No single answer or way out or any good for this 'life' anymore

[SevenNotLucky]

Dear all,
going to use lower case as no glasses and a very hard (for me)to use laptop

very long story short .. 6 months ago I was in a relationship with a guy (neiighbour) I had some house sale money left (tiny amount like a months rent etc) he wasnt and hasnt worked for x years, I paid for our life and I was also battling liver cancer and bad mh.

He was very paranoid (he was also addicted to cannabis) accusing me of secretly ta;ling to men etc.

Six months ago an argument broke out and he used a knife to seriously harm his arm (inside arm just above wrist) I called 999 and I also grabbed him from behind. Too much to remember but I belive I needed him to stop. Blood everywhere. Police came and he was taken to hospital. Overnight CPS decided to change the circumstances and the very next day I get arrested foe strangulation and ABH.

The following few weeks I have a breakdown and I breach bail by going to his property (he lives metres away -diagnolly opposite me 50 seconds away) over the course of a month I'm breaking and breaching bail and spend days and nights in a police cell.

Now hes the victim and I'm the potential criminal.

I tried to take my life and my MH was on the floor. money gone. Thousands in debt.

I was sectioned to go to a mental hospital. I was there for nearly 3 months. Hated it.

Debts/bills even worse since coming out.

Now I have my original bail conditions. Signing into police station three times a week (this is so time consuming esp if behind a queue of people)
I'm about to have a gps ankle tag and a srict curfew. the most devastating is zero contact with my partner directly or indirect. Ive been to court today to say how ill plead and its been adjourned/postponed until early next week

The actual court case /trial isnt until at least over YEARS time and today my counsel said it could be a minimum of next year and could even be two years.

I bumped into him when I left the hospital and he persisted. I gave in. adore and love him. Ive broken bail now twice and have been told if Im caught with him then it wont be a little slapped wrist but very likely if not definitely prison until my trial starts.

My flat is dark and gloomy and depressing. huge debts. Cant do anything or make plans. No employment chances with my MH. liver health. No friends. No money.

also I'm in a lose lose.. I dont ever want to cut him off but ive been heavily advised to by counsel and lawyers as the risks so high and so much to lose but I would be broken to lose him and not just that because he acts befoe he thinks hed think 'screw you' if i ended it all and he would potentially use the hundreds if not thosuand messages of proof of our correspondence (lovey dovey messages and proof of our plans to meet daily for last couple of months) so ill be 'banged to rights' and massively proven to have breached bailed hundreds and hundreds of times so could still go to prison anyway.

How can I live barely hand to mouth (drowning in debt but need my overdraft to live) living in a flat which is cluttered,cramped and depressing. No friends. No family (abusive mum and dad walked out when I was a child)

I cant live this life for two years. I cant.

Please any advice or kindness. I can't take critiscism. I already hate myself.

He’s a paranoid addict? FFS. Move on. He will never bring anything positive to your life.

Op you need to prioritise yourself as a condition of your bail and for your own health. At the moment the interactions from him are boosting his ego and you’re the one running all the risk.
At this stage block his messages and don’t respond. Keep /screenshot the messages. If he does go nuclear and tell that you’ve had correspondence it’s two way.
ask if as part of your bail you can move to another area or stay with a friend/family as this proximity is obviously doing you no favours.

Sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having. I think you need to seek some financial support. Have you spoken to anyone from Citizens Advice? There is support out there to help you manage your day to day expenses and debt.
I also think you need emotional support, it doesn't sound like your relationship is healthy, it's causing you a lot of trouble and you may need to face that it doesn't have a future. Have you tried some talking therapy? Here is a link to the NHS talking therapy advice: www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/talking-therapies/
Take it day by day. Look after yourself. Good luck.

Are you in council housing? Could you request to be relocated away from the area given the circumstances?

So, since being with this man, your life has taken a huge downward spiral and you’ve attempted suicide and been threatened with prison?
You’re going to end up dead or in prison if you pursue this man. It’s that simple.
Dead.
Or prison.

Or you can get a grip, get rid of this lowlife waste of skin and start rebuilding your life.

If you’re in council housing, request to be relocated.
If you’re privately renting, go to your council and ask for help with housing and perhaps a support officer.
Go to citizen’s advice and ask for help.
Throw your phone out the fucking window and buy a £10 burner from Asda and never contact him again.

Dead.
Or prison.
That is where he is taking you.

^^^
This is not a relationship. There are other people out there to fall in love with. There is a life ahead for you. Take all the advice above.

