AIBU to contact widow to share memories and photos of deceased friend?

[Hedgehoggin]

My head is a bit all over the place. I had a very close friend at school. We did everything together and were very close. In our twenties our friendship ended. I had been mentally unwell as a result of some pretty heavy personal circumstances and spent some time in hospital. Thankfully I recovered and I’ve been well since, but sharing the news of my hospital stay and circumstances with my friend resulted in her being upset that I hadn’t told her about what had happened to me sooner and her then spreading my personal information to mutual friends and then ghosting me. It was incredibly hurtful, she was totally unsupportive and we didn’t speak again after she didn’t admit to how she really felt about me and then didn’t invite me to an event but invited everyone else we knew. I was just erased and it was clear she didn’t want me in her life anymore. Like I was dirty because of what I had gone through. Our mutual friends also dropped me like a stone. Writing that makes me feel horrible in all kinds of ways.

Fast forward 20+ years and as time has passed I have often thought of her, remembering her on her birthday and I have wished her well privately. I had considered reaching out to her one day but held back, hoping she would make the first move. I am still hurt by her rejection of me when I was vulnerable and unwell but had thought maybe time had made her realise she had treated me poorly and maybe she was sorry.

Well, any reconciliation is now never going to happen. I found out today that she passed away a few years ago in tragic circumstances. So whenever I have thought of her over the last few years she has actually been deceased.

It’s left me feeling all kinds of ways and I’m not articulating it well. I am incredibly sorry for her and her family. She had children who will now grow up without their Mum. I have so many photos and good memories of our friendship and I was wondering if it would be unreasonable to try to make contact with her husband to offer my condolences and find out whether he would like these, to share with their children as appropriate. I don’t know if he even knows about me at all, and if he does, how this offer will be received. I wouldn’t be discussing why our friendship ended, it would just be to do as stated - offer condolences and share memories. AIBU? God I just feel awful about it. I’m shocked by it, all kinds of feelings have resurfaced and I have realised she died only a few weeks after my Father, at the same hospital. I didn’t even know she lived locally to me (for years she had lived away, as had I). I have cried and feel totally awful.

My husband died when my son was 2 and I absolutely love when people share pics of him before he met me. It definitely helps my son build a more rounded image of who his dad was

No. You don’t know her, haven’t for 20 plus years. Leave them be.

It was a few years ago that she died, so probably ok to contact her husband and offer the photos. Don't make a big deal of it though because none of what happened between you and your friend is his responsibility or problem. Just say you were sorry to hear and you are happy to send photos if he'd like them.

I’m a bit concerned that you’d be doing this for your own therapeutic reasons rather than for the benefit of her family as much as you tell yourself otherwise.

You had a lot of strong feelings towards her and that time of your life, thought of her often without realising she’d died and now you are trying to process your emotions which is natural but I think seeking out her husband so you can talk about her when the friendship ended badly is not a good idea. She chose not to have you involved with her or them. Involving yourself after she’s died seems sneaky, even if that is not your intention.

If you think you have some lovely photos of her (on her own), I would contact her husband online and ask if he wants them sent to him but I’d probably leave it at that.

I can understand your view. I’m sure that the photos and memories of her friends will be enough for her children, on second thoughts. I wasn’t anything to her at the end of the day.

Yes, if I did share any they certainly wouldn’t be of me. They would be of her alone, or with other friends.

Firstly I’m so sorry for what you went through OP. I hope she regretted how she treated you. I hope you are ok now ❤️

How recently did you find out? It’s probably worth taking a few weeks to let it settle in.

Worth looking to see if there is a ‘memory’ page in her name. Sometimes people make them now for people to share the photos and stories along with details of the funeral. Have a look at the much loved website.

There’s no harm in reaching out to share nice memories from pre fall out and pass on your condolences if you can’t find one.

Thankyou for your kind words. I only found out this afternoon, and the friend that told me thought I already knew and felt so awful that I didn’t. Nothing for her to feel bad about at all, I reassured her. I think waiting a while is a good idea. I’m very mindful that this is new information and I’m grieving for my Dad (anniversary of his death coming up in a few weeks) so am feeling very emotional anyway. Isn’t life so strange. I didn’t anticipate that I would be up tonight thinking of my deceased former friend and crying. Our children are the same age and I feel so sad for them.

No, don’t contact them. You would be doing it for you, not as a nice thing for them.

I have been a widow for well over a decade now and I get the occasional photo sent to me of my late husband when people come across them. I find it really selfish and intrusive. Seeing a photo doesn’t make my husband feel closer and I hate that he only exists in photos, so I need to be in control of when I look at them. Having to thank people so that I don’t seem rude, or worse, make them think that I no longer care about my DH, pulls me straight back into feeling like a widow again and I hate it. I would never let my husband down by ignoring his friends, but at the same time I resent them using me as their way of feeling like they’ve done nice thing. The time for strangers sharing photos was in the first couple of years when I still felt widowed 24/7, not years later after I’ve begun to put life back together. I love it when people talk about my husband and share memories in person. I’m not saying I don’t want other people bring him up ever. But it’s a shock I don’t need when someone else forces me back into feeling widowed just because they are missing him or they found a photo.

