Single mum now has cqncer - I’ve always hosted play dates in the past

[newmonthnewme]

Is it unreasonable for me to expect a little bit more support from my daughter's classmates? My daughter is in a very small class with eight other girls. For the last two years, I've always said I am fine to pick the other girls up, have them over for playdates, etc., because I work school hours, term time only, they're always welcome at our house, my daughter is an only child. A year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. The other parents pray for me and know what's going on, but don't ever invite my daughter over for a playdate. I've had a horrific six months of chemo and I'm now ready to take my daughter back and forth. The parents, instead of inviting my daughter to their house for playdates, expect me to host them. I understand that I've made this part of my problem by being too accommodating in the past, but I feel it's really unkind, uncharitable and un-Christian from the ones who pray for me. What can I do to change this imbalance? I'm thinking instead of socialising with the school parents, that my daughter would be better off socialising with the children of my own friends who actually show me some consideration.

YANBU, you find out who the kind and caring people are at times like this. It doesn’t matter that you’re not super close, the fact is they’ve considered you close enough to pick up and look after their children, the least they could’ve done is offer the same in return.

That's terrible. Socialise with whoever you want.

Awful behaviour but I think you could now ask them to reciprocate, and form the habit of once at yours, once at theirs.
Hope you are recovering.

I can totally understand why you are feeling that way. Plenty of people will say they don't owe you anything (which is true) but in my world you help people out, especially when they've helped you and when they're struggling.

I really hope you are doing ok ❤️

Have you asked directly? The worst they can say is no. I’d add in that you’re knackered and in need of a couple of hours rest.

100% YANBU on here, which definitely tells you something!
I’m so sorry the other parents aren’t being supportive, OP. Do you know what, you’ve earned the right to be a bit fucking cheeky to them!
’No, I won’t actually be hosting your child, because I am understandably wiped out from the cancer and was hoping you could take a turn.’
Shame them!
Very best wishes to you, OP.

Just don’t invite them over. If they wanted to have your dd over or could host play dates, they would invite her. I’m not a single mum, but I do have cancer. I don’t host play dates anymore. It’s too tiring. I need to rest in those after school hours and on the weekends we’re busy and Dh often takes them out so I can have a nap. I will drive my older one places with her friends (she’s in secondary), but I don’t have anyone over these days. It’s just too much.

Depending on how old your dd is, I’ve found that play dates before 9/10 are quite rare. My 8 year old maybe gets invited to 4 a year. My 13 year old nearly every week. It’s different when they’re older.

But I would simply stick to your boundaries. If you can’t host, you can’t host. But you also don’t know what’s going on for other people either. They may also be unwell or struggling but not so open about it.

I will definitely say though that in 2 years of living with cancer, I’ve never had one of dc’s friends parents offer to help me with anything. Life has continued as normal. I just do less and they offer play dates as often as they always did. For most people, I think the perception is that cancer lasts like 3 months while the initial shock wears off and people mostly forget you have it.

Have you asked any of the school mums to help? If your daughter likes her classmates from school then ask their parents to have her over. They're just continuing the habit that you started, and rightly or wrongly don't know that you're no longer happy to host.

You can send one message then take it from there, no need to go scorched earth before talking to them.

"I really need to rest as much as possible and would appreciate if you could have Melissa over to play after school / at the weekend sometime. Thank you"

I did ask directly yesterday - one of the mums suggested a play date on Friday afternoon with our daughters- she messaged on Wednesday. She’s been “praying for me” for the last 6 months but she lives 2 streets away and has never had my daughter over. I said “thanks so much, I’ll drop DD to you at 1 pm and collect her at 5pm” (I have her address from previous drop offs), she asked me to wait until 1.30 so she could tidy the house, I told her no need to tidy for DD, and dropped her at 1.30. I didn’t need this mum’s prayers, I needed some compassion and friendship for DD. They are so close. Previously this mum had asked me to ferry her parents staying from her home country to and from school events as she doesn’t have room in her car!

YANBU OP and wishing you a speedy recovery. I think you are going to have to be direct here, perhaps put in a prayer request with them for a good Samaritan who can give your DD some company away from your house to give you both a well needed break.

Oh well done for being assertive - keep it up with the other parents too.