AIBU to want a day to myself from parenting?

[Amzxo94]

Hi everyone,

So I dont even really know where to start this, but when I was pregnant, my mum passed away just under 2 months before my daughter was born. She has just recently turned 2, and since the day she was born, I haven't had a single day to myself.
I have a suspected fibromyalgia and ibs, and my health is so unpredictable with these issues. And also my mental health suffered dramatically at the loss of my mum. I have no other family or close friends around.
For the last year or so, I have been practically begging my partner to give me a break from our daughter, just take her out for a day, do something, go away basically. He works Monday to Friday and I understand hes tired too, but whenever I raise this issue, he promises that he will take her out on Saturday morning, let me rest etc., but when Saturday comes, he never does. He tells me to make plans and go out for the day, but I dont want to go out, I just want a day to myself.
His family are all in italy, so we are mostly alone, but his friends have offered to take our daughter for a day, he never takes the offers, even when he can clearly see I'm at breaking point. And not to mention, at home I do literally everything. Every meal, every bath, all the cleaning etc., and I dont mind most of the time. But I need a break.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. We all need our time.

I think he should step up and deliver what he promised.

Go out for the day. If you just want to rest, book a massage and then a travel lodge and have a nap. Or go to a coffee shop or the cinema.

take the day off.

also you could take a day off during the week when she’s at childcare or book a babysitter etc. there are options (working around your husbands uselessness)

Shut yourself in the bath with a book and switch off. Or just get on with whatever you want to do. We used to take turns getting up at the weekend so each of us got a lie in. Tell him it's his turn to get up?

In any relationship both of you need to listen to each other, the fact that he hasn't listened to you, hasn't put anything in action, is just leaving the situation go by even tho he's seen you at breaking point. You both need to sit down again and tell him clearly and directly. Sorry but i think your being too lenient on him, how can a relationship survive if both ppl don't listen to each other and respect each other

If he loves you and is a grown up why are you doing all the domestic chores? You have suspected fibromyalgia, I believe being overly tired and pushing yourself makes it worse. He needs to change, that's not fair. And a day to yourself is a reasonable request. Plenty of dads take their children out on a Saturday morning to give their partners a break and vice versa. He needs to grow up and stop being selfish, show he cares.

You're not being unreasonable to want some time to yourself but you are being unreasonable for not doing something about it. Go out with your friends, contact the people who have offered to babysit, book a solo trip in a hotel even if it's 2 minutes away. Don't be a martyr, sort it out.

Yes, this. Take him at his word. Disappear for the day and leave him to it.

Next time he says Saturday go and book a spa day or something and leave him to it.

I think what you're saying is you never get the house to yourself. And he promises you can, but then doesn't do it?

What a bastard, tbh. It would be so easy for him to do it, and I'm sure you've explained your reasoning.

You'll need to work around his refusal. I suggest getting a hotel room, and if he complains about the cost, say you need to rest in private not be out and about in public. "There's a free solution but you're not giving me it".

Maybe couples counselling would make him understand? It all depends on whether he care enough though.

Given that you do all the housework, I suspect that if you did have a day to yourself in the house (i.e. DH takes toddler out for 8 hours), you would just end up 'catching up' on housework.
Plus it is impossible to force him to take toddler out of the house - you cannot make it happen.
So, the immediate fix is to take yourself out of the house and leave toddler with him. This is within your control.
Take a book or a charged iPad. If the weather is cold, go to a cafe, followed by the public library, followed by a local museum, followed by another cafe, a bookshop, etc.

Longer term - your marriage is in deep trouble. Nothing kills a marriage like resentment and disrespect. He disrespects you, and you resent him.
The warning lights are flashing, so take action now.

But ultimately, you can't make him change. If he refuses to change and step up, you will just have to accept it, and either carry on as best you can, or divorce.
(There is no need to jump to divorce - maybe wait 5 years until DD is older)

@StandingDeskDisco

whaaaat?! Wait 5 years before doing something about it if she decides that this relationship isn’t working for her?! FIVE YEARS?! Who’s to say she has five years left (same for any of us). Life is short and you don’t know what’s round the corner… don’t stay unhappy and wait unnecessarily, OP @Amzxo94

I suggested waiting because life as a single parent to a toddler is expensive and difficult, let alone being a disabled single parent.
If he is still in the house, at least she has an on-site babysitter and might get a smidgen of help.
With no other adult in the house, there is absolutely zero childcare, unless a family member can help, and everything around the house falls to the one parent. You cannot rely on the other parent to step up and do 50/50 in the event of a split - they might opt for a few overnights each month, or even disappear altogether.
Then you have to consider the poverty of being a disabled single parent who can't work. At least at the moment the partner is working and bringing in money. (There is no suggestion of financial abuse.)

In the circumstances, keeping the nearly-useless father around for a few more years might be the least worst option.

Pay a babysitter and rethink your relationship.

Are you working? Is your daughter in childcare? The answer is to get her in childcare a couple of days a week, even if you’re not working, or if you are just book a day of annual leave.

Whatever you do, don't have a second child! YANBU of course but many men are like this. You will eventually start getting time for yourself again, latest when your child goes to nursery or school. Some dads also find it easier to deal with an older child so he may step up later on. But in any case, never have a second child with this man.

Your partner has suggested you go out but you don’t want to… I get that, but you have to - of you’re in the house you’ll get roped into childcare!

As pp have said, go for a massage. Or off to don’t have money for a hotel, I’d pitch a tent somewhere safe and have a nap in there!