AIBU to think being ‘kind’ is overrated?

[Thatsthehookyhook]

I am frequently described as ‘kind.’ Apparently I have a kind face and children tend to like me.
I find I get taken advantage of a lot and I’m starting to feel like kind is hugely overrated. In fact I now hate it when someone says I look kind or I’m kind. It’s basically slang for ‘pushover.’

I’ll usually take the worst option and let someone else have the first choice, or I make a lot of allowances for behaviour etc because I can see if from someone else’s perspective. I tend to put myself out a lot but quite often don’t get back what I put in, particularly in friendships and at work.

aibu to wish I wasn’t so ‘kind’ and to think it’s of absolutely no benefit?

The problem here is actually nothing to do with being kind.

it’s actually that you aren’t asserting boundaries.

I think there needs to be a differentiation between being kind and allowing people to walk all over you. I’m always kind where I can be but not if it’s having a detrimental effect on me.

Test the alternative. Put yourself first.

You sound passive. That doesn’t necessarily correlate. I’m kind but I’m no pushover.

Agree.

You can be extremely kind at the same time as having strong boundaries.

I tend to put myself out a lot this sounds like you go far beyond 'kind'.

I totally understand your confusion. Being Nice is the same. It does sound like you are a pushover, that you don’t assert yourself or advocate for your own needs, and you are starting to resent people who take you at your word. DHs whole family are like this. They probably say it’s being polite to put themselves at the end of a queue then complain bitterly that there’s none left for them, and hugely resent the people that ‘took advantage’ and went first 🙄

you can be kind and still assert / value yourself.

“you can be kind and still assert / value yourself.”

This. I actually find people who are overly self-effacing and passive really annoying. Especially as they always seem to expect others to think so highly of them/or insist that they are so very nice.

Nothing wrong with being selfless

I agree with everyone else.

Being kind and being a pushover are not the same thing.
I know lots of kind people who are also assertive and have strong principles.

Being kind doesn't mean being a mug.

That's more of being a people pleaser. If you get a reputation for being the easy one, who puts others first and doesn't grumble or seem to have high demands, then people can often take advantage.

Like they assume you like being last in line for nice things and helping others without reciprocation.

So just make your boundaries clear. Be kind to yourself. Put your own needs first for a change.

It's true that you need to care about yourself first otherwise you're not going to be much use to others.

Not that you should need to be useful to others. Only do things for people if you want to, not because you're worried they'll think bad of you if you don't.

I think being kind is massively.under rated. It's seen as such a nothing description but it's hugely important. When you think about the type of people you want in your life, kindness should rank so highly amongst their attributes.
That said being kind and being a pushover are not one and the same. You can be kind without setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

I disagree. Being instinctively kind is probably one of the greatest gifts and something the world needs more of. Being kind to a fault and finding yourself resenting others is different. I'm the same OP and have gone through phases of feeling bad about myself. It doesn't make you popular or successful. But as life has gone on I feel like I get it back in other ways. I'm nearly 50 now and feel proud of who I am, I feel people see it more too.

I was in a fairly cut throat career in my 20s and felt constantly like everyone was taking the piss and they were..when I tried to assert myself I failed, it was like they could smell my fear. I now work in a caring profession where I am respected for my kind demeanour and where patience is admired. I've learned to assert myself but still struggle a bit with this with old friends and family, on some level I have a fear of people from my earlier life not liking me if i am not a people pleaser because that was who I was when they first got close to me. I'm a work in progress and always will be but I like myself and think I'm a good soul and deserve respect. Liking yourself is so much more important than being liked by others.

Nothing wrong with being kind, but most people find martyrs a bit tedious.

It’s not being kind that’s the problem, it’s being a people pleaser. Put yourself first sometimes!

I don't trust people pleasers
They aren't authentic
They care too much what other think about them

I'm often described as kind.

I've never been a pushover though, not ever.

I look friendly and kind and I AM friendly and kind but I’m definitely not a pushover. My friends and family know that if I’m offering to help with something that it’s a genuine offer and not something that I’m doing begrudgingly. I think it’s unfair to agree to do things when you really don’t want to.

Some of the most two-faced people I ever worked with were apparently 'people pleasers'.

They'd try to keep everyone happy by telling them what they wanted to hear.

No matter how negatively it affected others.

I can see what you're saying OP.
Like a lot of others on here you can be kind without being a pushover.
How many times do people tell you you're kind and you get the feeling that it's slang for being a pushover?
It's all in the way they say it whether or not they're being sincere, or not.
I grew up a people pleaser because I had to be, as I could never please my DPS, but I would help anybody and still will if they need a favour, or if I can help them in any way when they need help.
I guess that's being kind, but I will tell you this, I'm no pushover either.
I have my boundaries and I stick to them and I've grown acutely aware of when people are being genuine about needing help, or if they're just users.

There is a fine line between being kind and being a doormat.