice time but that's not your fault and you'll know not to invite them the next time). Who knows, I wouldn't be surprised if several of them feel exactly like you do, trapped in this particular way of socializing that they've been led to believe is 'normal' or 'right' but not actually liking it very much and would be delighted to do something more low key.

The nice thing about being a 'one or two very close friends' rather than 'huge group of acquaintances' socialiser, is you only need to find a few people you really get on with, then maintain friendships with them only, as opposed to being on top of the doings of 20 people and their partners and kids and so on. Why not just try texting someone to arrange something for this weekend and see how you get on?

My advice is to stop trying to fit in.

I used to stress at these things like you. I'd worry that I couldn't think of anything to say, or couldn't join in with the big group conversations quick enough to get a words in.

And then I got old enough and secure enough in myself to stop trying. I'm happy to be the quiet one. The average wedding these days starts with me just standing there, nodding and smiling while everyone talks around me. And because I'm not trying to interject, my mind isn't going "YOU'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY!" and so actually has some space in it to actually join in a little bit. Then dinner will be much of the same, but I'll generally get a few one on one conversations with the people sat next to me. Yeah, I'm probably considered the boring one, but that just doesn't bother me any more.

Then comes the evening. You will often find me sat at one of the tables by myself, watching the dancing, or taking in some fresh air outside. And people do find me, because the other introverts who are masking it see this little island of calm, and make a beeline for it. And so I get the one on one conversations that I actually enjoy. Every hour or so, I'll go dance for a few minutes, but usually only a song or so, because that'll do me, and it wards off the "You've got to come and dance types".

Yeah, a lot of people probably think I'm a bit quiet, a little odd. But you know what, I'm both of those things, and I'm perfectly happy being those things.

I agree with all the PPs about trying to find some friends that are more on your wavelength. I'm the more extraverted / dance all night friend however I have more introverted friends im more than happy to meet one on one for a coffee or cinema or whatever.

I agree with this. It's only as I've gotten older that I've come to realise how much younger me was part of the 'problem'. Internally I always hated the kind of noisy exuberant drinking-based socialising OP's talking about, but I joined in with apparent enthusiasm, probably over-compensating over-enthusiasm in retrospect, because I thought that's just what you had to do in order to have friends, and everyone else seemed to be having a whale of a time so I must be the weird one. Now I realise probably half the people I was with felt exactly like I did and were just going along with it and pretending, same as I was. If any of us had just been brave enough to opt out lots probably would have followed suit. Stupid really, how much time and money we all wasted feeling bored and tired and getting unnecessarily drunk just to get through a dull evening dressed up to the nines in some sticky-floored smelly bad music club when we could have been having a nice time watching telly on the sofa together in our dressing gowns and slippers or something 😂.

But seriously though it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you don't have to affect an apparent total personality transplant overnight - I do still occasionally join in the kind of social event I don't really like, where it's really important for someone else e.g. I do dance a little at weddings if it gives pleasure to the couple to have a full dance floor, dancing is particularly important in DH's (non UK) culture so I put my awkwardness about it to one side for their family events. I do still have a few close friends who genuinely do really enjoy a noisy night in a bar or club and so once a year for their birthdays I'll join in. The rest of the time we socialise in more of a compromise way, they may still go out more than I do but they know I won't come very often and our friendship has survived! At events I'll tend to do the hover quietly at the edges thing, sometimes find another lone soul to have a one on one chat with, or sometimes don't talk much at all or quietly go off by myself for a minute, people really don't usually notice or care anywhere near as much as you think they will!