DH and work trips

[cinderswithahorse]

I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable but my dh’s job allows for lots of work trips overseas - usually in nice places. I’m just starting to feel a bit put out. No younger children for me to care for and Dd still at home but how many is too many?

A lot of questions asked by the responders in this post but you’ve not replied?

If it’s his job - then so be it. Are you insecure that you think he is having an affair on these trips? If not, just support the fact that he’s doing everything he can to give you and your family a good life.

You do realise he's working, not wandering around museums and living the high life...I had a job that took me all over the UK....you end up living out of a suitcase, watching crap TV in a hotel room the size of a prison cell and eating average food on your own.

You'd hate it.

I have gone a few times with my husband and we have had a great time

He’s not going on holiday. Work trips aren’t as fun as they sound. They’re pretty lonely actually.

DH used to travel once a month for work when DC were little. I never minded. I now travel one week in four. It’s disruptive but it’s my job. I usually get about an hour if I’m lucky to have a wander round wherever I am, otherwise it’s trains, planes, hotel rooms and meetings. It’s still unclear what your issue is. If I were given a choice and could do my level of job without travel (and without it impacting my ability to do my job or my pay) I would. As it is, we all suck it up. Nobody likes it much but we’re all ok.

Why would you feel left out of somebody else’s job?

What job does he do?
I’m a bit confused how they’re not essential.

Did he have this job before you had children?

Could you book trips and go with a friend when he’s home to look after DC?

I can see why you’d feel resentful if you’re doing the majority of the parenting but if it’s his job then I’m not sure what the answer would be.

Why can’t you go with him if you don’t have young children at home?

I’d say as often as needed if it’s his job and there’s no reasons at home he can’t go. If your asking how often he should go on a jolly without his family it depends on does it cost anything, does he use annual leave? If no then maybe once every few months. As long as it doesn’t impact on family or your hols together

I have to travel for work. Sometimes first class to amazing locations (and other times much less glamorous). DH is at home looking after kids and dog while managing his own work too. I feel guilty especially as we don't have a family holiday sorted out this year yet but I love my job and it pays well. It's better for us all, but I do feel conflicted enjoying a bit of luxury when I know he's knee deep in PE kits and poo bags. I do find the actual work side of the trips high pressure, I will add, and I do miss him, kids and pup in my nice hotel rooms. I'd always prefer us to be together!

Trying to understand - they are not actually trips for work, but are social/networking ones, like a 5 day trip to the Hong Kong Sevens or a corporate entertainment invite to the Miami GrandPrix? If the latter, then I think you can reasonably sit with him and state that you feel more than two jollies a year (and, even if he is ‘networking’, they are jollies), unless he agrees to take you on some of them too - as usually for overseas trips spouses are often included in the invites and it feels as though he is excluding you. Additionally I think they are a taxable benefit if client funded and usually most firms require you to get HR permission to ensure that all benefits and freebies from clients are logged. MY DH has to do this as they ensure that the ‘treats’ are spread across all members of a function and not taken up by one individual manager.

If they are business conferences, however, and he is there at the expense of his company and representing them, then I think you need to ask whether he can decline to go and recommend another team member go occasionally. My DH does this as, frankly, they become very samey and are rather draining. He should have to agree with his management how many he should attend - and again, there are usually guidelines by HR as these too (if they involve travel outside work hours, five start hotels etc) begin to fall foul of taxable benefits so I would be surprised if he was going on lots and lots in the company’s dime - depending on his industry?

In all circumstance, I think you need to sit down with him and clarify what type of trip they are, who is paying, who is attending, whether spouses can be/are included in the invitations, how does he expense them and whether HR/Management authorise them. That level of transparency should be the norm in a functioning marriage.

1. I amazed work pays for non-essential staff on such trips. Can he really say no? Is he asking to go himself? Is he making a judgement over work and personal life balance, or just gladly going on jolly's?
2. You and he need to agree what is 'appropriate' number of trips and understand more when he needs to make decisions. Perhaps agree to discuss each trip before he agrees to go?
3. He needs to be better at deciding what trips to do anyway, so that it is not you vs him.
4. He needs to understand the pressure this puts on family life.

