Cousin's boyfriend made a pass at me and I don't know how to handle it.

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My cousin, who I grew up with and have a sibling relationship with, came through a messy divorce about two years ago. It was a horrible and abusive marriage.

Around the same time, she got back in touch with an old boyfriend from years ago, initially as a casual, rebound thing but they're now a serious couple and about to move in together. I've met him several times, both recently and years ago when they were dating and I've always really liked him. He treats her very well and is just a likeable bloke. She has told me she's very much in love and he feels the same.

All the family are really happy she's with someone nice after such a horrible time.

Last weekend we all met up for a family BBQ at his house, where cousin will be moving to soon. Everyone got quite drunk, especially him, but we were all having fun. Near the end of the evening, I was in the kitchen washing up and he came up behind me and drunkenly wrapped his arms around me and said he's so happy to be part of the family and sort of nuzzled into my neck and kissed/nibbled it a bit.
It felt awful. I couldn't be less interested in him in that way. I am happily married with two young kids and happy for my cousin who says she has found happiness with this man. I stepped away and walked back out to the garden in a daze and he just sat down at the kitchen table.

Now I don't know what to do and if I should say anything. I don't want cousin to end up with a man who makes passes at her family but I also don't want to ruin her happiness over what could have just been a drunken mistake I am certain he doesn't remember.
A part of me also worries the family won't believe me as I am overweight and unattractive and cousin is a slim and very attractive woman.

WWYD?

I wouldn’t say anything to anyone else about this incident right now - but I would say to the boyfriend that you appreciate he was drunk but if he ever gropes you again, drunk or sober, you’re telling everyone.

I don’t mean this nastily, but is there a possibility that he could have mistaken you for your cousin? If he was drunk enough he might have thought it was her neck he was nuzzling

I don't think so, she is blonde, I am a brunette, she is much taller than me and I am much bigger than her in dress size.

Highly inappropriate and wrong of him but I don’t think this sounds like ‘a pass’.

Hmm. If you do this put in a text to him and screen shot it plus any response just in case he reversed the accusations.

But to be honest I would go to the cousin. I wouldn't approach it as 'omg your bf sexually assaulted me' I would act concerned that he 'acts out of character' when he's been drinking and asking her if everything is ok.

Let her draw it out of you that he made you uncomfortable and you 'don't want to make a big deal out of it be you don't want it happening again.'

I know it's unfair but this is the approach I would use to attempt to retain a relationship with my cousin and avoid getting shot as a messenger. She deserves to know what he's like and to look for red flags. Maybe there have been some and she needs a reality check.

I am also not sure I would class this as a pass, more someone being inappropriately over-affectionate when drunk.

He nuzzled your neck, he didn’t try to kiss you on the mouth or grab your boobs or make an untoward suggestion. I have friends whose husbands can be a bit over-cuddly at times when sloshed but they are not actually trying to get in my pants. Likewise me and my girlfriends can sometimes be very affectionate after a few wines but we aren’t about to start a lesbian affair!

I think you do need to get clear with yourself about whether you really believe it was a pass, or just someone being a bit too full-on. If the latter, make it clear that he’s overstepping if he ever does it again (“Oi, Julian, take it easy mate, that’s a bit much for me”) but you don’t need to make an incident out of it.

I think this is a brilliant way of doing it.

I dont think you can say he made a pass at you though sounds like he was definitely over familiar . It sounds like you've known him a long time. Is it normal for you to hug and kiss in a friendly way? If so I'd put it down to the drink but be very wary of him in future and stamp out any further incidents very quickly

Do you really think he was making a pass or just being overly affectionate in a sloppy drunk way - some people do get like this when drunk! I would just be wary and wait and see what he's like in the future. I wouldn't say anything to your cousin - she probably wouldn't take it well and it could cause a rift.

I would go absolutely cold if someone groped/nuzzled me like that. I’d never look at him the same way again. I agree with @Cerialkiller above.

That doesn't sound like a pass to me.

I don’t think he made a pass at you. I think he’s a sloppy drunk who becomes overly affectionate. I know a few people (men and women) like that.

I don't want cousin to end up with a man who makes passes at her family

He was just a bit over affectionate when he was pissed, he hasnt made a pass at anyone. Its very easy to overstep personal boundaries when you're pissed. I understand it was uncomfortable for you but it doesn't sound at all like there was any intention behind it or that this is a man thats going to be running around trying to get off with everyone in her family. I wouldn't say anything to her.

Are you sure it was sexual, that he was not just being drunkenly over friendly? Some folks when drunk love everyone and do that.

if you’re sure it was sexual and he was suggesting sex then you need to speak to her.

I’m not sure, it sounds to me like he was an over affectionate drunk.

however I certainly will never not beleive the victim, so am asking the op, if she is sure he was being sexual with her and suggesting they get together physically when he did it, and wasn’t just being a sloppy affectionate drunk.

That's exactly what I was about to say. In his drunken buffoonish way he thought he was being affectionate and matey, touchy feely in a friendly way, not a sexual way.

It was poorly judged and clumsy but I don't think it was a 'pass'.

I'd ignore it.

At least that's the way you've made it sound. But I think as a woman, we tend to know instinctively, deep down, when something like this definitely feels sexual in nature and when it doesn't.

Id ignore it - did it feel sexual? His comment "I'm so happy to be part of the family" doesn't sound like he was proposing sex or trying to get with you. But equally, kissing your neck is a bit weird. I have a female friend who kisses everyone on the cheek/neck etc when drunk and is overly affectionate. But she's not making passes at anyone - it's actually a really hard one without knowing exactly what happened!! Did you feel like he was trying to get with you?

People keep using the word 'grope' but the OP didn't say he groped her. He wrapped his arms around her in a hug from behind. That's a very different thing, maybe a tad inappropriate in this instance, but not really the definititon of groping.

I think the question about it being sexual is important, only you can say if you think that’s what was going on. If it wasn’t, it’s inappropriate and out of order but a different kettle of fish.

I would forget about this. He was just smashed and being a bit soppy.

It doesn't matter what his intent was. OPs feeling matter too. She was touched without her consent and was made to feel uncomfortable. As women we shouldn't be expected to just take this shit because 'he didn't mean it like that'.

Good for you for always believing the victim but plenty of women who are invested in a relationship will believe their man over another woman, an abused child, a previous partner etc We've seen it on mumsnet often enough.