Sorry for your loss and thankyou for your post. I don’t think I will make contact at all. I’m sure she had friends that have photos to share. I would never just share a photo without asking if someone wanted it in the first place, as I agree that is intrusive.

If you only heard this news so recently OP I don't think you have had time to make a rational decision about this. You will obviously be feeling very emotional.

I think , given how awfully your former friend treated you , it does you great credit and shows what a lovely person you are, that you have thought about her so positively over the years. I honestly think that you risk being hurt a second time if you contact her family. You really have no reason to suppose your contact will be taken kindly and in the spirit with which it is intended.

Do not even think of doing this in person.

Put them in an envelope with a brief sympathy message and explanation of why you have these photos. And send them to her. Only the ones just of her and ina group and the odd one or two with you obviously

Your friend will likely have had a very very different interpretation of what happened and will have told her partner her interpretation of the situation and you.

Send a card and a letter expressing your (belated) condolences, and how you have several happy memories of your time growing up together. You don’t need to go into detail. Maybe add at the end that you have many memories and photos you’d like to share, and then leave the ball in their court.

I wouldn't. Its a shame that she has passed away but she was awful to you when you were ill and a true friend would not have done that.
Best to move on and appreciate those who do care about you, is my opinion x

It's probably not a good idea to send the photos either. They might really upset her family even if you thought it was a kind thing to do. Everybody deals with grief differently and you don't know these people well enough to know how they will react.

I understand the news of your former friend is a shock. The emphasis will always be on how the family feel and not on how you feel. Don't make this about you.

Send them a letter/card if you want. That is enough. I wouldn't even mention the photos.

Under the circumstances you describe, no, I’d say it wasn’t appropriate.
You’ve no idea how your relationship was portrayed by your deceased friend so you might get an unpleasant response which would be upsetting for you. And, if you’re honest, do you really just want to share the photos, or is it more about getting some sort of closure? Whilst understandable, that isn’t something your friends widow should have to be a part of. Keep the memories, and work through your grief separately. Sorry for your loss.

I agree. I had a messy and somewhat confusing situation with a friend, that sounds akin to your story... I have told my husband everything, all the ins and outs. She will have almost certainly told her husband.

Honestly, I’d leave it. Sometimes the past is best left where it is. It would also do no harm to talk this through with a grief counsellor as how you feel is very valid.

As a person who lost her Mum young (I was 8 and she was 28) I would LOVE people to get in touch with me with new photos and stories about her.

These things are like treasure to me.

You must resist the temptation to contact this family.

Your primary reason for wanting to do so is to get closure on a friendship that ended badly. It is entirely inappropriate to put that on a man and his children who are not only grieving, but don't know you.

They will already have their own precious memories of your former friend. They don't need to hear from someone who their wife/mother chose not to include in the last 20 years of her life.

If there is anything she wanted to share with them about you, she will have done so.

You must look to the people who chose to be in your life now to help you through your grief. Leave these strangers alone.

OP if this all happened 20 years ago, I can’t imagine (unless you knew her husband?) that she would have ever mentioned you to him, friends come and go through life, for various reasons. Therefore you reaching out may seem out of the blue? If you do so, do via a message, not in person. I wouldn’t even mention your issues or relationship, just you heard and wondered if he’d like photos you’ve found. However I fear you’d be doing this largely in part for therapeutic reasons and this can’t be remotely about you when you’re engaging with her family. I would personally leave it as memories in the past.

Just to put a different perspective on your original post, yes she’s treated you awfully but perhaps she was very very hurt as it sounds like you went through something considerable and never even told her? Sounds like she expected you would and to learn after the fact she already felt snubbed, before she did what she did.Not excusing her actions but maybe she actually really did care and that’s how she managed her own pain at her perceived rejection of her at that time. I guess you will never know, but either way forgiveness will be healing for you also.

Sorry also to hear your dad’s anniversary is coming up. You’re going through a lot.

I’d absolutely love it if an old friend sent me pics of my Dad when he was younger. I wouldn’t give a hoot that they’d fallen out since. Pop them in a nice little box in the post with a note to say you thought they might like them. Friends drift for all kinds of reasons, no need for all the other details, that was between you guys. This is just a nice thing for the kids. If it makes you feel good in the process - well, that’s ok too. Nice for the kids. Closure for you. All done and dusted.

I think it’s nice to share them.. you could contact her widow and introduce yourself (in a less heavy way than here!) and ask if he’d like the photos. Say you didn’t know she had passed and how sorry you were. Perhaps you could meet for a coffee and show him them in person. I think you both might gain from it. Xo