My family seem to be short of friends

[Sweetpea70]

Please don't flame me for being over invested in my adult dc's lives. I worry about them being lonely when they're older. Both seem to have drifted away from their friends after moving from home to new areas.
Dd, 30, has partner, one child & a pressured full time job. Her only friends are her male work friends. She would love a gang of girl friends. Her partner still has his friends to socialise with, but she has no one.
Ds, 27, is in the military & has just come home from a long deployment. He has no plans to meet up with old friends before he goes back to his normal Uk station. He doesn't talk about his feelings that much but says he's happy enough, has military mates. It's quite a male dominated station. As far as I know he's never had a girlfriend.
Dh has friends who he could socialise with, but they go out drinking a lot & he can't keep up. My family are all quite quiet people really & depend on me for socialising.
I'm a lot noisier & have a good set of friends, who I love to go out with til the early hours. I feel guilty just going out & leaving dh at home alone & ds when he's here; but I feel so trapped staying at home. Dh does not share my interest in going to see bands & going out out. He quite enjoys having the house to himself if I'm on a jolly with my friends.
Ds should not be stuck in the house with his dad, getting old before his time. He should be out there, having fun. He is saving for a house deposit & it costs a fortune to go out.
How can I help them to widen their circles? If it wasn't for me they would become hermits.
Dh & I are more like housemates now too. I met someone last month who I had a real connection with and we share a love of music. If I wasn't married I'd have seen him again. I can't bear the thought of hurting my family so I stay. I still love dh very much, but not in a romantic way anymore.

Oof there’s a lot going on here.

You don’t stop worrying about your adult dc but you also don’t get to run their lives for them. Also they might be nice and say ‘I’d love to do x like you do mum’ without really meaning it. My mum was a massive traveller and I was very interested in her travels without really wanting the same myself - no regrets.

As for feeling trapped at home - you sound on a journey post child rearing that is leading you away from your Dh. That might not be the end of the world but if you don’t want that, you might need to make some changes. Is there anything you do with your Dh that you can prioritise a bit more?

@PermanentTemporary dd does complain that her partner does socialise without her, but she gets to do nothing, so I do feel she needs to widen her circle if she's missing out. I won't be around forever so what does she do then? Or if she ever split from partner?( that is not on the cards thankfully)
Dh & I still enjoy family times together, our holidays & couples socialising. I need to let my hair down with my own friends though on a regular basis. I have tried the live music & festivals with dh, but it's not the same. He has tried to enjoy it but I know he'd rather not be there. The telling point was when we were emerging from lockdown. I was making plans with friends as well as with him, but he wasn't doing the same. He did feel a bit lonely & down when that hit home.

Kindly, perhaps they are happy as they are.

Many people prefer not to go out drinking and clubbing etc and are happier on their own or with family. Your DS and DH are happy doing their own thing. I think it’s down to personality.

If your daughter wants more friends then she has to find them.

In terms of your marriage, it sounds like you have just drifted apart. You literally want the opposite from each other. I have seen this in people particularly those who had their children relatively young. Once the children are adults, I think people either think ‘that’s it, I can let my hair down’ or ‘that’s it, time to chill”.

OP you sound gregarious but your family are different. Let them each find their own way and concentrate on your life , in particular your marriage.

I think this is quite mean: Dh & I are more like housemates now too. I met someone last month who I had a real connection with and we share a love of music. If I wasn't married I'd have seen him again. I can't bear the thought of hurting my family so I stay. I still love dh very much, but not in a romantic way anymore.. You are staying with him for convenience but you don’t have romantic feelings for him. I would hate to be married to someone who viewed me and our relationship that way. Fine if you both feel that way, but to know that you need to discuss it with each other.

not everyone wants friends or need socialisation to the same extent you might.
Im 30. I remember when I was 20 having friends REALLY mattered to me. I felt almost a bit jealous when my (much more sociable and extroverted) “best friend” would start hanging out loads with a new friend, I’d feel a lot of FOMO if there was a meet up of a friend group I couldn’t be at. Now I’ve got far less friends. In all honesty I’d rather spend the weekend in the company of my own daughter, seeing her develop, learn new things, going out for lunch as a family with my husband, visiting my own mum. In fact I’ve recently been on a weekend trip to Paris with my mum and it was so much more wholesome and fun than any trip with friends I could imagine - she’s my mum, of course I want to do these trips with her! I still see friends, but quite often when it’s my friends from pre-mum days, my schoolmates or girls from uni, old jobs etc… I do it to keep up the friendship but often don’t love it, feel like cancelling in the days leading up to it and sometimes see it almost like a chore that I’ve ticked off the list

Yes, I agree it does sound very mean. I feel so sad saying it. We do still love each other & still enjoy a lot of our life together. We have the same wishes for our retirement too, which is a good decade away yet.
I think I've got a touch of limerance, the grass isn't always greener.