Overnight CPS decided to change the circumstances and the very next day I get arrested foe strangulation and ABH

Well I assume he has made a statement saying you strangled him. So what actually happened in there? Did you touch him before he cut his wrists?

It sounds as if he wants you in prison tbh. He knows what will happen if you break the bail conditions.

How can I live barely hand to mouth (drowning in debt but need my overdraft to live) living in a flat which is cluttered,cramped and depressing. No friends. No family (abusive mum and dad walked out when I was a child)

Also wanted to add that I’m very sorry to hear of your health conditions and situation. Are you receiving all the benefits you’re entitled to?

If it does go to trial, the courts will look at all the evidence and circumstances on both sides, you’re not definitely going to jail.

You have lots of time to prove you’re a good citizen- start obeying the rules now, take all the help you can get for your mental health, maybe you could start a college course or try for a part time job? Imagine the judge being told how well you’ve been doing in your defence.

You need to read up or watch videos about toxic relationships and why we get into them. You have incredibly low self worth due to your upbringing. This can be turned around bit by bit with knowledge about why you put up with what you put up with.

Make your flat a just a little bit better. Is it clean and tidy? Can you move furniture around for a different feel, stick some pretty pictures or happy photos up, open the windows to get fresh air and light in? When I was very hard up I decorated my walls with pics from second hand magazines and books from the charity shops near me.

Use the Samaritans helpline for when you need to hear a friendly voice. That’s exactly what they are there for.

Thank you everyone for your messages

Can I please answer any questions asap later

I really appreciate the replies thank you

What a shit show.

1. block him.
2. clear flat out declutter like a mad woman, keep only what you use and need.
3. get debt advice.
4. get help with moving home.
5. get some help for your mental health. Not in that order but you get where im coming from.

Men like him op will send you to one or two places, the graveyard or prison.
You cant let him go because he`s in your head thats called abuse, you need to tell yourself its over, you have a life to live, and your not going to do it with him.

You need to listen and really understand and accept that you are in this situation because of your mental health and you need to make decisions in your best interest, even if you impulsively or emotionally feel like you know better.

What I mean by that is that, with respect, nobody with good mental health would want him. He is an actively repulsive choice. Yet because of your mental health you actually not only tolerate but actually desire him. He is a side mission. A distraction from a real life and the hard work of healing. And you need to literally accept that as a fact even if you disagree ir your life will not improve, ever.

You are making bad choices and it's wasting your energy to recover but only you can make the decision and change.

I'm so so sad that you are wasting your life.

My 'lose lose' situation is that if block him (devastated hartbroken to do so) he will think I've met someone else (far fetched imagination) and he has HUNDREDS upon hundreds of messages of 'lovey dovey' messages and I love yous.. planning to meet messages
I'm prohibited from any contact and I've been told I'll go on remand (trial is pencilled one to 2 years away)

I know I'm an idiot

Restricted, cant get a prt time job cause of bail conditions, hate being alone

I'm utterly broken and desperate

Thank you for the above messages.. hard to read but much needed and extremely appreciated when I feel on the floor

There is no lose lose here. Block and move on. Rebuild your life for you.

I didint explain the lose lose - I mean he'll show the hundreds of correspondence between us if I cut him off and I'll end up on remand/prison for at least 1 if not 2 years which is when the trial will be

I'm so angry at myself but at the same time I havent actaully comitted a crime or anything horrific

So he's manipulating, essentially blackmailing you?

Those texts must go both ways, surely the courts will see he’s encouraging contact.

@SevenNotLucky why did you get blamed for the knife incident, surely he must have said it was you for this to happen?

Or do you have a previous record of violence?

@ModestlyPrudent he admitted to cutting himself

I grabbed him from behind for him to stop hurting himself and this is seen as 'strangulation with intent' and abh

Late last night the tag people came and placed tag on me

Trial isnt for minimum one year but likely 2 years

Well if you haven’t committed a crime it doesn’t matter what he shows police. You need to stay away from this man and get proper legal advice.

You need to stop contact with him.
Report him to the police when he contacts you.

Op have you been in touch with CAB for the debt etc.
Ask council if they can move you
Womans Aid might also be worth a shout. You are in an abusive relationship.

I'd consider some sort of volunteering just to get to know other people. Anything charity shop or look on FB for 'litter pickers' less formal than lots of organisations they'd be unlikely to do any background checks.

You can earn money from home on websites like Prolific where you get paid to do surveys.

stay away from your ex and don’t reply to him.

focus on your own life and talk to debt advisors about your finances.