Does anyone else experience this in their family? Help? Boys vs girls bias

[Comparelightly]

So I need to gauge opinions on this before I get upset.
I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced something similar in their family or social circle.
I have a relative who only has daughters, and I’ve started to notice what feels like a strong bias when it comes to boys vs girls. For context, I have one of each. In situations where there’s any kind of disagreement or conflict between the kids, the assumption is almost always that the boy is at fault even in cases where that doesn’t seem fair or accurate. No matter how the situation is, but the boys are at fault. So for example, if the girls start something the boys have overreacted if the boys start something then they’re just in trouble because they shouldn’t have started it.
If the girls egg on one of the boys to do something they back off and act like it had nothing to do with them, it’s almost like a set up.
It’s beginning to bother me because it feels less about what actually happened and more about a preconceived idea that boys are usually the problem. I think it’s important for kids to be treated fairly and individually, regardless of gender.
Has anyone else come across this kind of dynamic? How did you handle it, or did you just let it go? I’d really appreciate hearing other perspectives before I decide how to approach it.

Just keep responding fairly as you see fit and naming it if you think things have been handled unfairly by others. Advocate for your kids calmly and keep showing up in this way.

Sounds annoying.

Yes, I do this all time tbh. I stand up for all the boys, even the ones that are not mine. It’s so so disheartening. And tbh I’m starting to find it disturbing how much she minimises anything the girls do (even girls that are not hers!)

Honestly? Spend less time with them. You don't want your kids absorbing that.

I think a lot of society has very internalised views on sex and what it means to be a specific sex. Most people aren’t even aware of it - but it’s damaging to both sexes. A very basic example was at a colouring station at a national trust property some months ago. My son (not quite turned 2) was kneeling in a chair colouring quite ferociously and knocked a pot of pens over, which he then helped me to pick up, put lids on his owns with help etc so not being raucous. A young girl, around 4 or 5 was sat colouring neatly on the other end of the table.
The volunteer said to my son “wow you’re a handful aren’t you, see how the little girl is behaving so nicely and colouring in so carefully, you should try to be more gentle like she is”.

he was in no way being a handful, he simply had to co-ordination of a 2yr old. He wasn’t shouting or jumping or even making a mess (that he didn’t tidy up) but as a young boy it felt like it was assumed he was a handful and should aspire to the “grace and poise” of a 5yr old girl.

Well she’s very short sighted to minimise poor behaviour in her girls (or any girls) but I think it’s common to hold boys to a higher standard because they will be men and men will be stronger and have poorer impulse control during puberty and beyond.

I don’t know, I try to hold them all to the same standard right now as children under 11. I find it very concerning that she is fostering a vindictive, victim mentality in the girls.

Tbh the only bias I've come across is the other way round. With people having a lower behaviour bar for boys than girls. I have two sons and a daughter and felt that in general expectations on DD have been higher. There is still a very persistent 'boys will be boys' culture. I also think girls are unfairly stereotyped as 'mean' or 'sly' and the age old trope of 'leading boys into trouble'.
What you're experiencing from your relative is possibly simply bias towards her own DC rather than yours. And because one of yours happens to be a girl, gets lumped in on the right side. You could only really judge her as having sex based bias if she preferred her daughters over her own sons.

I try very hard to hold my children to the same standards in terms of behaviour, manners and what is expected of them. To be honest, I think she would be that way if she did have a boy. She stands up for the girls even when it’s not her girl involved. Loves talking about what the boys did wrong, all the time. She told me a story last week about something one of the boys did in retaliation to his sister. I asked what the sister did before the incident and she minimised it from the get go, she was aghast when I said, given what I’ve been told on the fact that I wasn’t there, that I couldn’t possibly she was completely innocent. And if it were my two they would both be in trouble, albeit not equally due to the nature of the actions (and I would’ve have the same approach if it were two girls!).

Yes we definitely have this in our family. I have a boy - he is admittedly a very high octane one and is often in the thick of it - but he now gets the brunt of everything. Anything broken or missing is assumed to be him from the outset, any trouble or arguments he is shouted for - last visit a completely unconnected child broke a door window, and it was still claimed mine (who was inside with me) "must have been part of it".

