What do you say when your child feels different from others?

[ListenToAlfDubs]

It's things like she finds new people and joining in challenging / she is scared to ask for clarification with others because she is embarassed / she struggles with not knowing what to do.

I recognize all of this (i am probably ADHD) and have often wished j could just go through life like other people. But I also know many children will find the same things difficult.

I don't want to minimize the feelings of difference but I don't want to make her feel more different than she is.

What do you do if your DC say they feel different (& they are sad about this)?

I would say 'It sounds like you don't like feeling different. Do you want to tell me more about that?'
Or I'd say 'Life would be boring if we were all the same but it sounds like it feels really hard for you.'
Basically I'd name the feeling and allow it and open up the opportunity to chat about it. It always feels good to feel heard and understood.

My child was popular and bright all through school and I dismissed her feelings for years when she said she felt different. I think it’s quite common to feel different if you’re sensitive and intelligent. But I regret that now. She has been formally diagnosed with ADHD and says we all gaslighted her as a child (although she understands why).

If I had my time again I’d probably affirm her feelings and explore what is making her sad. Does she really want to run with the pack? What does she feel would be the tools to enable her to do that? Reassure her that her inhibitions are ok and she will be ok. She is still wonderful and enough even if she’s different to her school mates. I would also talk about role models who are different and see things differently. Depending on her age you can google books and films that might help.

Also try and seek a formal diagnosis if you can. It will help with things like exams and support at uni.

Good posts from @mikado1 and @Screamingabdabz.

I would listen and sympathise, but also start taking notes over time. It might be that this is a phase due to e.g. natural changes in friendship groups or similar. Equally if you suspect ND in yourself it could be something you might want to investigate further.

When I first started my son's autism assessment process I was worried if he was diagnosed it might make him feel worse. But actually its been a hugely positive thing as he has made so many good friends via autism groups.

“It takes all sorts to make a world”. It’s a shame that Britain is becoming more and more conformist. I think a lot of it is due to overpopulation and pressure on resources. There was a time for British / English eccentrics once.

Also there is still the continent with different cultures just next door, and in fact Britain’s regions still have some differences.

I'd tell her it's great. Once you are able to identify your own feelings and preferences you are ultimately more likely to assert those preferences and not be led by the crowd. She can then choose the friends who align with her values. It's a work in progress obviously but i would instil in her that different doesn't mean bad or that you won't be popular and have lots of friends.

This is so helpful, thank you all

Similar experience here, at the age of 30 she’s been diagnosed with ADHD. To be fair we didn’t know a lot about it when she was younger, she didn’t fit the hyper activity part, but that isn’t the whole picture.

I think we've learnt a lot. I'm on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment in my 40s. Never picked up as I am not hyperactive and did well at school.

You listening and hearing her out will be a great release and relief to her I'm sure.
On the specific challenges of meeting new people or seeking clarification, you could ask her if she'd like some help with that and maybe talk about what she could do next time. Role play is simple but really effective on that.
Wishing you the best, and with your own diagnosis too.

People's brains are all wired differently - your brain finds some things harder than other brains (meeting new people) but your brain is also better at some things (for my child - great memory for facts, super focus on things they find interesting).

How old is she? She sounds similar to my DD, who is quite shy and introverted (as I was). It’s possible DD has some ND traits.

DD is 11 now, and as she’s got older we’ve talked about how social situations can feel awkward, sympathised with her if she’s struggling, but also encouraged her to make the effort and explained that being sociable is a skill that can take some time to perfect.

It helps that DH and I are your typical socially awkward science fiction geeks, so we know how it feels to not fit in, but can also show her that you can learn to get along with most people even if it’s just on a fairly superficial level. Hopefully we can be good role models that way.