Sister going behind my back

[Ihopeyougetwetsocks]

Hi all, I could really do with some outside perspective because I feel quite shaken and I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable.

I have a young son and I’ve been clear with my sister that I don’t want photos of him on Instagram. It’s not something I’m comfortable with and I’ve said that directly to her before.

She then blocked me on Instagram… but has carried on posting photos of him anyway. I only found out because I saw them on someone else’s phone, which felt really unsettling.

There’s some context that makes this feel bigger than just social media. I have a difficult history with my ex involving court and issues around boundaries and information being used against me. Because of that, I’m very careful about what’s shared and who has access to things about my son and our lives. In the past, information has been passed around or used in ways that have made things very difficult. There's been stalking, multiple court hearings, malicious accusations to children's social care.

My sister is now making contact with my son's dad to make arrangements (on my weekend!) involving my son which I find really worrying because of the way he uses information about me.

She sees him regularly at my parents’ house after school each week, so it’s not a distant relationship, and that’s part of what makes this feel complicated.

I just can’t get past the fact that I’ve said no, been blocked, and it’s carried on anyway. It feels like I’ve been completely cut out of decisions about my own child.

I want to send a really firm message saying this isn’t acceptable and that if she can’t respect it, I’m not comfortable with her having unsupervised time with him. But I also know that won’t be received well and I’ll likely be painted as the difficult one in the family and my parents will be livid with me for raising it.

Would you send a message in this situation?

I think I just need some neutral views because I feel a bit stuck with it.

Sorry you’ve been through all that and that you have a prick of a sister in addition to everything. I hate when people post pics of children on social media, especially against the wishes of the parents.

Even without all the history of stalking, you are perfectly reasonable and within your rights to decide that you don’t want pictures of your child on social media - especially when it seems like your sister is actually using this as a way of upsetting you.

You have done nothing wrong here and I would be absolutely cutting contact with your sister and not allowing her to see your son. If your family take her side, well that’s sad, but it’s their choice and their loss if it means they don’t get to see you and your son anymore 💕.

Well you don’t have to allow your ex contact on your weekend.

However, I suspect they will both hugely enjoy the idea they are winding you up. There is nothing you can do about ex giving sister access to your child during his contact time, unless you can prove in court she’s a danger to him, which seems unlikely from what you have posted.

My advice is pretend you don’t know/don’t care/whatever. The more you ignore it, the more quickly they should tire of this behaviour.

This is also good advice. It does seem as though they’re both getting kicks out of annoying you in this way and using your son to do it (pair of freaks), but maybe playing them at their own game is the best way. I understand how infuriating it is, though.

Why is she posting photos of your child? For whose benefit? Is she taking the photos herself at your parents? I don’t understand why you assume your parents would be livid at you?

very simple - family rule, not just re your sister - NO ONE is permitted to post photos of your child on social media and any and all existing posts need to be taken down. more importantly all communications to the ex are to be done by you. I’d have the conversation in person next time you’re all at your parents.

Your sister is either completely thick or relishing the drama.

For clarity, she's contacting my ex to make arrangements on my weekends with my son, not his. Which I suspect is to really upset me.

I don’t really understand how she can make arrangements with your child with your ex when he isn’t in his care? Which suggests it’s more about a reaction rather than anything else.
I think you’re going to have to severely limit any time she spends with your child unsupervised, which is going to mean stopping using your parents for childcare. Your sister is a prick. I’m sorry you’ve got landed with her as a sister

Well clearly that’s not going to happen and is being done just to wind you up. Tell ex you don’t want messages from her passed on. You aren’t interested and such messages will be deleted and ignored.

Wow, with sisters like that who needs enemies?

If your sister lives with your parents and has access to your son when your parents babysit for you, you should pull the plug on all of them. Tell your parents your sister is putting you at risk, therefore she can no longer see your son. Your parents are welcome to visit your son at your house.

She is using your son as a weapon to hurt you - so take the weapon off her.

