This is a ridiculously embarrassing post but I just feel so upset I guess I just wanted to post and ask if anyone has advice
ill try and keep this as anonymous as possible but basically for context I'm mid 20s and recently was quite unwell and required a device implanted in my chest (not a pacemaker but similar idea, it's for my heart). Unfortunately when I was unwell I lost quite a few friends- I'm honestly not sure exactly why, I never talked about my health issues so it's not as if I was going on about it, they just sort of stopped inviting me to things because while I was unwell I obviously couldn't hang out.
i have a particular friendship which I’ve had for years and honestly- I thought he liked me more than a friend based on how often we message and the contents of our message, and I liked him back, but I was hesitant to say anything because I wasn't sure how he felt and didn't want to ruin the friendship.
anyway last night we went out and had a shot competition (probably not the wisest idea l've ever had but I just thought after such a shit few years, fuck it) one of the bouncers kept joking with him that I'm clearly into him and we should hook up and stuff. I laughed it off because I was drunk at the time and was just laughing at everything, but later my friend basically confronted me and said 'are you into me?' He seemed so offended and unhappy about it so I immediately was like no of course not, but it was obvious I am and he didn't believe me. The rest of the night was so, so awkward, and eventually we went back to his place (as I had to get something there) and then I called an Uber home. While I was waiting for the Uber home I felt really unwell- not just drunken sickness, it just felt like something wasn't right at all with my heart. It was 4am and freezing and he was kept saying how cold it was, so I eventually said just go inside it’s fine I’ll wait myself. He was said okay, so I waited 5/10 min myself outside for the Uber.
He texted me about 15 mins later asking if I got the Uber ok and then that was it, he must have fell asleep because he didn’t text saying did you get home ok etc. (I live a 40 min Uber drive away)
anyway, I feel better today and my heart feels fine but I’ll call the device clinic today to let them know I felt unwell.
but I am absolutely mortified now. He knows I liked him and it was crystal clear he doesn’t like me. He was hammered too but had sobered up enough by that point to remember it. We’ve been great friends for a long time and now I’ve completely ruined it and I’ve thrown it all away. Last night when I was waiting myself for the Uber I quite literally burst into tears but it’s my own fault because of course he went inside and of course he didn’t text asking if I got home ok- he doesn’t like me like that and I clearly misjudged everything
I’ve not got that much experience with this stuff because of the last few years, but can anyone tell me, will the embarrrssment fade? And has anyone ever had a friendship recover from this?
thanks x