This is coming from someone who has spent 20 years having to travel UK, Europe and Asia for work. I have never been on a 'jolly', but there also was opportunity to discuss what was a 'must' with boss and what I could pass on to someone else to deliver. I was painfully aware of the impact it had on OH and my kids, and regularly found it difficult to be sat with a client in Florence sinking a nice red wine over a lovely meal with the sun setting while OH was getting tired kids through bedtime routine....

I’m still unclear on what ‘connected to work but not essential’ actually means though.
Is it more like team building and making connections than actually ‘doing work’ while he is there? Would he be disadvantaged in his job if he didn’t go? Do they pay for it?
Unless you have kids together I don’t think it’s for you or us to say how often is too often. If it feels like too often for you then you are perfectly within your rights to say so and to make decisions about whether this the right relationship for you. It’s a personal thing. For me personally, anything more than a weekend away every couple of months would feel excessive. I realise that some people would be fine with their partner being away every other weekend or more, others would think a few times a year was too much.
Do you have reason not to trust him on these trips OP?

I travel for work every month, to some quite nice places - mostly europe but possibly south Africa next month. Other than getting some nice dinners, it's a lot of work, with early starts, late finishes and having to try and keep on top of my normal admin tasks in any free moment. Work travel is very rarely just a jolly.

If you are considering having kids, it is something to talk about.
Many people don't mind, especially if they have other support. Others would not want a child with someone who is away more than X times-but only you can say what X is. If you're unhappy, you would need to get him to agree with his boss how often he goes after the baby arrives, or look for another job if his boss won't compromise.

OP have you ever travelled for work? In most cases it's very tiring, and I'd rather be at home. It's very rare that there is any downtime. Unless he is being flown first class and taken to sporting events or similar, I don't think you're missing out.

My DH travels a lot for work and to lots of lovely places but it’s work and it’s not fun so I would never be jealous of him (or complain to him about it as it’s his job that funds our lifestyle). Even if he can do some sightseeing, he’s doing it on his own and it’s not as fun as with family. I purposely changed jobs so as not to have to travel regularly to New York, Cape Town and Jackson Hole as work travel is not fun.

But it’s his job, how can you feel left out for his job?

and are you being completely honest by saying they are only linked to his job? I’d hazard a guess he goes for work reasons.

if you’re bored, lonely, jealous then go sort yourself out, but feeling left out as he works is not ok.

I travel regularly for my work. It’s long days, yes nice dinners, some team building stuff. Just usual work crap. I’d be horrified if my husband said I couldn’t go, or wanted to come with me. I’m not sure our marriage would survive. I’m a grown up and don’t need some needy hanger on.

he also travels for work, I’d rather chew my own foot off than go with him, like some billy no mates hanger on.

Extend it either side sure, have a holiday together,

op, I’m guessing you’ve never travelled to work, are bored and lonely and just are thinking oh he’s off to x, lucky him, with no idea what’s involved. A fair comparison would be like in his normal office with work events in the evening with the team or clients.

You’re human, of course at times you’re going to feel resentful when he’s in somewhere sunny and lovely and you’re stuck somewhere rainy and cold. People who claim they wouldn’t feel the same at some point are lying to themselves.

I think the real question here is not that he’s working away. It’s what that means to you. Is he working away when he doesn’t have to? Could he spend more time with you at home if he wanted to but he’s choosing to take work abroad? Do you think anything untoward is going on when he’s away? These are perhaps the issues that need addressing.

Like others have suggested if you’re able go with him sometimes do that. Yes he’ll be working, but you’ll still see more of him than if you didn’t go with him. If you suspect there’s anything untoward going on then why not surprise him at his hotel as a romantic treat- his reaction will tell you a lot.

Wow, it really might surprise you but some couples enjoy spending as much time together as possible. It’s not needy to want to spend time together, especially in an interesting destination. Going on the odd work trip with your partner is just the same set up as being at home? They/you work, they/you try out the hotel gym or go shopping and then catch up again at some point in the evening maybe for dinner, maybe not. But you get the closeness of sleeping together in the same bed at the end of the night. Life is short enough as it is, why spend nights apart when you don’t need to?