Std

[TimeSquare]

is it possible that someone caught genital herpes at some point around 20 years ago but says they don’t remember who they had sex with before they got the rash or in what year roughly they got it.

I'd say that it was possible, especially if you were sleeping with a lot of sexual partners.

Yes with genital herpes people quite often don’t know exactly when they caught it. It can be symptomless or mistaken for something else and outbreaks can happen much later. Not remembering the timing or who from isn’t uncommon at all.

would getting a painful rash and going to the hospital (they remember those parts) not be a memorable event and wouldn’t your first thought upon getting the rash be who gave it to you/who you last slept with (even if you had a few people on the go)

I think they would remember who they caught it from. Is this something a partner has just suddenly disclosed ?

Completely typical not to know. The incubation period is quite random compared to most other infections.

Yes I recently found out my partner of many years has it (didn’t disclose it) and now he says despite remembering having a rash and going to the hospital he doesn’t remember what year or who he took it from

I don't believe this at all. Also how could they not disclose something like this to you, if that was what really happened ? How could you ever trust them again ?

I found out 10 years into the relationship when they got symptoms but they still didn’t disclose that they had already been diagnosed before we even met. I have only just found that part out now. Now I have asked for transparency around when and how they got it and they “can’t remember” the year or from who. Just that they went to the hospital at some point with a rash. I don’t think that is possible but I have suffered a lot of gaslighting and shock so I want to ask

I think it is still possible they don’t know. But irrespective, the main issue is that they didn’t tell you, at least before considering unprotected sex

I honestly think contracting herpes would be traumatic for anyone to some extent and you would remember the whole thing well. They don't seem to have said, oh I don't know, because it can take time to show symptoms, simply just saying they don't remember ? I just think whatever's happened you've been treated terribly.

Yes worse still when I found out 10 years and three kids in they blamed me for three years I tested and found out I didn’t have it. They claim they were too ashamed and too scared to lose me. On some level I can understand that but I’m struggling to get passed the fact they don’t want to or are not able to disclose the full facts to me now. At this point we are 16 years into a marriage and with children. I just feel that they are not able to be honest about anything. It’s been a big shock for me

I think it's possible they don't know.

I think it's also possible they don't remember when. There are big things that happened in my life - some I know the exact date, some I know roughly when, e.g. at uni, others I could work out from it happened around the time something was big in the news, but there are still some things where I could probably say it was in my 20s or 30s, but not really be more precise - and I seem to have a better memory about many things than friends or family.

But they knew they had had a diagnosis and chose not to reveal that - that is unacceptable. You cannot make an informed choice about consent if such known things are not shared.

They cannot even say if it was in their 20s or 30s

Completely not believable, unless they have specifically said it may have laid dormant... and that's why they don't know which decade ...
I think your gut is correct and your partner has been dishonest with you and there is no excuse for it. And to blame you, while apparently having a diagnosis, out of shame ? That doesn't give him a right to gaslight and blame you, he could have said oh it could be either of us really... I don't know. I just can't believe your husband could hide something like that for ten years, unless he had little respect for you. Or he just cheated. I think you deserve better.

They still knew they had been diagnosed.

Yeah but he doesn't appear to have referred to that and it's possible he doesn't know that. He seems to have just said oh I contracted it and I don't remember who from

I don’t think he sounds like a very nice man. It can be very painful for some people and he didn’t care at all if he gave it to you. Plus trying to blame it on you even though he’d been diagnosed for years!

I don't know whether he is being truthful or lying to cover his tracks, he has treated you horribly though.
I feel you must be confused and very hurt right now, whatever happens, I wish you well. x

Could it have been from when you first found out? An affair possibly?

No because he gave it to someone else before we met

Why does it matter who gave it to him? In any case, they might have got it from someone else then the partner they were with at the time of the outbreak. The whole thing with herpes is it can be dormant for days, months, years.

The lying is much more of an issue.

Just break up. There's no trust, he's a liar. You don't need to comb through the minor details.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. It doesn’t matter who he got it off or when (presuming it was before you.

The massive issue is that he had a std for ten years, didn’t tell you put you at risk and tried to blame you knowing they had it. Why are you with such an irresponsible toaster who cares so
little for you?

his medical records will tell him when he seen a Dr about it.

😬 disgusting