AIBU to feel annoyed after offering to host the family barbecue?

[Sam155320]

Mother in law is having us round for BBQ today. DH took her to get the food. Just to add I did offer to have BBQ round our house & I did offer to cook food here but she insisted no she be fine & DH said no as well. Fast forward to today she phones DH to say she can’t cope with food cooking & BBQ and it’s too much for her. DH has now gone round to sort BBQ out for her pretty annoyed about the situation of his mum having to do all the food plus taking it out on me but I did say I did offer for her to be here and offered to help out with food. Would this situation annoy you?

Don’t lift a finger to help with the prep as she’s playing games.

Yes it would annoy me. Is this familiar behaviour from MIL? And why are you the scapegoat in your husband’s eyes? It seems like there are some twisted dynamics going on.

Not really enough to go on here is there. Is she 55 and has a penchant for the dramatics or 95 and took on too much?

your “dear” husband is being an arse to take it out on you though

I presume you know your husband and mother in law better than us. Is this a pattern of behaviour or is she normally a fabulous person and this is wildly out of character?

Its hard to say she could of genuinely tried and didn't know her limits as she's getting older. Or she could just be difficult and likes everyone running around after her. I don't understand why your dh is mad with you thats just odd

It would depend on the wider context. Now, I’m disabled, and I’ve had to get used to being slower and less able to do things I once took completely in my stride. There have been a couple of occasions when I thought I would be fine and realised I had bitten off more than I could chew and needed help.

I learned from this and now keep my expectations of myself realistic. But not everyone does, especially if this is more about ageing and getting overwhelmed and having to confront that change. At least with a disability you know that you’re going to be less able to do some things, even though it can be upsetting to realise how far you’ve slipped at times. I know my own mum has struggled sometimes accepting that she just can’t do as much now she’s in her seventies.

So unless this was part of a bigger and more consistent pattern of her wanting to be the grand hostess and then making everyone else run around to fulfil what needs doing while she sits back and takes credit, I probably wouldn’t be frustrated with her. I’d be having a quiet word with my husband about whether he’d noticed other signs of her needing more help and how as a couple we could support her if so.

You’re not wrong to be frustrated that this could have been avoided by letting you host as you’d offered, especially if you did so because you’ve observed her struggling, rather than because you just wanted to control the menu. But I’d be more concerned than annoyed if this was a relatively new issue.

Why do any of you try and do it all yourself. It doesnt matter who hosts, everyone pitches in!

Yes thanks for your information but I did offer to pitch in but MIL insisted no as she’s had no previous issues of hosting them before

Why is DH cross with you?

If you’ve had no issues with her behaviour previously, it could be genuine. My own DPs and ILs used to host with ease. There comes a time when they can’t cope, could it be that she’s realised this only after offering to host?

If it was a norm where "family bbq" means that everyone contributes, then you wouldn't be in this position.

I wouldn't accept a husband taking anything out on me.
What did he do? Don't attend, and tell her it's because of her son.

Why did your DH say no to having it at yours? Was it because he knew he'd get roped in to help with the work? Is he pissed because he's now got to help out anyway? I'd be most angry at him taking out his frustration on you, as you've done nothing wrong in this scenario and I'd expect an apology.

I’m not entirely sure which bit you’re annoyed at? Yes it’s a bit crap, but doesn’t sound like the end of the world either for you or DH. What’s he taking out on you or is he just having a whinge?
What have I missed?

Exactly this

I'd stay home. Tell him you have gone vegetarian..