OP I assume your sister sees your son at your parents home as they are doing some after school care- is that so? So to stop your sister from taking and posting pictures of your son you would need your parents willingness to enforce this. Or to be willing and able to make alternative arrangements if your parents won’t. Honestly, I would, but If you can’t or won’t then im afraid you are just going to have to suck it up and ignore it as previous posters have said. Clearly your sister is doing this to cause trouble so don’t play into her hands.
Regarding your sister making arrangements with you ex on your weekends, I’d have no contact with ex other than agreeing drop off / pick up details then you won’t be aware of sister’s attempts to plan on your weekends. Or if ex contacts you about sister’s plans, push back that that is your weekend and none of his concern.

Your sister is a truly horrible person and is actively working against you with your ex and likely trying to turn your son against you and sadly your parents are supporting it. I’m really sorry, this is absolutely disgusting behaviour and I’d seriously consider cutting them all off as it seems they’re favouring your ex over you.

I want to send a really firm message saying this isn’t acceptable and that if she can’t respect it, I’m not comfortable with her having unsupervised time with him. But I also know that won’t be received well and I’ll likely be painted as the difficult one in the family and my parents will be livid with me for raising it

Well I think it’s clear how you ended up in an abusive relationship OP. Your sister is colluding with your stalker and you are expecting your parents to take her side.

WTF.

You deserve better and I hope some day you’ll have a future free from the lot of them.

This.

I wouldn’t allow my sister to see my son on my time, but there is nothing you can do about the photo posting or contact during ex’s time. I would say this isn’t a hill to die on- they are going to be really antagonistic so I would create your own firm boundaries now

How does that work then? Your ex arranges for your sister to spend time with your child on your weekend? Do they come to your house to collect him or do you take your son to your ex's house? Whatever is happening, you can just stop doing it and say no.

Unfortunately, you can't mandate what happens on your ex's time with your son but you absolutely can refuse to allow your son to do stuff with your ex and your sister on your weekends.

Your sister sounds absolutely awful btw. She's a manipulative shit-stirring trouble maker. What do your parents think?

ETA that I've just seen that your parents would blame you for causing trouble. I'm sorry that you have such an awful family who should be supporting you and your son, not taking the side of your dangerous ex.

You can request that Instagram removed photos of your child, so that might be a good first step.

would your parents understand your concerns? The nuclear option is warning them that if they can’t keep your sister away from your son, you will use alternative childcare and any future contact with your son will only be with your supervision. However, you would have to be prepared to follow through and it is likely to damage your relationship with your parents.

Ultimately, you can’t control what other people do, so you need to consider what steps you’re willing to take and consequences you’re willing to accept to get the outcome you want.

How old is your son? How does she get to say what he does on your weekends? Does she provide weekend childcare for you? If so I would stop that immediately.

I'm sorry to have to say this but your parents are as awful as your sister. Do they do child care for you? If so, would you be able to afford to pay for after-school club or a childminder?

Your ex isn't a safe or reasonable person and, by supporting him, neither are your parents or your sister. I can't get my head around the sort of parents and siblings that would take the side of an abusive stalker over their own daughter/sister.

Thanks so much everyone for your comments, it’s made me feel a lot more self-assured about this.

I think part of why I’ve been second guessing myself is because of the wider family dynamic. My sister holds a very particular position in the family and I’ve often ended up as the one everything gets projected onto — like I’m the “difficult” one — which means things don’t get properly looked at or challenged. It’s easier to frame me that way than for anyone to really reflect on what’s going on.

Reading your responses has helped me step back and see this more clearly for what it is.

I am going to send a message to her. I won’t lie, I do feel quite scared doing it because I’ve never really been allowed to have clear boundaries without backlash, so this feels like a big shift for me. Fingers crossed!

Thanks all

Well make sure she can't follow through on those plans. Ignore her and reduce contact as much as possible, she will get bored.
Might be worth letting your parents know.