to think childcare still defaults to mums in many families?

[stressy1]

I don’t mean all men before anyone jumps on me, but I’ve seen it enough to feel like it’s a pattern.

There’s always some reason why they can’t do certain things. Work, being tired, not knowing how, the kids prefer mum, etc. Somehow it just ends up defaulting back to the woman.

I’ve got friends whose husbands suddenly find loads of extra DIY to do in the evenings, or jobs that conveniently take them out of the house right when everything needs doing with the kids.

I know dads at work who will deliberately stay later, dragging things out so they get home once the kids are already in bed and all the hard work is done.

Even when both parents work, it still seems to be mums doing the school runs, staying off when the kids are ill, remembering everything, sorting everything.

It’s just accepted as normal, or framed as the woman being better at it. Even like schools choosing to call the mums when the DC are sick rather than the dads.

It’s 2026. Why are we still acting like childcare is mainly the mum’s responsibility?

Because patriarchy.

Because for many decades men didn’t have to do this, many watched the men of their father’s generation shirk childcare so it goes against the grain to be asked to do it and they resent it.

Because in most households the man tends still to be the main breadwinner and it’s much easier for the argument to be made that the wife’s career aspirations can take a back seat when children come along.

Because workplaces are still fairly inflexible about work/life balance.

Because some are open sexist pigs and can’t be arsed but a much larger subset pretends to be progressive and supportive but only so far as it doesn’t curtail their job/golf/football/pub. It’s virtually impossible for a woman to have those sorts of barriers without being accused of being a bad mother.

Its shit. But this is why its so important to keep your hand in at work. Its the only bulwark you have against being forced to do nothing other than childcare and housework.

YANBU

"My husband works long hours" is such a common reason given on MN.

Yes of course he fucking does, because you're there busting a gut and taking care of his responsibilities as well as your own.

Not in our family. I actually don’t work (due to chronic illness). Dh is a company director who carries the stress of bringing in all our income. He was with the dc all day yesterday, did the food shopping, dropped one off for a sleepover, cooked dinner. I had a hospital appointment and then I went to bed. Today, I did do some taxiing around to activities in the morning, but now he’s taken them out for the afternoon so I can rest. He’ll cook dinner when he gets home. Tomorrow he’s taking them out to meet MIL to do something, so will be with them all day and back for dinner.

I will pick back up on Monday as he’ll be busy with work the first part of the week. But will be off with them Thursday/Friday and then probably most of next weekend. I usually do the cooking and the school runs, but Dh does the bulk of the driving around and takes them out part of every weekend or holiday day to give me a chance to nap (otherwise I crash out before we get to bedtime). But this has always been how it’s been. There’s generally no sitting down or dicking off somewhere while the other does everything, unless one of us is unwell (which unfortunately I happen to be at the moment). But we went into family life with careers we were passionate about and hobbies we enjoyed and we work together to make sure we both have support to continue being who we are, even though we’re parents. That was just the deal and we’re both happy with that.

Hence saying I don’t mean all men.

Because for many decades men didn’t have to do this, many watched the men of their father’s generation shirk childcare so it goes against the grain to be asked to do it and they resent it.

I think there is a lot of truth in this. A lot of men were left alone to work and have lots of free time. It is causing a lot more conflict now that men are expected to do more hence pulling the I won't go home from work until the DC in bed trick and other weaponised incompetence. Some will even go as far as letting the child suffer so the woman steps in.