AIBU to be irritated by my mum's constant comments about my car?

[2ndcarowner]

My mums ‘helpful suggestion’ to everything I experience or decision I make in life has been that I could get rid of my car and that would save me money. She’s obsessed. New job? You could work from home and get rid of your car. New house? You could buy close to work and get rid of your car. Need to save money to pay for a holiday/house repairs? Get rid of your car. It’s always my car, not DHs she thinks we should get rid of.

For context DH and I have a car each to get to work, and 2 children who need to be picked up from school and taken to clubs and parties from time to time. Both cars are about 10 years old and owned outright and cost very little in the way of tax and insurance, so even if we did get rid of one it wouldn’t save much money, but would be inconvenient because we’d have to work out a schedule of who needs the car when and potentially be dropped off early or picked up late for things.

Well there you go, 2 cars seems like an impossible extravagance to her, as it does to many people. 40% of the population doesn't even have one.

My mum also hyper fixates on some things - healthy eating is a big one for her and she manages to make EVERYTHING about whether or not I’m eating right. I’m perfectly healthy btw, normal BMI, bloods all fine, no serious health issues.

I actually had to go NC with her for a while because she was so over-invested in my diet, and enlisted my dad’s help. It did get better after this but she still makes the odd mention of it.

When it all came to a head, I came here for advice and someone suggested that it was a way for her to control her anxiety, which made a lot of sense to me. She’s a very anxious person but never had the toolkit to deal with it properly and I can see how she’d subconsciously try to control her anxiety by trying to control what I eat, and convincing herself everything was related to that.

No idea if this could be relevant to you but thought I’d mention it as the way you wrote about it feels very familiar.

Honestly @2ndcarowner You're going to have to say 'mum, if you don't stop banging on about my car, I'm gonna stop fucking seeing you!' Be really firm/borderline angry. How annoying that she NEVER says your DH should give up HIS car!

She sounds annoying, goady, and quite jealous. So she can drive/has passed her test, but isn't good at it now. Some jealousy there maybe? Is she jealous because you have your OWN car?

Is she worried you’ll have an accident?
I worry about DH and DC when they’re driving. A family member died in a car accident and I’m very afraid it’ll happen again especially as roads are busier than ever. I do try not to affect them by these worries though.

She’s got form for getting fixated on an idea and not hearing anything to the contrary.

Her other thing is she thinks it’s wrong in principle to tutor a child for 11+, fine, I agree in principle that children should be able to go to the best school for them, however, in the real world there aren’t enough places and there’s a lot of competition, the teachers at DDs school have told us DD would suit the grammar school and if we can afford it we should pay for tutoring for her because they can’t teach 11+ at school, so of course we’re paying for a tutor, but she keeps telling me how it’s unfair, I mean I agree it is unfair on children whose parents can’t afford it, but us not tutoring isn’t going to help those poor children, it’s only going to disadvantage my child, her grandchild.

Just tell her ‘Mum, get real, my car is ten years old and at best I could get £3,000 for it, three grand is not going to make one iota of difference when it comes to moving house or changing jobs. It’s bugger all in the grand scheme of things. I’d be three grand better off but be stranded every day!!’

Have you tried asking her directly “mum you always suggest we make changes so we can get rid of one of the cars, and the changes would always means we’d be worse off as a family. Why do you think I need to get rid of my car? You keep saying it, I don’t understand why you think I’d be happier with only one car.”

each time - “there you go again, why do you always want me to get rid of my car?”

Has she recently been radiacalised by the Green Party?

Mums say all sorts of annoying things, you just have to tune it out or keep repeating 'Mum, I'm never going to get rid of my car so stop going on about it'!

This. Mine is v anxious and fixates on stupid knee jerk solutions to problems that wont even fix things too.

My mother gets fixated on pointless illogical ideas. It's exhausting. I grey rock now.

It's sad but I really can't be arsed with her turning everything upside down and inside out till it becomes nonsense.

She will keep driving you crazy with her comments until you tell her to stop.

Right now, she may not be aware that she is testing your tolerance so speaking to her soon is better.

Sounds like she’s got proper “know-your-place-itis”. My MIL was the same, anything in our lives that was different from her’s at the same stage, was extravagance or trying to get above ourselves.
Classic poverty of low aspiration - I used this phrase to MIL once, the wittering didn’t completely stop but it definitely reduced!

Don’t go down to one car, the only one who will miss out is you! Maybe she’s projecting her anxieties if she hates driving so much.

Just to say, my mum was a social worker and was extremely vehement that women should always have their own car, on their name as a means to independence, freedom and if necessary, escape. She saw too many unhappy women at risk with no way of even packing a bag and leaving.

'You seem to be repeating a lot of comments about my car, [mum]. Are you having memory problems?'
That might do it...

She's clearly decided you've got ideas above your station, owning your own car and all that.

My dm likes to tell me how lucky I am all time. Lucky to have a nice car, lucky to have a nice house, lucky this, lucky that as if it all just fell into my lap. It makes me want to scream "It's not luck, it's because I work bloody hard for it all".

This

You will never get my car out of my cold dead hands, or whatever it is they say

I walk a lot, I got the bus into our local city (16 miles, 1.5 hours) yesterday so not averse to that but the faff and time it all takes, it has to be choice

Why should she do that? It’s none of her mums business how much it costs her.

I would absolutely do this

I would say 'oh, how much do you think I could get for my car' and make her go through all that, then I'd want to know and for her to work out, the comparison cost of the yearly expensies of the car, plus what you might get for it when you sell it, to the comparison cost of using public transport, cabs, etc etc

I would laboriously go through that mind numbing detail each time, asking her questions, not telling her. Make it onerous and boring. Every single time.

Well you missed a trick on April fools day!

This too, DH is lovely but you never know what’s around the corner. I know of a colleague whose dad was in an accident and when he recovered his whole personality changed and he became violent, hopefully that would never happen but I’m a very independent person, I’d never feel comfortable relying on DH completely.

I like that, poverty of low ambition describes her perfectly, she never expected me to amount to much, I was supposed to go to university to find a husband, and then become a housewife like her.

Actually I would be tempted to tell her I had sold it, then when she realises it’s not true, just explain it was the only way you could get her to STFU

Why does op have to prove her mother wrong? It doesn't matter if the car is costing a thousand pounds a mile, it's none of her mums business!