It is very frustrating, and they also use the "boys will be boys" line - although not to excuse him, but more to reinforce their stereotypes. I have another boy who is much quieter and actually less trouble than all the others or either sex, but he is kind of ignored the other way!

Anyway I get it, it is very annoying - but I don't think you can change this thinking in people, they see what they want/expect to see

@DryIce i find it all very sad tbh 😔

Yes agreed. It also seems to create a self fulfilling prophecy, and he is definitely starting to be aware - knows he's always in trouble at their house

I just keep telling mine how silly the family are to say things aren't for girls/boys etc

I think that’s short sighted myself, but is obviously a better than turning a blind eye to girls behaviour

You sound like part of the problem tbh.

In my family the boys were the golden ones and could do no wrong. It goes both ways.

In my experience boys get told off much less often than girls. But there are also people who will never acknowledge their own kids misbehaviour if they can lay the blame on someone else and sometimes it's that rather than the boy/girl thing.

The thing is, this is a double edged sword. If she believes her children can do no wrong (either because they're hers or because they are girls) her shock and disappointment when she inevitably encounters evidence of wrong doing on their part she can't ignore, will hit those girls hard.
People who frame girls as perfect do us no favours as it gives women a heavy burden to carry and sets a lower bar for men. It's so much easier to exceed low expectations than match unrealistic ones.

Are you sure your user name shouldn't be "Ohthatsabitbatshit'?

Poorer impulse control as teens? Have you worked with teens? I've taught in an inner city secondary for 31 years, & I can tell you hair-raising stories from both sexes, but the ones about the girls will alter your narrow opinion. It is ALL about how children are raised, not their sex.

I see OP's point, in general in society boys are seen as more 'troublesome'. I have 3 sons, all of whom were very different as children, & now as young men/ teens, but who are all very respectful & have no issues with 'impulse control', even the 2 with adhd (thanks exH for that gene😁), as we've all worked hard to make sure they are thoughtful, reflective individuals.

It pisses me off no end that because they have always been quite archetypal boys - rugby/ mountain biking/ Lego/ climbing everything in sight- they were often viewed as 'less than than' compared to their girl cousins: less cultured, less socialised. It was viewed with some surprise when two were then very academic. Even in this, it's almost not celebrated as much as the girls. Now, I get that may be a reaction against the patriarchy, & I celebrate all my amazing nieces (and nephews) in all they have achieved, but it really does feel like it's 'Well done girls!' & then boys are just somehow 'there'.

I'm sure others have the opposite experience, where the girls are minimised/ expected to be compliant/ behaved, but I've always felt society somewhat has it in for the boys. I can completely relate to the PP with the 2 year old and the drawing situation.

Completely agree with this.

I did experience it the other way round as a child, being not especially feminine and told off for being unladylike or clumsy.

But now having boys, I completely see this side. When my son I mentioned above was about 2, my MIL told me he wasn't academic and he would probably leave school at 16 for a trade. While I'd obviously have no issues with that (in fact in this climate I'd probably encourage it!). He is now, albeit only in yr 3, top of his class - but he still gets no feedback from family on this side of his personality (or his success in drama class, long hair or interest in cooking) - just "typical boy" comments about his muddiness, rugby and energy levels.

These heavy stereotypes are ridiculously out of date, but unfortunately many in our society subscribe to these.

Case in point: niece & her DH have a little boy, just turned 3. He's just started at Mini-kickers on the weekends. Dad took him & a local dad who knows him approached & said 'Ah, you'll be looking forward to real football now that the wee man is into it'.

He just stared at him & said 'I think you'll find I've been coaching real football for years with DD'. Their older daughter is 9, the star of that local team, & has been asked to train with a league team's academy. The local man knew this, but still chose to refer to it as not 'real' football.

Similarly, I've heard dads over the years really annoyed their sons aren't sporty. It really pisses me off.

They're little people moulded by parents.