To feel some form of closure about hearing this about my ex?

NeedingASafeSpace · 2026-04-12T21:16:36+00:00

I left my ex due to DV. He is no contact with me or my DC as he assaulted me while DC was present and they saw it which hadn’t happened before so the line was crossed. We left, he got told to go through the courts go contact and nothing has happened since. This was September last year. while with him he always said it was my fault he lashed out verbally and somewhat physically. While I know I didn’t deserve the abuse, I do always think it was me he was absuive toward a that he is capable of having a non absuive relationship. It held me back from moving on, completely. I almost still… not held a torch for him but definitely wondered “what if I didn’t do XYZ” I bumped into a friend I have who was friends with his ex previously and filled her in on my situation. She told me he was this way inclined during the relationship with his ex and they don’t know any female to have a good word to give, about him. since then, I feel a shift and almost as if that was closure to move on. I of course feel dreadful for this other poo woma and I feel bad admitting it helped me move on. I’d never wish absuive relationships on anyone but I get the closure knowing it was me, or her or any other ex. It was him and always was. He always has and always will be that way inclined with female partners.

Endofyear · 12/04/2026 22:24

I'm glad that knowing this information about him has helped you move on. It was never your behaviour that caused the abuse - it's never the victim's fault that an abuser chooses to abuse them.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 12/04/2026 22:25

Endofyear · 12/04/2026 22:24

I'm glad that knowing this information about him has helped you move on. It was never your behaviour that caused the abuse - it's never the victim's fault that an abuser chooses to abuse them.

Although I knew this in my head, I think it’s taken this for my conscious and my heart to catch up with me

OP posts:

ThatFairy · 13/04/2026 00:27

I'm experiencing something to that note just now. I left my ex 6 years ago. He was really bad to me. Emotional and physical abuse, not seeing our son for long stretches of time, consistently, never lived together, no help with looking after our son. He used to make me cry and laugh at me.

He enjoyed it. It made him feel important to be the one in the relationship to act like the other is worthless, to make every argument a humiliation or a desertion. That I wanted him because my head was fucked up and I couldn't sleep and I thought I couldn't cope alone but he just didn't care. He would say I was ugly and when I was younger, I believed it. He was just a terrible person. He was an alcoholic, but he wasn't always drunk when he was behaving this way and it's no excuse anyway.

It took me years to realise how severe the abuse was. I had PTSD.

I've spent the last few years recovering and getting back to myself. For the first two years, I had flashbacks and cried at night. He ruined my life. I went no contact with him when my son was 13 or 14 because every conversation was just abuse and control. Just found out he is settling down with a new woman and they have a baby on the way. Apparently he's quit alcohol, his body simply can't take it anymore.

So I've been thinking today, wondering if he will do better this time with his second chance at a family. It's hard for me to imagine that he could change. But I don't know. It's a confusing thing to me, all of it. It's hard for me to picture him renting a house with this woman and sharing bills and properly contributing to a family. Taking his kid to school ?What does it mean if he treats them better ?

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 13/04/2026 06:39

ThatFairy · 13/04/2026 00:27

I'm experiencing something to that note just now. I left my ex 6 years ago. He was really bad to me. Emotional and physical abuse, not seeing our son for long stretches of time, consistently, never lived together, no help with looking after our son. He used to make me cry and laugh at me.

He enjoyed it. It made him feel important to be the one in the relationship to act like the other is worthless, to make every argument a humiliation or a desertion. That I wanted him because my head was fucked up and I couldn't sleep and I thought I couldn't cope alone but he just didn't care. He would say I was ugly and when I was younger, I believed it. He was just a terrible person. He was an alcoholic, but he wasn't always drunk when he was behaving this way and it's no excuse anyway.

It took me years to realise how severe the abuse was. I had PTSD.

I've spent the last few years recovering and getting back to myself. For the first two years, I had flashbacks and cried at night. He ruined my life. I went no contact with him when my son was 13 or 14 because every conversation was just abuse and control. Just found out he is settling down with a new woman and they have a baby on the way. Apparently he's quit alcohol, his body simply can't take it anymore.

So I've been thinking today, wondering if he will do better this time with his second chance at a family. It's hard for me to imagine that he could change. But I don't know. It's a confusing thing to me, all of it. It's hard for me to picture him renting a house with this woman and sharing bills and properly contributing to a family. Taking his kid to school ?What does it mean if he treats them better ?

Edited

Hi angel, he won’t.
that was never your fault. God protected you and your son from this monster, I pray he does the same for this new woman and child.
you said it yourself that he wasn’t always drunk when he abused you. You’re either that way inclined, or you’re not. Nothing you did was wrong and going no contact protected you and your child.
have you read a book “why does he do that?” It’s a woman who tells you how this behaviour from them isn’t changeable without deep indulgence into rewiring their brain. If he’s done that then that’s good… but only you know if that’s actually manageable from him or not.
i am so sorry you went through that abuse and I pray for your recovering and also I am grateful you and your DC were quite literally saved from him.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 13/04/2026 06:42

It was never your fault.

But I’m glad you’ve manage to come to realise that and get some closure.

I wish you and happy abuse free future

curious79 · 13/04/2026 06:43

My exH’s rels (and the ones before me it turns out!) keep on blowing up because of his alcoholism and mental health. It’s weirdly reassuring, not least of all because he blamed me for his state of mind. He never took accountability for anything