It's great that you have an active social life and are outgoing, but not everyone is like that. Some people like the quiet life and dont need lots of people and events to be happy, it's draining and exhausting to them.
Why are you wanting then/encouraging them to be like you?
Why can't you accept them for who they are?
Being like them, I always distance myself from people who can't accept me for being quiet af try and force me to be more social, outgoing etc. It's almost like they feel uncomfortable that others who aren't like them, and it unsettles them, and they want to change them to validate their own way.
Neither way is right or wrong OP, both are perfectly fine ways to live, just different. You go and enjoy your way, and let them enjoy their way.

dd does complain that her partner does socialise without her, but she gets to do nothing

She doesn't "get" to do nothing. She is an adult woman and has agency over her life. It would appear as though you were in a habit of sorting lives out for your children and your daughter feels, yet again, that someone needs to be there to sort it out for her. In the actual fact, she is an adult and if she wanted to do something she should well do it. Nothing stops her from joining a social hobby, an evening class, a local meetup...
I am fairly hermit-like but I moved into a new area nine months ago and very quickly built up a network of people around me through social hobbies. And my mum didn't think it was her job to "help me" to do that.

Wow... why do you think that your social life is better than theirs? I'm 32 and staying out all hours sounds absolutely horrific to me. I'd much rather stay home 😂 My DH goes out socialising but has recently reduced the length of time he's gone because he doesn't want to drink so much as his peers or just can't be arsed sometimes. There's nothing wrong with our lives...

Your son has a typical army lifestyle. His old friends don't have much in common with him anymore. His army colleagues are basically family now... he lives with them, shares daily life with them, socialises with them, was deployed with them. Some of the best friendships come from being so close to army comrades. I moved away from my hometown at 21.... and I only see maybe 1 old friend twice a year now when I visit. I just have nothing in common with the others anymore and we don't keep in touch throughout the year so why would I socialise with them? Again, nothing wrong, childhood friends don't need to be lifelong friends.

Yulour daughter has what I take it is a young child... honestly life just changes when you have young kids. She'll get her life back in a few years when it's easier to go out and she'll meet new friends in the area, if she wants them. There's nothing wrong with her DH socialising. Maybe you could offer to stay and babysit so they can socialise together more?

The part about you and DH being like roommates... you either want to work on your marriage for the sake of the marriage (not your adult kids with lives of their own) or you want to see if the grass is really greener on the other side (in this instance I take it you were out at an event you enjoyed, your DH wouldn't enjoy, possibly had a few drinks and there was a man who showed a bit of interest?... I probably wouldn't want to ruin an otherwise good marriage for that vision).

It’s a massive issue for men - lots of articles and articles research into this atm. Mankeeping where a woman is expected to provide the function of a partner and friends is an issue for a lot of women.

Some people are introverted and quiet this is ok!! My oldest very introverted her biggest annoyance is extroverts thinking there is something wrong with not " wanking your money on poision" (going drinking) my oldest son prefers to read journal meditate and birdwatch than club..he has one true friend he has has since he was 11. He is mote than happy this way. Each to their own

You can just stay out of there business.

Everyone you described there is an adult and your adult children don’t need you meddling in their personal lives.

Next you’ll be deciding to set them up with someone’s single daughter/son because they should settle down. You start now and it will never end. Just let them get on with it. Enjoy your life. Stop being nuisance.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. I’m very sociable and have lots of friends from every stage of my life, whereas my sister is the complete opposite. My mum made endless efforts to help her make new friends, but at the end of the day, she is who she is—you can’t change her.
I’d say just go and have fun with your friends, and that’s it. My husband has a good group of friends too, but he doesn’t feel the need to see them all the time. He relaxes by listening to music or watching movies, whereas I’m the opposite—I relax by talking to people 😂
So I go out regularly with my friends to have fun, and he gets some peace at home! People are different, and that’s okay.

Ds, 27, is in the military & has just come home from a long deployment and Ds should not be stuck in the house with his dad, getting old before his time. He should be out there, having fun
how on earth is he on r&r and chilling and doing all the madness in the military “getting old before his time”?
dh was in army when we met and he was absolutely not getting old before his time…
what’s he in?

Enjoy having fun with your partner, nights out etc and let your adult children find their way . Not everyone is the same , sounds like you’re projecting your unhappiness on to them.
Enjoy having fun with your oh and with your friends. You don’t need to connect with other men when you’re out and about letting your hair down with your friends .
however if you’re unhappy in your marriage just decide if staying or going is what would be best .

You do know people are different don't you?
I'll happily never go out again and if someone was there saying that was wrong and I should be more like them I would think they are very small minded and oblivious.

People are different and your DC sound like normal adults. My ds at 18 is far different to me at 18. He is happily single and never wants to drink alcohol. He would never go "out out" and I'm just happy he knows his own mind. He's also saved a lot of money.

I'm in my late 30s and we got peer pressured into so much; drinking, going out, dating.

I personally still like the odd night out with friends but I've never had a big girl group and I think when you have children and change jobs your circle changes over the years. Let your DC live their own lives and make their own way.